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1 of 1- lookingforanswers123
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Nothings wrong
Did any of your gay spouses act like the marriage was fine? I brought up counseling and he seemed shocked but has gone along with it. When interviewing counselors he said he didn't think it was as bad as I made things out to be. When we had our first real session he said we've never gone years without sex maybe months at most. I corrected that because I'm finally starting to trust my reality and feelings but he's acting like there's nothing wrong other than communication which is the thing I brought up to all the counselors. How am I the only one seeing any problems here? Is this common among gay spouses? Reading here it sounds like a lot place the blame on the straight spouse while mine kind of says there's nothing wrong.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Nothings wrong
lookingforanswers123 wrote:
.... Reading here it sounds like a lot place the blame on the straight spouse while mine kind of says there's nothing wrong.
If a 'heterosexual' man is keeping his inner thoughts of being with a man secret, and is unsure how badly opening up about it will upset his life (that he lives as a straight man) then he will do anything to keep it to himself, until he's ready, and the easiest person to admonish, gaslight and blame will be the partner/wife/girlfriend who senses something is not right but who has history and investment....love....with this man and is more likely to not pursue her questions and concerns.
Can I ask your age Look4...?
Elle
KIA KAHA
Thread Starter- Lostandconfused1234
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Re: Nothings wrong
We haven't went to counseling, but from my perspective it seems like my wife's desire to be lesbian has all but dried up. That isn't to say she doesn't have SSA still, but that she has pushed it back into the closet to maintain our marriage. Our sex life is as good as it has ever been, usually once a month or so, and she in some if not most cases initiates. She still consumes lesbian romance novels and movies and follows lesbian influencers, but to my knowledge is not pursuing available women. As I told her, the fantasy doesn't bother me, unless it crosses into the real world.
At our worst though, she was pursuing women, and I still remember the time she showed me the texts with a smile on her face. As she put it in the texts, she was "shooting her shot". I was not angry initially, maybe just stunned. It's like when it occurred she wasn't able to process the effect it would have on me. Eventually the anger came and I and told her how I really felt. I drew a hard line in the sand and told her I wasn't going to talk about it again unless she wanted to. A month or so later I caught her messaging another woman again, but this time I said nothing. She was crying, pleading, and puking(because she was drunk). I held her hair while she threw up and cried, but I didn't respond to anything. I drove home in silence and put her to bed.
After that it's like it was raining and all of the sudden it stopped. She made all these changes without us talking about it or even getting help. Unfortunately, this only makes me feel like I'm in the eye of the storm.
In your situation, it may be the same as in ours. Maybe he is still lost in the fantasy and can't see his marriage for what it is? I'm still trying to figure this out as most of us here are. You are not alone.
Last edited by Lostandconfused1234 (December 12, 2024 1:06 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Nothings wrong
I’m 38
When I was 38 I didn't know anything about straightspouses....or gaslighting....I had no concerns about my r'ship, my life. It was perfectly happy and normal. It wasn't until I was 47/48 that he mentioned one day...."look at what I found on the internet. A website where couples can meet others couples sexually" I was in love, I would have done anything for him. And at first, because I thought it was for us, it was exciting. We met some good people and some not so good people but yeah....high libido, fun times.
Then gradually it wasn't us all the time, he'd go off on his own. He even found a woman who was okay with anal sex, who he saw regularly.
Long story short...my self-esteem got so low and my concerns for my r'ship made me agonise over it that when he sent me an email that said he "might even one day fuck a man" ....well that was the eye-opening moment that I knew deep down my life had to change.
I'm now 66. We are legally separated. He knows why. Most of my family know why.
Life was a bit (sometimes a lot) harder after I found the courage, the strength to change my whole world. But I'd rather have a half-full life than propping up a man's hidden bisexuality in a full one.
E
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- lily
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Re: Nothings wrong
acting like there is nothing wrong with the marriage is gaslighting.
as long as I didn't question him everything was fine as far as he was concerned.
- freedmyself
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Re: Nothings wrong
We started couples counseling because we'd had some parenting issues come up with our teenage son. In working on our parenting, it soon became clear to our therapist - and I already knew - that we had couples issues as well. He did, in fact, act like the marriage was fine, said we never fought, that everything was great. Well. The reason we never fought was that any time I brought up an issue that was important to me, he'd roll his eyes and sigh, then turn things around and launch a counterattack. Lesson for me was that if I brought something to him, he'd flip it around and criticize me, so I learned to keep things to myself.
In therapy, he presented a false ideal self. He'd tell the therapist that he was always open to hearing how I felt, and absolutely he could focus on what I needed in our relationship, etc - all of which was complete garbage. Whether he was just trying to say what he thought the therapist wanted to know, or he was intentionally manipulating the situation, I'll never know. It took me a long time to really see the discrepancy and call him out on misrepresenting himself in sessions.
Outside of therapy, in which he was this perfect mate, he blamed me for everything.
Apologies if I'm overstepping, but IMO it's useful to think about whether your husband has any tendencies toward narcissism, as people with narcissistic traits lack the self reflection that makes therapy work. If I had my situation to do over, I would have started with an individual therapist - I think it would have helped me cut through his BS faster.
Trust your gut. My inner voice has gotten a lot louder since I'm no longer living with someone who's gaslighting me.
- Rob
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Re: Nothings wrong
Looking, Freed,
I have no experience with couples therapy as my GX made it clear through her actions that she didn't want the marriage.
That said I went to therapy..the kids were in therapy..the dog was in therapy (kidding). Only she was not in therapy because she considered herself a God and nothing was wrong with her.
At some point you have look at their actions...actions speak so much louder than any words. Add in any lying to their words and their words become worthless. It was shock to me to look back and see all the lies and half truths full of conspiring and malice toward me.
That the "love you" words were a lie killed me...what kind of person says that to their spouse and then hurts them? My advice is pay real attention between everything they say and what they do.. when the cashier at the supermarket seems more truthful you know it's not you.
It doesn't sound like couples counseling is working for you
..you can call him out on it but at some point you may have to stop and know that you tried all you could.
Wishing you strength and self love in this holiday season.
Last edited by Rob (December 13, 2024 8:59 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Anon 765
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My ex would absolutely have said we were happily married. I don't know if things have changed now that we have been separated, living apart and are now divorced. I haven't seen him in a while.
I think he believed it to a great extent, because neither one of us had grown up with a model of a healthy relationship - back in the day it was "healthy" if you stayed married! And I think that, as long as I left him to himself and didn't ask for anything beyond a somewhat superficial relationship, he was quite happy. I, however, was lonely and sad.
We never argued, because when we did, it was always thrown back at me with defensiveness. To be fair, I was also defensive for many years, because that's how I knew how to communicate. But I did grow out of that, with lots of great therapy.
It's not a healthy relationship unless both partners are able to agree that it's healthy.
Best of luck in sorting all of this out,
Anon 765
- Blackie563
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Re: Nothings wrong
My ex would absolutely have said we were happily married. I don't know if things have changed now that we have been separated, living apart and are now divorced. I haven't seen him in a while.
Same here. My ex wife is all over the place (or was when I was in somewhat regular contact, I am not anymore). She went from the marriage was perfect and you were perfect, to "you loved me, but were always demeaning to me" to "I will always love you and always have, I just didnt know". Pick a flavor, she has no clue because she doesnt know who she is, what she wants, and so as a result, everything in life is "unfair" and not her fault.
Just be glad you are out! Live presently and focus on you! Wishing you the best!