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1 of 1- EagleD
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Feel sad and overwhelmed 28yrs of marriage ending
i am a 49 yr old husband of 2 daughters 23 and 27 and my wife recently has come out as Gay and we are ending our 28 yr marriage. We have remained cival throughout the past 3 months and I have remained in the home with her until we put the house on the market. She has just finished letting all her family know what is going on so at this point we are just waiting. Im sad, hurt, angry, feel let down. We had everything and now the fear of losing it all is overwhelming. I trying to be respectful to her and understanding but i feel almost like she is being selfish with what she is asking for in the divorse. We have decided to file ourselves instead of having lawyers involved but seems like it might be best to get them involved. We live in NJ not sure if anyone else has been through this before.
- Anon 765
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Re: Feel sad and overwhelmed 28yrs of marriage ending
Hi EagleD,
You are in the right place, and I am sorry you find yourself here. If you read through the forum, you'll find all sorts of versions of what is going on in your life. It's good that she came out to her family - sometimes the straight spouse is kept in the closet with the person who is secret about their sexuality.
If you are at all concerned for your future financial well-being or the fairness of the split, I suggest checking with a lawyer. There are options for mediation - just because a lawyer is involved, it doesn't mean it will be confrontational.
Sad, hurt, angry, let down... yup. All very normal feelings.
I hope you have someone you can talk to, and feel free to post here for more support.
You will be okay, but it's a rough journey for a while.
Anon 765
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feel sad and overwhelmed 28yrs of marriage ending
There were times throughout my separation when I thought "....maybe we could have done this ourselves and avoided legal/lawyer prices..."
And as my former partner A. was not a vindictive man just maybe we could have. But. Not using a neutral professional means the process may be lead much of the time by emotion and things are simply more clear-cut when you go through the legal process. In New Zealand we have Kiwisaver that is tied to individual earnings and to 'make up' the separation to be equal A. had to give me a large amount of his personal Kiwisavings and that has to go through a court.
At the very least you should have an initial (most times free) conversation with 2 or 3 (or 4) lawyers just to get your head around the process.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Feel sad and overwhelmed 28yrs of marriage ending
You should definitely consult a lawyer. You. For you. Especially if you are having the feeling that your stbx is being selfish in what she is asking.
Ellexoh is right that without a lawyer emotions can prevail over reason. On both sides. At the very least, the lawyer can tell you what you are entitled to under the law and whether the proposed settlement is in fact fair to you.
Many of us, me included, discovered that our spouses, who had declared they would be reasonable and fair in the process, became other than that as the divorce progressed. In my case, my ex was quite reasonable as long as I acquiesced to the split of assets he was proposing. In our long marriage (36 years at the date of divorce), I had acquired the habit of deferring to my now-ex as a default position, something I didn't even realize had happened and that caused me a lot of tension when I had to negotiate a settlement with my now-ex.
- lily
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Re: Feel sad and overwhelmed 28yrs of marriage ending
yes really - you need a lawyer asap.
can I say that again?
big red flags going off - you are sorry for her, is she sorry for you?
she is the one who knew all along what she was doing.
yes this happens to other people, quite a lot it seems to me. It's so painful to go through but we can promise you it will get better down the track. Look after yourself, there could be some real happiness to come in your future.
- MarieSmith
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Re: Feel sad and overwhelmed 28yrs of marriage ending
EagleD -
Sad, angry, hurt, and let down all normal in this horrific situation.
I'm at the end of 27 year marriage (will be close to 28), divorce to be settled hopefully soon. I had the most amazing, full life that we built together. We too had everything - only to be flushed by a dishonest ------- for quick !*&#s in public restrooms, bike trails, parking lots, my car, and my bed. Such a mind fuck. I lacked the red flags so commonly seen in retrospect. My husband was one of the most amazing men (so I thought) I have ever known, full of integrity, a great dad (again so I thought), our sex life was fun, frequent and fulfilling (HA!). I loved him with all of me. In the divorce he assured me he would "OF COURSE" take care of me and the kids and of course we weren't going to fight over typical things and nit pick about money. That is one of the many many lies he told me. The "man" I knew would have put me and the kids first. Instead he is completely selfish all the while basking in his support group and therapist and lawyer's praise of how "generous" he is being. It's heartbreaking and hell.
Personal advice: read through the forum, I "lurk" more than post but others' shared experiences and advice have been a lifeline just to know I am not alone. Post if you need to rant (although I've been disappointed that no one has responded to individual messages - maybe this just isn't the culture on this forum?), it helps. If you happen to be down the coast to DC/NOVA area I'm happy to meet for coffee. There used to be a straight spouse group in my area that met in person in 2020/2021 and that helped tremendously!! Unfortunately they are no longer meeting but a very generous "veteran" member meets me for coffee and I cannot express to you how much it helps me get through the hell part. Advice they shared: "I decided that I would not let this ruin the rest of my life." And "it's ok and appropriate to be angry." Thankfully that's waned a bit (there might always be some but I don't want to be a bitter resentful old hag 
) and I'm feeling more of my old self. I've always loved and wanted to be loved and am glad to have that in me still.
Please seek advice from an attorney individually ASAP. Know what you can get if worst case you go to court. If your wife is willing, you can hammer out details together and have the attorney draw up the agreement. I'm in VA in an at fault state, it's worth slogging through legalese and knowing what NJ laws are. Remember by definition she is deceitful. Keep us posted -
"Marie"
- Blackie563
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Re: Feel sad and overwhelmed 28yrs of marriage ending
Eagle D - lots of a great advice. Would absolutely get a lawyer. Not all situations are the same, but mine is very similar to Marie's. My ex wife said she was "so sorry" and that none of this was my fault and she would not be greedy/selfish. My first clue was her unwillingness to even turn in the paperwork to the lawyers. So I did. Then she dragged her feet on negotiations. So I pushed it. Then we reached 4 agreements, each time with me signing/notarizing and submitting, each time with backing out and asking for more. So I had to file for Divorce or I truly believe I would still be married to her....
Point being, some times, these people will tell you all you want to hear to protect themselves, make it easier for them, forgetting you are the one bearing the surprise, hurt and baggage. Protect yourself, if they are truly genuine, the costs will be minimal and it will go quickly. If not, you'll be well prepared and not have it drag on longer than necessary. in the end, my ex wife got slightly more than what I was willing to pay her any way, but we both lost over 40K that could have been spent on the kids to legal fees. She gets paid an absurd amount of money from me monthly and is clearly, still miserable.
wishing you the best. The only way to the other side is through it. Be well
- Rob
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Re: Feel sad and overwhelmed 28yrs of marriage ending
EagleD
If you can do it without a lawyer I commend you. One would think divorcing a normal person you can just divide what you want and be done. But our spouses are not normal. Lying for so many years I fail to see how they could be honest and generous in a divorce. The chances of her, especially in your area, saying no alimony and I don't want your 401k/pension are very slim.
Maybe I'm biased by a cruel narcisst but when a pipe is leaking you call a plumber..when your spouse wants a divorce, you call a lawyer.
Wishing you strength and courage and self love.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7