Hi Everyone 

I've been following Our Path/SSN for a few years now. The articles, podcasts and book recommendations have been helpful. I posted this in Our Stories over 2 years ago and have updated it periodically as the story has changed. I'm bringing it into this forum to get your thoughts on the recent developments in the last 2 paragraphs. Thank you!!!
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My story sounds similar to many here, I've been married 24 years and we have an 18 and 21 year old. Broadly speaking after our second child was born sexual intimacy was greatly reduced, there wasn't much explanation offered when I questioned "Why am I always initiating intimacy". 

By mid-2014 my wife was spending a lot more time with a neighbor friend of ours and ultimately they started an affair. One of the things that's odd about my story is that the 3 of us were great friends even while my relationship with my wife became less and less intimate. My wife and I  still had a great time together in all other respects. 

On one of my attempts to have a deeper discussion about happiness and what the heck was going on with our sex life, and after another evasive set of answers, I decided I was up for anything. The neighbor's wife and I, the friend that my wife was having an affair with, started a year long flirt fest, and eventually we started an affair that lasted 2 years. 

Yes, my wife was sleeping with the neighbor's wife from 2014-2018 and I was also sleeping with her from 2016-2018 and neither of us knew it. However, her husband eventually figured it out and at the end of an ugly weekend of us both thinking the other was going to hear from the husband, we sat down and told each other the truth. We were both shocked. 

So as it turns out my wife was more into the idea of being a lesbian than the neighbor, and was ultimately hoping to steal the neighbor's wife away and live happily ever after. However, immediately after the the big blow-up and the neighbor's wife stopped seeing us, we went through a process of rebound sex for a few weeks (initiated by her every time), then a few months of crying because she missed her girlfriend, then eventually a realization that neither of us wanted a divorce because most of our life together, except for the sex (which had fallen way off again) was quite good.

By the way, the neighbor's didn't get a divorce either.

4 years later, we've made some compromises on intimacy, it isn't what either of us want fully. I don't think either of us have been with anyone else. We both talk openly about various attractions or things that we would like. Recently, during an alcohol soaked Friday night she brought up something I had suggested early on after the big reveal, that is, that we both find a "friend" (different friends this time) that fills out the piece that is missing for both of us. A month later and no one has made the first move do anything about it. 

So that's it, for now. I'll update my slow motion train wreck with more developments as they occur.  Thanks for reading, it was good to get a short version of the story written down.

***2 years later and here's the update***

We still love each other, still have a great time being married, and we still talk about opening things up. She seems (in my opinion) to go through cycles of longing for a female companion (voraciously reading lesbian love novels and watching movies on the subject). We've introduced watching lesbian porn (thank you Erika Lust) into our weekly version of phyiscal intimacy, which seems to work though in a detached way....her attenton is clearly on the video.

I've dabbled in looking over profiles in Ashley Madison seeking someone in a similar situation though never going any further than an occasional chat. My wife is well aware but hasn't dabbled in this activity herself, at least not yet. It's been discussed but we both would like to keep our relationship the primary one and fear a third party for either of us would complicate things. That said, she wants to experience a women again and I want an occasional "normal" phyiscal encounter...so the discussions continue. 

Likely none of this update is surprising so far. Here's the new winkle, she wants to come out to her girlfriends. Friends from college that she will be going on a trip to Napa with, all straight (I think). One of them knows the story of the neighbor and that's she's a lesbian not truly bi. So, we'll see how this goes. I expect she'll get a lot of support but also a lot of questions and maybe some pressure to more fully lead a life out of the closet. 

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End of year update 12/6/24

Since the Napa trip in April, my wife has only come out to 3 close friends, there hasn't been any movement in getting further out of the closet. However, as I mentioned above, things seem to go in cycles of intense lesbian identification and angst, and then back to happy hetero homelife and marriage. This summer it was all about happy hetero homelife, vacations, a new home and time with friends.

This fall I could sense a stir. She started listening to a "late in life lesbian" podcast on Spotify on solo drives to our weekend place, on weeks when I came down a bit earlier in the week than she. It started automatically playing in the car one day when I was in her passenger seat as she drove. Then, this month as I helped her find a workout video on YouTube, "Lesbian Sex" was listed in recent searches. None of her desire for women is a secret so we laugh this kind of stuff off. 

What's new and different is that this week she paid $5 to join a zoom call sponsered by the "late in life lesbian" podcast. From her description it sounded like some type of group therapy where married women meet to discuss how they have come to the realization that they are lesbians. After making sure her Zoom account had a fictious last name (god forbid someone recognized her or looked her up) her orignal plan was to spend a couple minutes on the call, see what's what's, then drop off.....but of course she stuck with it for 2 hours. This group also does group trips for late in life lesbians and other types of gatherings. 

So the plot thickens. Next time I check in to discuss my slo-mo train wreck, we'll see how this has all progressed. Does she engage more online, does she go on one of the outings (no pun intended), and of course, does another woman eventually come into the picture. 

Last edited by Pete (December 9, 2024 10:38 pm)