blankcanvas wrote:

I'm at a point where when someone asks me what do I want in all this I truly don't know because I feel like I'm still spinning, but at the same time enough time has passed where Im getting increasingly frustrated
 

Ahh....you will have to stop spinning first. The Mindfuck is a process and it's not often a straightspouse can make  definite decisions about something as deep and disabling as your whole world changing.....
 
You need space and time...by yourself but with connection with others...friends, family....to really think about what your wife has done to the r'ship you had with her.

Elle

A straight partner in a mom is always at a disadvantage, it is not a level playing field, they are vulnerable because they are for real while their partner is just playing at being straight.  And monogamy matters.

Blank Canvas has expressed that he has taken steps to emotionally protect himself which is good for him and I hope he doesn't dismantle that protection any time soon.

There was a poster here, Diff, gay man who came out of the closet and he said when he got romantic with a man it was like the light of the sun to a flashlight.  Yes.  Same when you get two straights getting romantic.  

Sexual attraction is magnetic - whole different ballgame when you're both magnetised.  

 In answer to your question BlankCanvas - yes difficult to get real answers.  The point came with my ex gay in denial husband that I still hadn't got any answers and hadn't twigged that he was denying being gay.  I said to him, after yet another fruitless attempt to have a real conversation with him where he would complain that I was pressuring him by wanting to talk, that he had 3 months to start talking and give me some answers and then when he did nothing I said to him I am giving you another 3 months incase you didn't understand I was serious and he laughed but of course I was serious and when the 3 months were up I didn't want to talk with him anymore, I had accepted I was alone in the relationship and started making my way like I did before marriage, as a single person.

From the perspective of a straight spouse, it looks to me like there's a huge reality gap between her saying to you let's buy a house and have a family and her saying she is romantically attracted to women.  Where's the bit where your romantic needs are met?


 

Last edited by lily (December 17, 2024 6:33 pm)

Hi All, thanks for such well thought out and kind responses. It's truly amazing to get to talk to people who are going through/have gone through something similar and being able to hear your perspectives and stories.

In response to a few things that were brought up, we did try to initially open up the relationship, but to be honest it quickly became something I did not feel like would work for us or me. Not because of ethical concerns, but because it just felt off and in a way felt one sided. I was open to getting to date other people, but not while we both lived in the same household, as it just felt too painful. 

Lily brought up a great point about the light feeling like a sun to a flashlight, as I have gotten to experience that with someone else and it was almost mind altering in how different I felt. Im still actually trying to deal with missing that person on top of all this (just all around more pain lol).

Finally to touch base on the responsibility all falling on me, I do agree that actions speak louder than words, and at this point I need to see action more than anything. Talking is just wearing me down and I feel like I'm going in circles. She has assured me over and over that she is not putting all the responsibility on me, and I've told her that she will need to make the decision on what she does with her other relationship regardless of what I choose to do. Where I struggle is just how much she tells me how she sees the future with me and seems extremely genuine, but at this point I do feel a real disconnect after all this and just can't tell what I fully feel yet in response to everything. I do agree with freedmyself that I feel a stronger drive to be with someone who I know is very much into me rather than always wondering if they are going to need their needs met elsewhere.

I guess I phrased the title poorly as I know nobody can tell me exactly what to do, but I appreciate being able to hear where others have come from or experienced with their journey, it means a lot.

Monkey branching into a new relationship, means that she will need a firm hold of the old one before deciding to let go and discard you. If the new one still has issues where she cannot fully commit to it, she will play both camps for as long as it suits her. A has been said, actions count much more than words. Do not stay in a relationship with a lesbian when you are contemplating children in the future. She has already shown you that  she will leave you for a woman if the chances are there. If this happens down the line when you are a father, the implications are going to be horrendous for you and your children. You have been given the opportunity to dodge a bullet that I was not given. That, or you take it for her. You could end up as the sperm donor and the free childcare that she needs to live her authentic life. You seem to be a great guy, with your heart in the right place. This heart should sit next to the heart of a straight woman who is committed to you and the relationship as well. You don’t need to accept this amount of disrespect in your life. She wants to be be gay, or bisexual or whatever she wants to feel she is to suit her own needs. That is her problem not yours. Also, if someone tells you to look somewhere else for a more ‘balanced’ view, it is because they are trying to suggest that this view is more balanced than any other. What I will say finally is, that if you accept her and her behaviour now, this normalises it. In the future, she may use this to assuage herself of any conscience challenges when it comes to the next woman she develops feelings for.