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1 of 1- Confusedpartner
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Feeling hopeless is he gay?
Here is my situation.
Married for 8 years to my husband. It was a long distance marriage for the first 3 years. We didn't date but had 1 year of courtship before getting married. We would try to get physically initimate in our early marriage days. However, no penetrative sex as wanted to get comfortable and not get pregnant (as I was still finishing grad school). Overall, tried for a few handful of times without peneration. He would get an erection though. I also realized we started having fights and misunderstanding and he seemed to be not interested as much to start sex with or without condom. After finishing school, I moved in with him 5 years ago. Bedroom life still dull and he confessed about having ED after I moved in. He explained that it was a common problem in men these days and that he would take meds etc. COVID hit and I got distracted with other issues in my family. Lack of sex didn’t bother then and I knew he was dealing with ED so I didn’t pester him to avoid any embrassment. Fast forward to late 2022, I expressed my interest to starting working of physical intimacy as I was losing my biological years to start a family together. He kind of said yes we could try but no action. He attributed to that not giving him respect or prioritizing him. I thought it might be the lack of connection and respect in the relationship. I didn’t know what was in store for me because in early 2023 he got diagnosed with HIV. I got protected as we didn’t have sex. He claimed he got HIV before marriage via sex. I took his word and starter accepting his diagnosis. He also mentioned he was taking ED meds since 3-4 years (but didn't do sex). However, in the back of mind I had several questions. Fast forward to 2024 after he went undetected for his viral load I asked him about ED again. The reason being I needed to take meds (Prep) to protect me if we have sex. I didn't want to just take meds and not have sex. I forced him to a specialist for his ED which he refused earlier but agreed later. Then came back and said his ED meds worked fine but he couldn’t do sex with me. He gave a long list of his reasons and went on saying not attracted to me and lack of emotional intimacy, my questioning personality, lack of support for his ED and giving him disrespect on a regular basis. When I started making absence of sex in the marriage, he put all the blame on me. He wants to end the marriage based on personality issues and lack of trust and respect etc. Here, I am thinking what did I do in this marriage and wasted majority of my 30s with this guy. I am in my mid to late thirties and not sure if I can survive this betrayal. I always dreamt of having a family with kids and he tells me now he doesn’t want to have kids with me. I am barely surviving and can’t think straight anymore. He got HIV so he had sex and refused to have it me. He was okay as long as I was not bringing up his ED. Is he telling me the truth or just used me? I haven't confronted him to ask if he is gay. I didn't see any signs otherwise (just HIV and ED). I had access to his phone and didn't find anything weird. Please help as I think I can’t survive this shit anymore. This was my first relationship and I loved him truly and he said he compromised enough. Sorry for a long post. I am lost and feel so betrayed with this man. Please help. He said he got HIV from a woman (but I have no proof). Is he telling me the truth after ruining my life? Thanks
Last edited by Confusedpartner (November 18, 2024 5:44 pm)
- Lost in the Closet
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Re: Feeling hopeless is he gay?
While there is not enough info to say for certain he is gay. You have definitely stated some of the big clues that most of us run across. The lies, deceit, HIV, and gaslighting should be enough to help you make the decision to move on. Even if he isn't gay (but I think there is a good chance he is), this does not sound like a good relationship that serves your needs.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feeling hopeless is he gay?
Edited to say.... He sounds as gay as a gay thing to me. So...
Stop taking his word...
Don't have his child...
Stop looking to him for a reason to leave,
look to yourself and how he makes you feel..
Be strong..away from his influence you can survive this betrayal...
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 19, 2024 11:57 am)
KIA KAHA
- Confusedpartner
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Re: Feeling hopeless is he gay?
Thanks a lot. I feel dead from inside. He made the lack of emotional intimacy the main reason throughout. I offered counselling and a sex coach. He did few sessions for counselling but the discussion was on mostly around things I lacked and what he didn't get from me. We stopped it as he said it wasn't working. He didn't go the sex coach. The sex coach told me ED was his problem to solve. Now, he made me the bad person to not support him in his ED and my inability to stop asking questions. He wants to separate and saying we were never a good match. If he realized I was disrespecting him throughout this marriage, why make this a reason to leave now while I was waiting patiently for him. At this age, I am afraid of my future, traumatized and I might to give up my dream of having kids now. When I asked him about losing my fertile years, he said go freeze your eggs. I clearly told him two years ago that my biological clock was ticking. My OB-GYN told to start trying soon as I had a sexual partner. Will it get better? Did he not love me? I have so many questions. Will I ever get a closure and heal from this trauma?
Last edited by Confusedpartner (November 19, 2024 1:17 pm)
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feeling hopeless is he gay?
My comments in red.
Confusedpartner wrote:
Thanks a lot. I feel dead from inside. He made the lack of emotional intimacy the main reason throughout. I offered counselling and a sex coach. He did few sessions for counselling but the discussion was on mostly around things I lacked and what he didn't get from me. We stopped it as he said it wasn't working.It probably didn't work because in counselling one has to look inside oneself to find answers and I think he already knows what they are. Counselling would bring too much focus on something he wants to keep hidden. He didn't go the sex coach. The sex coach told me ED was his problem to solve. Now, he made me the bad person to not support him in his ED and my inability to stop asking questions. Yip these men do this. Change the narrative to pile all the problems on to somebody else. You know how it is, but you have to be strong enough...quiet and clear in your approach to find your own way out of the Mindfuck. He wants to separate and saying we were never a good match. Yay...!!! Call his bluff. Go see a lawyer. Get some good advice. If he realized I was disrespecting him throughout this marriage, why make this a reason to leave now while I was waiting patiently for him. At this age, I am afraid of my future, traumatized and I might to give up my dream of having kids now. There are many of us who are even older who have had to accept (in many cases) for half our lives we've been lied to & manipulated. Would you rather stay, have the child he apparently isn't interested in having with you and be in an unhappy marriage? When I asked him about losing my fertile years, he said go freeze your eggs. I clearly told him two years ago that my biological clock was ticking. My OB-GYN told to start trying soon as I had a sexual partner. Will it get better? Did he not love me? I have so many questions. Will I ever get a closure and heal from this trauma? You will heal because once you realise & accept this is not the man for you you'll want to change your life.
Go see a lawyer as soon as you can.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Confusedpartner
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Re: Feeling hopeless is he gay?
Thanks @Ellexoh_nz. I feel my reality is totally distorted. He is a good guy, very hard working and accomplished in his career. He did things for me but not too many (I wasy happy and didn't demand fancy things or gifts). We went on vacation together and had a good time in those trips. My thoughts are oscillating between the good times and conflicts we had. Why did I not see any signs? If he wasn't diagnosed, I might have continued to live like this. I also feel bad that he didn't take accountability for his ED. I was hopeful until earlier this summer we could find a solution together. But his reasons to leave this marriage now, unwillingness to work on ED and blame shifting has broke my trust. I was very angry this year and might have disrespected him more because my mind was going crazy with all the answers I was getting. I still took the blame on me, cried for months and apologized. I don't know what could have I done to save this marriage. How does a normal marriage look like? I use to hear from other couples that all have personality issues with fights here and there but still have physical intimacy in the bedroom. Even when we were vacationing together, he didn't initiate sex. After a couple of years, even I lost interest. I was not good enough for him. Very sad situation. I feel a heavy loss because I thought he was a good man and loved me.
Last edited by Confusedpartner (November 19, 2024 4:33 pm)
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feeling hopeless is he gay?
..I feel my reality is totally distorted. He is a good guy, very hard working and accomplished in his career. He did things for me but not too many (I wasy happy and didn't demand fancy things or gifts). We went on vacation together and had a good time in those trips. The first 20 years of my r'ship were perfect too. He had, still has, a good work ethic, is kind and a pleasant personality. I was in love, but I think that love led to A (my partner) thinking I would be okay with his bisexuality. And to be fair at first I was but he took more, expected more from me, to accept the 'other side of him' My thoughts are oscillating between the good times and conflicts we had. Why did I not see any signs? LOL if you have a closet you want to keep hidden you'll guard it fiercely. If he wasn't diagnosed, I might have continued to live like this. I also feel bad that he didn't take accountability for his ED. I was hopeful until earlier this summer we could find a solution together. But his reasons to leave this marriage now, unwillingness to work on ED and blame shifting has broke my trust. I was very angry this year and might have disrespected him more because my mind was going crazy with all the answers I was getting. I think he deserves all the disrespect you're feeling. I also think you're way too hard on yourself but yeah....we do that
I still took the blame on me, cried for months and apologized. I don't know what could have I done to save this marriage. How does a normal marriage look like? There is no "normal" marriage. But a straightspouse knows when something is not right. I use to hear from other couples that all have personality issues with fights here and there but still have physical intimacy in the bedroom. Even when we were vacationing together, he didn't initiate sex. After a couple of years, even I lost interest. I was not good enough for him. Very sad situation. I feel a heavy loss because I thought he was a good man and loved me. This is a really bad part of the Mindfuck you're going through. The sadness, the questioning, the blame. The answer must come from you....
Can you get to a lawyer? For advice to begin with..?.
E
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Feeling hopeless is he gay?
Hi confused, you sound like a very nice person but he sounds as selfish as the day is long.
My take is that it is similar to what I experienced - you feel confused because he is deliberately making you feel confused. So what that he is charming.
Everybody thinks my ex is such a nice man, I thought so too so why was I feeling so hurt by him?
One day I sat down and thought through all the years all the people who think he's so nice and I tried to find one instance of him putting himself out to help someone else. nada. zip. not one instance of actual niceness, just the feeling he produces that he is nice - charming. he can charm children let alone adults but the reality is he is entirely selfish.
Do you know why your partner wants a divorce now? The better you understand what is motivating him the more informed you are to negotiate the settlement. My ex was very keen to stay closeted and I was able to make that work to my advantage somewhat though he remained relentless in trying to get as much out of me as he could.
You have every right to tell your story, my suggestion is to talk with confidants, talk with family, and talk with good lawyer.
Last edited by lily (November 19, 2024 5:34 pm)
- Confusedpartner
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Re: Feeling hopeless is he gay?
Hi confused, you sound like a very nice person but he sounds as selfish as the day is long.
My take is that it is similar to what I experienced - you feel confused because he is deliberately making you feel confused. So what that he is charming.
Everybody thinks my ex is such a nice man, I thought so too so why was I feeling so hurt by him?
One day I sat down and thought through all the years all the people who think he's so nice and I tried to find one instance of him putting himself out to help someone else. nada. zip. not one instance of actual niceness, just the feeling he produces that he is nice - charming. he can charm children let alone adults but the reality is he is entirely selfish.
Do you know why your partner wants a divorce now? He now thinks we are not a good match when I don't stop asking questions about lack of sex in this marriage. He thinks we have personality issues etc and counselling or any professional help won't help. I am trying to make ED a big issue now. Anways, he has shifted the blame on me as I explained and no need to dig further. The better you understand what is motivating him the more informed you are to negotiate the settlement. My ex was very keen to stay closeted and I was able to make that work to my advantage somewhat though he remained relentless in trying to get as much out of me as he could. I haven't asked him yet if he is gay. I am still confused about this and if I was a cover up. Thanks for sharing your experience.
You have every right to tell your story, my suggestion is to talk with confidants, talk with family, and talk with good lawyer.
Last edited by Confusedpartner (November 19, 2024 9:35 pm)
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