Hi,
My husband and I are in our late 50s and been married for 34 years, we have two children, and I love him dearly but every so often in our marriage I have felt something is not right. I usually assumed I was the one at fault. When we first got together sex was great, frequent and at the time my husband used to joke that I was a nymphomaniac. But soon after we started living together it started to dwindle until we were rarely having sex at all and only when I initiated it. At the time we were young and having money troubles so I put it down to the fact we were both stressed but really the only time we since that we have had regular sex is when we were trying for children and once I was pregnant sex would stop again. Whenever I tried to talk about it he would either get angry and we would have a fight or he would clam up and say nothing. The thing is  knew he was regulary masturbating and I just didn't seem to be part of his sex life.

Ever since I have known my husband he has had a mixture of mail and female firends for many years he had one male friend he spent alot of his time with and when he came to the house I used to joke that his boyfriend was here to seem him. That friendship ended when his friend moved to a different country. Since then my husband has developed a srong friendship with a married woman as they both share similar sports interests.

There were also times when I would catch him watching TV programs or films with gay content late at night and I commented that he seemed more interested in watch two guys kissing than coming to bed with me, but he just denied it switched off the TV and came to bed but no sex. I don't want to make it sound like we never had sex, we did from time to time when I initiated it but there was little foreplay and the act itself was over in minutes, I knew he was just faking orgasm.

Eventually you just get use to a life were disappointing sex features ever two to three months and that my husband would rather see to himself than have sex with me. However, in other aspects of our life could be good. My husband could be very loving and affectionate, we were best friends, had two happy and beautiful boys and as jobs and money improved ouver the years we had a very comfortable life.

Until five years ago when I discovered a load of women's underwear that had been left in the dryer. I didn't know what to think and confronted my husband about it. He then confessed to me that he likes to dress in women's clothes and has been doing this for years behind my back. I felt so betrayed and lied to, I asked him if he even found me attractive which he said he did and that it isn't unusual for straight men to crossdress. At the time the very thought of him dress in womens clothes, in make up, painted nails etc just turned my stomach. I told him I needed to seek councelling and we agreed that we should both talk to separate councelors.

All through this I still love my husband and he says he loves me. We have stayed together and crossdressing became a don't ask don't tell affair and I turn a blind eye to the fact, he only wears women's underwear and owns more bras than I do. We did agree to try and make changes to our life spend more quality time together and re-invigorate our sex life. I found a vibrator that he had bought for me but it didn't really do that much for me and he seemed disappoint when I told him but explained that he was looking for the right time to present it to me. However as time went on we fell back into our same rut of irregular sex that he doesn't seem very engaged in. Covid did mean that we spent some time together and we did talk about how he felt and I tried to understand why he felt compelled to dress in women's clothes. He couldn't really give an explaination other than it felt right and that really he didn't really feel like a man nor does he feel like a woman he just feels like himself.

The most recent development is that I received an odd text from my husband containing a wordle and lots of kisses, when I asked him about it he seemed horrified and said it was meant for his friend, the woman who shares his sporting interests. Instantly I assumes they were having an affair and that this was the end of our marriage, he denied that he was having and the texts were just a bit of fun between friends and that his friend was the only one he could spend time with dress as a woman and they had developed a bond as girlfriends. We agreed to go to marriage councelling work through this, I do love my husband and want to be with him but I want him to be with me. Having come out oof councelling I believe he is not having an affair and that their relationship is part of his crossdressing which I have ignored for five years but I have started to wonder if there is something deeper than just crossdressing, I started to reseach on line and many of the stories I have read about women who have married gay or men who turn out to be transgender women seem so similar to mine. I really don't know what to think now, have I been a best friend rather than a wife for all these years? Am I a fool living like this despite my love for my husband and our children? What should I do? Am I prepared to end our marriage? Can I even go it alone at my age? I feel so lost at the moment.