Em,
 So sorry you need to be here, but it's good to have support.  The Straight Spouse Network (Now "OurPath") was a godsend to me when I found it after my now-ex declared his trans identity (back in 2015).  

I can't say for certain that I know what is behind your husband's actions with his "girl friend," but my experience with my ex and my communication with other women in a similar situation leads me to the following observations. 

Your husband may very likely be an autogynephile, meaning a man who is sexually aroused by the idea of himself as a woman.  This explains their cross-dressing, and their first and favorite mode of dressing: women's lingerie (in your husband's case, panties and bra).   Autogynephila is difficult to understand, because rather than being attracted to another person (as straight and gay people are), they are sexually attracted to and in love with themselves as the woman they wished they were (or believe themselves to be), a fantasy they try to bring into being or express through cross-dressing and stereotypical feminine behavior.  (I have made several posts with links to resources and information; you can find them if you search under my user name.)

Autogynephilic males relate to women through the lens of this convoluted and misdirected sexual attracton.  That your husband doesn't want to have conventional sex with you is a function of his rejection of his maleness and masculinity.  If he is like my ex, he doesn't want to "perform" as a male, and his employment of a sex toy allows him to think of himself as a woman wielding it, the way a lesbian would, rather than having to occupy the role of male.  

My ex was "attracted" to my femaleness, because he wanted it for himself.  But I also found that he both envied and resented me, precisely because of that femaleness.  (One time when I complained about my stylist's less-than-good haircut, my ex, who was balding, said to me, with resentful wounded envy, "I wish I had your hair.") 

My ex also had a female "friend" who enabled and supported him in his delusion he could become a woman, and, like your spouse, for quite a while he hid the particulars of this relationship from me or misrepresented it.   My ex also had numerous "crushes" on women we worked with (we were both professors at the same university), women I eventually concluded he was drawn to because he both wanted to be them and to have sex with them (and, in having sex with them, would have imagined himself to be them, so he would be having sex with them as himself--see what I mean about autogynephilia being difficult to comprehend for those of us with a straighforward sexuality?.)  

It's not out of the question that your husband is drawn to this female friend because she encourages him in his expression of himself as a woman.  In my experience, this encouragement works to validate his belief and will lead to an escalation of his behavior.  Why, you might ask yourself, is she is fine colluding with your husband in keeping you in the dark, which is not admirable, normal, or mentally healthy behavior on her part. 

 This forum is a safe space for you to say what you need to say about what you are thinking and feeling, and a good first step for you.  I agree with others, though, that there is no real substitute for face-to-face conversation and support in your day-to-day life.  As you are still hesitant about revealing what you know about your husband, a counselor would be a good place to start.  For one thing, it's safe: you don't have to worry about your therapist revealing what you say in the privacy of the consulting room.  I would caution, however, that you need a therapist who is committed to helping you explore your feelings and supports you in what you conclude.  If you are feeling pressured, or judged for your discomfort with your husband's actions, look for another therapist.

If you want to DM me, please feel free to do so.  And again, I'm so sorry you need to be here.  This is one tough road. 

PS: When my ex was in his late teens and 20s, I found out, he thought his urge to cross dress and his feelings (included that he wanted to be penetrated) might indicate he was gay.  For decades before transgenderism was a more visible thing he tried on various explanaitions for the way he felt, and even went so far as to take a solo vacation in Provincetown, MA, which he presented to me at the time as a "whale watching trip," but which I later concluded was part of his trying to figure out his sexuality.  So your husband's earlier interest in gay porn doesn't necessarily mean he is/was gay. 
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 6, 2024 11:59 am)

Em,

To answer your title no you have not been a fool ..you give total fierce love
.  That he hides some shameful side of himself is by definition not giving the same.

If you forget for a minute the cross dressing it does sound like he is having an emotional affair with his woman friend. 

My gay ex (GX) was actively cheating on me but even without the sex her emotional affair quickly replaced me. ( Think she rather sit alone in a room texting her girlfriend than do anything with me).

I guess what I'm trying say is I have no experience about cross dressing but definitely pay attention to the emotional time he gives you versus his "friends" etc. 

The hurt is real and can eat you up with stress and anxiety. If he doesn't care about this them that tells you all you need to know.   We should be enough for our spouses..we should be more than enough.

Wishing strength, fortitude and self love.

Last edited by Rob (December 6, 2024 2:20 pm)

Hi Em, so true that later-in-life discoveries of this sort, when you have children, conjoint finances and life-long family and friends are heart rending.  I think taking it one step at a time as you sift through the issues before you are all you can do. Please take good care of yourself and try to give yourself grace as you sort it all out. My four amazing resources have been this site, several stalwart friends, a wise therapist and a journal. Also I get myself to the gym when I’m about to pull my hair out (which is often). I’ve been separated from my crossing dressing husband a little less than a year, am over 60 with adult children who are so sad about it all,  so I understand how confusing and difficult both staying and leaving are. But are you too old to make the changes you need and want in your life- no way!

Em - 

I identify with where you are at, feeling isolated and alone.

When I first found out, I told no one.  We worked on our "marriage" and as far as I knew were going to move forward.  I didn't want anyone to know because I wanted it to be as easy as possible for him and for us to have a great marriage.  That was over four years ago.  I've spent many days driving around crying so kids wouldn't see or laying in the shower puking.  I attempted several therapists and only found one (unfortunately in a different state so I couldn't continue working with them) who didn't attempt to victim blame or spout codependency crap or take the "BRAVE" man's side.

There is also the embarrassment and shame - HOW could I not know for DECADES I was married to a gay man???  I really did not have the red flags I read others had, our sex life was frequent and -I thought- satisfying and fun.  It's humiliating (yes, I know it's not me.  Yes, I know I shouldn't feel the shame) none the less.

I understand the horror of facing the financial uncertainty.  I also stayed at home with our kids and do not have any work experience or education, though I paid our bills and knew the general sense of things.  It will be a huge adjustment for me and the kids.

He moved out 2 years ago.  I have only told my parents and siblings and a couple friends.  For the rest of the world I maintain a ridiculous facade - just the other day I was on a walk and a neighbor was asking how my "better half" was doing (I said "he's really busy!"), none of our friends and church members and extended family know anything is amiss.  My soon to be ex attempted to gag order me by adding non disclosure and non disparaging clauses in the divorce settlement, I will still be under the threat of losing spousal support if I say much unfortunately.  Soon, after I receive the final order of divorce, I can at least say I am divorced.  

I am still contemplating how to answer the inevitable question of why or what in the world happened.  I know it's not anyone's business and I know I can say we grew apart but reality is he was such a "great amazing guy" and we had such a "perfect amazing" marriage no one will believe it.  My own parents refused to accept it until I finally broke down and told them I couldn't handle the continued fucking men in public bathrooms and repeated STD testings for me... ha.

Please feel free to reach out, this forum is a lifeline.  Just read others' stories and you will feel not so alone.  The feelings you expressed are familiar and I would say very "normal" to the complete reality shattering mindfuck he has knowingly subjected you to.  A comforting thing I came to realize when faced with the "WTF, WHO is he?? What's my reality? Am I just stupid?"  Is that even though he chose to live a lie, I was true to who I am.  I chose to live and love with all of me and I chose to show up everyday as a wife, a mom, a friend, a daughter, a neighbor, member of society.  I lived with integrity.  And will continue to do so.  

I send a hug your way.  I know words can be empty but I hope you can feel the encouragement others share.

-
"Marie"  
 

Em - I'm glad for your weekend being quasi-normal and enjoyable.  I remember before my husband moved out having double experiences in our everyday lives.  He would walk into a room and I would smile and my heart and body and mind would react the same as always - but then i would be living the same time with the pain of what he was actually doing and not quite believe it.  Again - mindfuck is the only apt term.  As others have offered, feel free to DM me.  If we happen to be relatively close geographically I'm happy to meet for coffee. I'm glad you have the counseling through work and hope that will provide some strength and guidance, keep us posted -

"Marie"