Lost in the Closet wrote:

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Lost (now Found) Person,
he was willing to subject me to an entire life in the dark about what was wrong in my marriage while I blamed myself for imagined failures and worked hard to make myself more "worthy."  And that's aside from the way he was willing to actually treat me!

This right here. This is what I keep having to remind myself. 

So true ! I always felt "not enough", weather it's about keeping the house organized,the kids not learning his language,not religious enough ! Simply not enough !

OutofHisCloset wrote:

I went through a period after I left him during which I had to remind myself I was "enough" on my own.  Once I had a dream from which I emerged saying that: "I am enough."  

I have been divorced now for six years and just yesterday I was thinking that one of the joys of being on my own now is that I no longer feel under surveillance and judged to be unworthy or faulty.  It's immensely freeing to be free of that constant unspoken condemnation. 

I can't wait for this ! I truly feel not enough all the time ...I felt this way for 8 years ...my sister told me that the spark in my eyes is gone and it's true ! Apparently my sister told my friend years ago that she wishes I can get a divorce but she never told me so I don't feel bad.

While his brother knew that he was gay and hid all this from me !

Oohc

You rationalized their treatment of us well.   I recall, horrifying ly now,  how my GX would drive me crazy with guilt etc for weeks on end.  My entire marriage was spent in the doghouse...though it was normal..that all married guys must be the doghouse. Was blind to it at the time.

It should come as no surprise that someone who has constructed a false narrative should live according to that narrative. To spend sometimes entire lives, hiding in plain sight requires enormous amounts of delusional thought. They will believe that they have done the right thing by staying closeted from all of the social pathogens they imagine there to be. Whether this is due to parental expectations or a fear of being excluded, the ramifications are the same, hiding the truth. Someone who is capable of hiding the truth from themselves, is of course not going to face the reality of what they are doing or have done. Victim mentality is very powerful, particularly in modern times. It becomes both a shield and a sword, You cannot attack them with your truth, because their shield of imagined persecution protects them. Because they are ultimately the victim in the face of repression, they can cut you down with the sword of justification. Abusers will always believe they are the victim in any relationship they have, it is what makes them so very good at it. 
When it comes down to separation and divorce from these people, we have every right to tread very carefully. It is not without good reason that we fear dishonesty and selfishness. The fear that we will have to face an Anti-partner who exists now, where we thought our partners were is all too real.  Should we threaten to out those who choose to lock us in their closets? Should we accept their truths as our own? It is a moral dilemma indeed. The fact that it is a dilemma, suggests that it is because we have morals still, when they seemingly do not when it comes down to us. The closet is a prison, where the straight partner is bound in lies, and gagged by inclusivity. To the point where they are ultimately the one who is excluded.

Rob wrote:

Lost,

I'm many years divorced now and its so apparent how abused I was. My current girlfriend calls me out on it all time...asking me "why are you saying sorry?". Because I spent my entire marriage in the doghouse saying sorry for everything..real, imagined. It hit me like a ton of bricks when we were separating..how I was blamed for world hunger, climate change...anything to make me bad.


The truth is we/you are enough ..you are more than enough.

When will it feel better? When you're far away physically and time wise from the often subtle, malevolent abuse. I thank God everyday for getting me away. I live an authentic and abuse free life now.


Wishing you and everyone a holiday full of peace and solace.

All too real and relatable. My ex still tries to do this with the kids now, she knows I just ignore her. I spent 23 years (19 married) thinking I was an average at best husband, because everything was always my fault. Always.....