Hey! I am great! I found out about my now ex in August 2022. Now, I am completely off anxiety meds, which I had been on for the entire time I was with her (23 years), I eat diary (hadnt been able tolerate it for the duration) and my girlfriend is amazing and loves me for me, initiates intimacy, etc. (I didnt know women actually did that regularly until I got into a healthy relationship).

My ex is still a clown show. She uses the kids to try to get me to respond and regularly accuses me of having feelings for her. I simply have healthy boundaries now but she views it as bitterness that I no longer engage with her nonsense. 

Life is amazing and I am a fortunate man to  get out when I did!

@Blackie563 At one point of my "journey" I would just filter your posts and read them because your words gave me so much strength. You chose to look for what you can learn from all of the mess life gave you, and in every word you write I feel your drive to move forward. I am so thankful that you are sharing here. I too tend to look at what I can learn from any situation in life but I can get caught up in my emotions and then my "progress" is slower. But I go so much quicker since all of it happened. Honestly, (and I am not blaming my ex for how I was living my life before), this whole thing helped me wake up and change my life so much. I live in the present, my heart is open, I see people more clearly... so many things got so much better. Anyway, thank you for being here.

@Elle I read your updates, I didn't reply but I really do care. Same as with Blackie (and many other people here) I am so thankful for meeting you here. Your honesty and directness helped me so much to get real and move forward faster than I otherwise would. I am sure the emptiness you still feel will get better with time as your heart and mind will start to fill with new "content". For me that was the hardest part- to rewire my brain and my heart. My life was so comfortable, and I shared it with a kind human- who can ask for anything more-right? And now when I look at the pictures of my past self I see an insecure  person who settled for comfort (and with that I just mean feeling emotionally safe) and didn't really live how she felt she should. I hope you stay on this forum for a very very long time. Your replies, especially to new people here bring so much comfort, strength and trust that these situations are survivable. Big hug to you.
 

Hi Ellierigg,

I am a few weeks post-divorce and almost a year into living on my own. Someone asked me how I was doing the other day and I was surprised to be able to honestly say "I'm good!". I'm much less anxious - seriously, much less! I'm still pretty emotionally and physically exhausted, but I think that will improve as I continue to grieve and process. Things are quiet now, blissfully so, and I am learning to look after me again. 

I can relate to the emptiness Elle mentions. Leaving such a long marriage (30+ years) leaves a big void, and, at times, it's hard to not feel "washed up" and "too old". I think it's just part of the loss. Fortunately, the good days are more and more frequent, and I go longer and longer between the bad days. 

I have appreciated posts from all three of you here on my journey. From Blackie because it gives me hope that I could have a good relationship some day, from Elleierigg because of your optimism and positive outlook, and from Elle because of your honesty, wise words, and similarity in stage of life. 

Wishing you all a great day!

Anon 765

I have been in this journey officially since around August when she finally disclosed. She's not out out and our relationship is marching forward seemingly the same as it was before. We have some semblance of boundaries. I've taken a hard stance against any extramarital activities, no emotional affairs, no kissing. I realize that it's like trying to catch sand in a strainer, but at least at some point I will definitively know where our relationship lies. I spend each day loving being in her company and cherishing her, and despising her when we're apart. I love her but I've realized that in years past I made myself too dependent on her. I can't trust my best friend with my pain because they are the cause of it. I recently reached out to a therapist and I'm hoping I can resolve some of my trust issues and unresolved trauma. I'm working on bettering myself, but I feel like I'm making myself worse by dwelling on the hurt. I don't want to drop my guard again.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Lostandconfused1234 wrote:

..... I've taken a hard stance ........ it's like trying to catch sand in a strainer,.....I spend each day loving being in her company and cherishing her, and despising her when we're apart. .....I can't trust my best friend with my pain because they are the cause of it. ......... I don't want to drop my guard again.

 

When I first walked into this storm it was confusing, with me reliant on what I thought I knew....how to lean into the winds and adapt to the increasing changes. Always looking for (expecting almost) A to stay beside me, do this with me.
But when I was in the middle of it....it was like I was blindfolded, not able to see the bumps and potholes in the road, or the gusts of wind that swept me off my feet. I kept expecting it to become easier, shouting at it to stop! but it seemed it never would. Kept searching for a hand that never appeared.
The last of the storm is like finding the blue sky above the rain. I could not only see the clearing....I knew it was there, that was the direction I had to take and that I could only trust myself to get there.

https://youtu.be/clwkBtzYb0g?si=CGJ4qeJRduaBmpAU

Elle
 

I can't fully process all the lyrics, but I can feel everything. Crying in traffic has become a favorite hobby of mine. Thank you for this song, for this kindness to a complete stranger. The crying helps.