For a woman who says she's confused/need to find more proof about her husband you've sure done enough research, and self-reflection, to know he's not straight Well done..

He may be bisexual (which is an initial cop-out, an easy excuse because for many men bisexuality is somehow "okay")....or he may indeed be gay. But he isn't the important one here Looking4answers....you are. And you have a decision to make but that'll be a ways down the road because first you need to get the whole Mindfuck of this dynamic clear and understood in your mind first. That is more difficult when you're in a family with young children but finding people....family, friend, counsellor to talk to is a good start because speaking to somebody and hearing the words coming out of your mouth is totally different from our own tortured self-analytical middle-of-the-night sessions which only we 'hear'....lol 

Edited to say...that friend who told your husband he should telll you how good you look? I reckon he might know (or guess) that your husband is gay.

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 20, 2024 10:07 pm)

HI,

Your post is calling for validation of your thoughts that your H might be gay.  

I suppose the only people that can give complete validation would be the men he has had sex with.  But speaking as someone who had no evidence or proof either I know how hard it is to make progress in your life without it.  What I can say is your post is filled with stuff that says gay in denial.  What I can say is you do have evidence in a way, one very big piece - yourself. 

I didn't even think about snooping on his computer or phone.  There might have been evidence there, idk, but the stuff I've discovered since getting divorced makes me think my ex was very good at leading a double life - I did get my evidence afterwards.

As far as I can determine bisexual is just another term for gay in denial.  But really it's enough to know he isn't straight, isn't it?  A straight might think, oh he's bisexual maybe we can work out a way to have intimacy now that I know but if the term bisexual was literally accurate, ie experiences sexual attraction to women as well as men, then why didn't that intimacy happen at the start? 

"My husband and I met when I was a late teen and him early 20's. Our relationship has always been pretty lackluster, we don't fight or argue really. Anyway, it never occurred to me that my husband might be gay. It always seemed like I needed to work on myself to make any change in our relationship. Everyone said the one saying there's a problem is the one that needs to do the most changing so I have always just tried working on myself instead of trying to make it about my spouse."

I've taken your words and adjusted them so I literally could have written them myself.  Though reading it again, I wasn't advised to work on myself, just told to work on my marriage.  It was my husband who always told me it was me I had to work on.

It didn't occur to me until I was 57 that my ex was gay in denial - ie denying being gay - I heard the term on the straight spouse forum for the first time.  I wish I'd worked it out sooner and so all power to your elbow.  




 

Last edited by lily (November 23, 2024 5:18 pm)

I agree with the others. Your husband is most likely gay-in-denial based on his behaviors. However, the biggest question is whether you want to live this way. What do you want to teach your children about love and marriage? Is this type of emotional intimacy enough for you?

Also, my ex-GIDH blamed me for years (it was ALWAYS something -past or present). I spent years trying to fix myself to realize they were excuses because he wasn't attracted to me. He preferred men, and when the RIGHT guy entered into his life under the “friends” umbrella, our sex life really dried up. Ryan calls it the phase when he can no longer fake it! The patterns and behaviors are the same. Please listen to your gut and intuition!