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1 - KeanuV
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Confused/angry/Place to vent
My partner and I have been married for 9 years, together for 10. S/he has always been gender fluid/non-binary, but was assigned female at birth and mostly presented female/nonbinary until very recently, when they came out to me as a trans man. The circumstances are pretty interesting. They had very recently gone through a traumatic event (mauled by a dog), suddenly went cold turkey on their ADHD meds, we have just moved to a new city and they haven't found a job or made any friends yet, and they came out to me the morning after the US presidential election. Not to share that info to invalidate their transness, but more to build sympathy of this person going through a difficult time mentally.
I'll be honest, I don't really care. I suddenly have a husband now, cool. They've expressed to me they don't want bottom surgery nor do they have any money to start hormones or get top surgery, which they eventually do want, but I feel like those questions are far off in the future and not the most important.
My biggest concern has been their mental health which has been absolutely spiraling since they came out to me. This is a person that was bubbly, happy, cheery, and since he's come out he's been absolutely fucking miserable. Terrified to be in public because of perceived transphobia, having delusions in the middle of the night that I was going to kill them on an upcoming trip (FWIW we have a very happy and healthy marriage), suicidal delusions, waves of paralyzing emotions that lead to dissociative episodes, being overwhelmed by the simplest tasks, anxiety/panic attacks, paranoia. I had to call off work and have his mom fly out and stay with us last week because of the suicidal stuff.
When they came out to me they were sobbing that they "Had to choose between TTT or me" Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I've always understood being trans as not a choice. People are either trans or they're not. I've been friends with a plethora of gay/trans people and none of them are emotional wrecks, quite the opposite. Coming out seems to give people a sense of freedom and liberation. My partner can no longer go out in public without having a panic attack.
We have a couples therapist, a psychologist for him, and a psychiatrist appointment in a few months. I tried to explain that it's great they came out as trans, but it's all this other mental health stuff that I'm worried about. He said (deflects IMO) it is "all normal stuff for trans people", which I vehemently disagree with, but he cannot separate the two. It's hard watching your partner spiral mentally and I just feel so fucking frustrated. I want to support them coming out but I feel there's all this very intense/unhealthy mental activity that's separate from being Trans.
I guess I just can't get over the belief that cutting your breasts off and taking hormones is the best and only cure for mental distress...
Last edited by KeanuV (November 24, 2024 8:06 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Confused/angry/Place to vent
You sound like you're totally accepting of trans. Like...you use the pronouns, speak the language. And that irritates me. We're all hurting here, far from accepting what has happened to our r'ships.
You might be better on a website that is supportive of trans/queer people
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Anon 765
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Re: Confused/angry/Place to vent
Hi Keanu,
I am not a mental health professional, so please take what I say with a grain of salt. It is based on my personal experience.
Shortly after my ex came out more "officially", he had a serious mental health crisis. There were other stressors beyond coming out as well. It sounds similar to what you are seeing. It took months to get adequate help, despite a lot of people trying. It was an extremely difficult time, something I hope to never have to relive with anyone.
If you have not yet contacted your family doctor with a list of symptoms, that might be a place to turn while waiting for the psychiatrist appointment. In my area, we were able to call 911 for a mental health check (and did so a few times). Also, if someone is suicidal (even with a vague plan), they can go to the ER to be assessed and, hopefully, admitted.
You're right to be concerned. I can't speak to what this has to do with being trans - as Elle said, that may be better addressed on another forum - but I do sympathize with what you are experiencing.
Good luck, and take care of yourself in this,
Anon 765
- KeanuV
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Re: Confused/angry/Place to vent
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
You sound like you're totally accepting of trans. Like...you use the pronouns, speak the language. And that irritates me. We're all hurting here, far from accepting what has happened to our r'ships.
You might be better on a website that is supportive of trans/queer people
Elle
Oh shut up. If language bothers you so much then I suggest psychotherapy, not policing an internet forum. Don't project your bigoted beliefs onto other people. If you're not here to support, as the forums intention, then leave.
Last edited by KeanuV (November 25, 2024 11:10 am)
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Confused/angry/Place to vent
Oh shut up. If language bothers you so much then I suggest psychotherapy, not policing an internet forum. Don't project your bigoted beliefs onto other people. If you're not here to support, as the forums intention, then leave.
I'm here to support straightspouses. Not trans allies.
E
KIA KAHA
- Alex1984
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Re: Confused/angry/Place to vent
Yeah... Keanu, sorry about that, welcome to the forum and sorry to find you here.
This podcast and also this woman's TED talk could be helpful in your situation:
Based on her experience, this woman does question whether her husband’s transition was good for him (now her), but it's a very nuanced, non-bigoted view.
I think you also need to consider your own therapy, you need support through this, too!
Elle, seriously, you're outperforming yourself 🙄 many (if not most) straight spouses are LGBTQ allies. Having been hurt doesn't mean you need to hurt others ❤️
Last edited by Alex1984 (November 25, 2024 2:19 pm)
- Anon2222
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Re: Confused/angry/Place to vent
Ok. Let's take gender identity and sexuality out of this to start.
This person, however they identify, is going through a serious mental health crisis. And they need help.
You may think it is as simple as "cutting your boobs off and taking hormones" but that is NOT going to address the underlying mental health crisis that is currently happening.
They need immediate medical attention - potentially inpatient care. Please get this person the help they need.
You do not state your ages - but there could also be an underlying pathological diagnosis that has arisen due to the circumstances. Either way, not the time to be on the internet. This is the time to stabilize the situation and bring in professionals.
After that point...
As Elle pointed out - this may not be the best forum for you to ask questions about trans issues, as those on this forum are the straight spouses that have gone through some horrific betrayals and most would not be equipped to provide helpful advice for your situation.
It is great you are comfortable with a MOM, and want to support your spouse in coming out. The forum here will provide the support it can, but it may not be the best fit. I do wish we could refrain from telling people to shut up or insulting other forum members. I have been around this page for a good chunk of time now, and I have seen the changes over the years....I wish people could just be kinder to each other in general. There's enough pain in this process, we don't need to add more *shrugs*
- lily
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Re: Confused/angry/Place to vent
I don't know that I've ever seen someone tell another poster to shut up here before.
And KeanuV, I don't think I've ever read a post from a new poster here where I don't know anything about his/her's gender or sexuality.
I was a young thing in the seventies. I knew there were gays and lesbians but I had not heard the term gay in denial until I came here in my fifties, hurting from a long term marriage and seeking answers. Back in time when I was getting married to my xgidh it never occurred to me that someone would lie about something so important to the person they loved.
Now I know better, now I know that the closet is an evolution, my ex is like a hermit crab - he loves his closet, you wouldn't want to take it away from him, he's deceptive by trade.
so that's me, grandmother age like Elle, we grew up in very different times to nowadays.
There were a couple of things that stood out to me in your post -
"(FWIW we have a very happy and healthy marriage)"
and "When they came out to me they were sobbing that they "Had to choose between TTT or me" "
The first time I read it I was blinking, how can you say that you have a happy healthy marriage! then just now rereading it seems to me that what you are saying is that you have been getting on well and there is no reason to be scared of you which I fully understand. Maybe the idea of what a marriage is has evolved from what I understand the term to mean.
I'm a straight woman - ie I am sexually attracted to men, and I come with the standard set of emotions and drivers which make for family life - monogamy etc. At 18 years old, I wasn't exactly conscious of it but I was already looking for the one, the man I could mate with for life. I got hoovered up by a religious group and a year later I was easy pickings for Mr Gay In Denial, closet builder.
two generations later and people talk about finding 'their person' - I think straights have been losing traction in the gene pool for a long time while the dream lingers on. For us straights it is more like a necessity than a dream.
Giving yourself in marriage to someone who isn't fully reciprocal is more like a nightmare, a gathering storm behind you. The marital connection has not delivered the emotional intimacy you needed and now crave.
to me the second quote where she/he says she has to choose between TTT and you sounds like an emotional and accurate statement of her feelings.
But whatever, whatever, I agree with the other posters, she/he needs professional help now for her mental health.
Last edited by lily (November 26, 2024 5:52 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Confused/angry/Place to vent
I started a comment this morning, after reading this thread, but deleted it. But seeing what Lily has written, that she's "never seen someone tell another poster to shut up here before" I would like to say something similar.
Keanu, that you come onto a forum as a new member and demand support while telling someone else to "shut up" made me wary of engaging with you.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Confused/angry/Place to vent
Ok. Let's take gender identity and sexuality out of this to start......
Take it out? LOL...gender identity and sexuality elbowed its way into the lgb room, took up any spare space and sucked all the oxygen up so nobody could say a word and if you do get a word in edgewise you're called a bigot, then cancelled and labelled.
The trans community and its allies have alienated so many people, even lgb.
As for mental health. I realise this is simplistic but if you were once bubbly & happy....then not....ask yourself what happened in between. Ask the people who love you. Stop asking the internet/social media.
Elle
KIA KAHA