Hi,

You have a lot to process here.  I suggest reading on this site and bring up anything you want to talk about in your posts.  

this is a huge shock, it is good you are already separated but also it's a whole extra level of discard that he kept you in the dark while divorcing you.  it must have been awful.

so the other good thing is now you know.  Give it some time.  Crying is good.  I spent a lot of time curled up on my bed letting my feelings come and go and just listening to what they had to say.  And I have to say the other thing I liked was water - long showers, walks on the beach in the rain, lots of water, it helped.

yes, that's the crucial aspect - how to communicate with your children.  Do you think they know their father is gay?

edited to add - please, give yourself a hug, being naive to the closet is just 100% normal.  Now you know and for the next few years your picture of how big the closet is will grow.

Last edited by lily (October 20, 2024 5:54 pm)

What you've discovered comes as a huge shock.  To know you were living in your marriage with a closeted gay man for two decades absolutely does make you question your whole life together--and whether you are still married or divorced doesn't alter that.  You still go back over the whole marriage, and ask yourself if it any of it was true, whether or not he ever loved you, and just what he married you for.  That you have been communicating with him amicably since the divorce just adds to the upset, because you have been operating in good faith, as you also were during the marriage.  

Have you considered telling your children, rather than asking them?  Or speaking with a counselor yourself, with the aim of telling the kids, maybe even in a counseling session?  That might be the way to go, rather than simply going on as you are now, knowing what you know, and wondering what your children know.

Hi ddm, I’m sorry to hear all the disappointment and addiction you’ve endured in your marriage, while trying  to hold it all together until the kids were raised. And now you’ve got the kicker of his secret life/attraction. And sorry to hear you are coping with a disability as well.

Regarding counseling, there are psychologists who take Medicare and you can check on your Medicare site to locate them. Hope you can find all the support available to you at this trying time. Glad you’re posting here too; you are definitely not alone.

Hello ddm,

I am sorry for all the hurt you’re experiencing at this time. It certainly sounds as if you have been on a journey with your former husband. I wonder if the alcohol is also part of his denial about his sexuality.

As you will see from the many different stories, conversations and podcasts on this platform you are most definitely not alone. When I first found this website; even the fact I was on here felt somewhat surreal. Divorce is not something you could ever wish for but as many of us know it is often a place we find ourselves. There are so many layers to discovering your spouse has a different sexual/gender identity than you had previously believed.  It does make you question everything and often they are unwilling to discuss any of this with you leaving you unsure as to what was real.

I took a lot of my former husband’s lack of accountability, his choices to not continue being the father he had always been to our children very personally. However, while this doesn’t in anyway lessen the deep hurt for the children or yourself it does appear that this can be a normal pattern for men who hide their sexual identity and then enter into almost an adolescence when the opportunity presents itself. I realized that this was more about him than us. I also realized that him choosing not to be truthful was about him and his insecurities. This doesn’t change the fact that you spent all those years in a marriage creating a family together that meant everything to you. This is more about you and who you are,

I hear many people talk about how resilient children are. Maybe that is true when faced with no choice. Children certainly know when others are not being honest with them. I was in such a deep state of shock when I found out and my former spouse did not respond well that I simply felt I had to tell the children. In fact, I said, “I am going to offer you something I have not been offered, honesty”. This allowed them and myself to be vulnerable with one another and have a sense of connection when the rest of our universe felt like it was slipping away.  And naturally, there is a before and an after, as there is when grief touches our lives. We want to protect our children from hurt but it is a part of life. Also, from you stating your former husband had always been a good father, as mine had, giving them the full picture felt kinder in a very unkind discovery, Just like you say, I knew my children would be accepting of his sexuality but it was his lack of honesty that hurt them. Not only within the family structure but the time since discovery. And it is of great sadness to us, that he would rather stay hidden.  His shame is greater than his love for his children. Again, this is about him.

It takes time to understand that this is something we may never truly understand. It takes time to acknowledge that a great part of your life may not have been what you imagined it to be. And if I am honest, may be there is a part of us that is in denial about that relationship. But finally, when you have the truth, you have a place to go forward from. And while the past may not be what we imagined, maybe the future will also be more than we could have imagined.

I would suggest you go very gently with yourself. Offer yourself some grace. Find someone you can confide in. Journal. Rest when you are tired. This is now your journey to heal. Try yoga. Take the best care possible of yourself so you can still be the wonderful mother that your children look to. There is no way around the pain only through it.  I do hope you’re able to find another therapist.  Reach out on here whenever you want to.

With healing thoughts

Deleted xoxo