Thanks for the responses Lily and Ordinary guy. To answer Lily, I do have family I talk to about this stuff and they have been as supportive as they can be. They have had their own full lives of failed marriages and tbh has tinted my views on marriage in general. I grew up witnessing many divorces, so I can only lean on them so much for advice. Also my head is spinning I suppose because none of what she said or done has felt malicious, I don't feel like when she is saying any of these things that it comes from a bad place, but more so that she wants things to work but is still confused and adjusting herself perhaps. I can sense her strong desire for a family, and she states that she can only see that with me.

In response to Ordinary Guy, I wouldn't say we are "in a relationship" currently, as she and I have completely separated in terms of living space and financials. We are more in a place of deciding what to do next, which is where a lot of my confusion comes from, because it feels like it comes down to me deciding whether or not to keep trying for the relationship. At times I feel like I can still see that future together, but I keep requesting space from talking because I need to know how I truly feel and if we talk all the time it starts to cross my wires. Also she has stated that she does not feel like she is a lesbian, and still desires me sexually, which makes things even harder, as I feel like if she just said "I only like women" it would make things much easier. But I highly agree with your perspective, I am beginning to find my own feet to stand on in this and am starting to have more of a "what's best for me" mentality, which is something I honestly have put off for many years. Also thank you for the compliment, it is nice to not feel like the bad guy in all this, which sounds somewhat common for people who are experiencing the other side of their spouse finding themselves.

lily wrote:

 - "You don’t need to accept this amount of disrespect in your life."..... 

Yep Lily...that shone out for me too

E
 

blankcanvas wrote:

Thanks for the responses Lily and Ordinary guy. To answer Lily, I do have family I talk to about this stuff and they have been as supportive as they can be. They have had their own full lives of failed marriages and tbh has tinted my views on marriage in general. I grew up witnessing many divorces, so I can only lean on them so much for advice. Also my head is spinning I suppose because none of what she said or done has felt malicious, I don't feel like when she is saying any of these things that it comes from a bad place, but more so that she wants things to work but is still confused and adjusting herself perhaps. I can sense her strong desire for a family, and she states that she can only see that with me.

In response to Ordinary Guy, I wouldn't say we are "in a relationship" currently, as she and I have completely separated in terms of living space and financials. We are more in a place of deciding what to do next, which is where a lot of my confusion comes from, because it feels like it comes down to me deciding whether or not to keep trying for the relationship. At times I feel like I can still see that future together, but I keep requesting space from talking because I need to know how I truly feel and if we talk all the time it starts to cross my wires. Also she has stated that she does not feel like she is a lesbian, and still desires me sexually, which makes things even harder, as I feel like if she just said "I only like women" it would make things much easier. But I highly agree with your perspective, I am beginning to find my own feet to stand on in this and am starting to have more of a "what's best for me" mentality, which is something I honestly have put off for many years. Also thank you for the compliment, it is nice to not feel like the bad guy in all this, which sounds somewhat common for people who are experiencing the other side of their spouse finding themselves.

I have no issue with people who have and own their sexuality I have sympathy for those who feel shamed by it in any way at all. What I do not like is the fact that the onus is on the straight partner to somehow adapt to a circumstance that is beyond their control, or even to allow behaviours such as infidelity simply because ‘Gay’. The term ‘Rainbow washing’, in the context of social inclusivity, does not automatically apply to the application of morality as well. Your wife may well say she still desires you sexually, but her actions are lesbian. When she is in love with, and having sex with a woman, just how bisexual in practice is she being. If you still accept that being straight is largely the norm for most people either male or female, the heterosexual element of a bisexual identity is irrelevant. The degree to which they are same sex attracted is very much relevant in a straight relationship. If it is strong enough that they feel the compulsion and desire to act on it, then this is a major problem as any infidelity would be in a monogamous relationship. Bisexuality is a thing. So is heterosexuality. Bimoraltiy isn’t. If you cannot accept it in your partner then that is fine.