Lostandconfused1234 wrote:

.... I spend each day loving being in her company and cherishing her, and despising her when we're apart....

Hi Lost, I think maybe you have to take a giant step back and consider what's happening when you are in her company.  Sounds like she is playing you.

wishing you all the best, I like your plan of bettering yourself, just keep on remembering - none of this is your fault. 
 

Not doing great here in VA.  Been a little over a year since the FULL MONTY disclosure.  in that time I have spent 7 months of watching my mother die, being strong and constant for her while dealing with the implosion of my reality. 19 years married, 26 years of knowing and loving my best friend now turned stranger.  3 months ago my FIL passed and I have been emotionally supportive of my husband.  He doesn't want divorce, wants to stay married.  I don't.  I won't. He avoids it all.  I gave up my career, took on raising our granddaughter and caring for my mother and FIL.  Now I am 60 and am finally trying to care for myself and find me again.
I have found a excellent therapist and I don't feel suicidal anymore.  Try to get at least one positive thing done each day and end most days crying in bed with my cats & dogs whose love and consistency have saved my soul many many times.   Trying to find the courage and energy and means to gently end this marriage and relationship without losing my heart and compassion along the way. 

Sorry for the ramble...
 

Odd_Education_882 wrote:

Not doing great here in VA.  Been a little over a year since the FULL MONTY disclosure.  in that time I have spent 7 months of watching my mother die, being strong and constant for her while dealing with the implosion of my reality. 19 years married, 26 years of knowing and loving my best friend now turned stranger.  3 months ago my FIL passed and I have been emotionally supportive of my husband.  He doesn't want divorce, wants to stay married.  I don't.  I won't. He avoids it all.  I gave up my career, took on raising our granddaughter and caring for my mother and FIL.  Now I am 60 and am finally trying to care for myself and find me again.
I have found a excellent therapist and I don't feel suicidal anymore.  Try to get at least one positive thing done each day and end most days crying in bed with my cats & dogs whose love and consistency have saved my soul many many times.   Trying to find the courage and energy and means to gently end this marriage and relationship without losing my heart and compassion along the way. 

Sorry for the ramble...
 

Your situation sounds remarkably similar to mine - I am sending you positive thoughts! Please remember that you're not alone in this, although it may feel like it sometimes. I'm so grateful for this community - prior to discovering OurPath, I was utterly lost and could not relate to issues discussed on typical marriage forums. This is such a mind-warp of an experience, isn't it?

It's only been a few months since full disclosure, but my suspicions were so strong and the truth was trickling slowly for awhile before, so I guess I'd become sort of "used to" the idea leading up to it. He wants to stay married and made it clear he does not want to be out publicly or to any other family/friends, so I'm burdened with that... for now, anyway. My FIL has been having health issues, so I've been helping with that and supporting my husband, as well as keeping up with my own elderly parents out of state. It's exhausting.

I have also found a wonderful therapist recently and it's helped immensely. Slowly, but surely, I'm working past my chronic "people pleasing" tendencies and getting to know myself again. It is overwhelming to be on my own healing journey while still being in this particular situation - it feels like I cruise the full emotional spectrum each day! However, I am trying to remain focused for now and cautiously optimistic for whatever the future holds.