Hi Ikey,

Welcome to the club of where we never thought we'd be. If you read some of the other posts on the site, you'll see that there is more than one way to navigate this. Here's my advice which (as I tell my kids) you are free to ignore:

1. Always consider your interests and the interests of the children first. How do you feel? What do you want? Things will evolve. Put yourself and your needs first. It's not selfish to do so.
2. Get your financial house in order and consult a lawyer about separation/divorce as soon as you can - just in case. It may not come to that because, truly, every situation is different. But it is so much better to be prepared now. And you don't have to tell your wife you're doing it.
3. Definitely find someone to confide in.  A friend (or several), a therapist, all of the above. Talking to someone about your concerns and feelings is not the same as "outing" your wife. You have every right to support. If you go to couples therapy, also go to individual therapy to help you sort out what's coming up in your couple.

I don't know how your situation is going to unfold. Often, spouses come out, and then it's discovered that they were cheating/lying/using porn, they don't want to leave the comfy marriage to truly be out, and things just go downhill from there. But sometimes they come out, the couple works together and everyone winds up friends and happily re-partnered, like you wish. I hope the best for you.

There's lots of experience and wisdom here, so keep posting. Best of luck,

Anon 765

 

Ikey7, 

 I'm sorry you've had to join the club none of us wanted to belong to.  My sympathies.

 Anon 765's suggestions are good ones. 

In the spirit of the first suggestion, to consider first how you feel and what you want, I suggest you confront the reality that what you say you want--a heterosexual relationship with another woman--and what she has said--that you aren't getting divorced and your marriage is sacred--can't co-exist.  The reality is that they can't.  Perhaps your wife feels at some level guilty for what her revelation of same-sex attraction has put into play in your lives, and that's why she's saying what she is about things between you and in your marriage and family staying as they are.  But as you more clearly perceive, nothing is the same any longer, and it can't be put back the way it was.  Even if on the surface everything looks the same, underneath the ground has shifted.  (In my own marriage, I always held out hope that the lack of intimacy we had--not just sexual--might one day be resolved, but once I knew my now-ex was not straight, I knew that the problems could never be resolved, so what I was looking at, if I stayed in the marriage, was a lifelong continuation of the status quo, with no hope of resolution.  That was not something I was willing to commit to or undergo.)

This means that Anon's second suggestion, to visit a lawyer, is indeed a necessity.  You need to have a clear understanding of what separation and divorce will entail, what your obligations will be, what the custody arrangements might look like, and how to both provide for your children and protect your own financial future.  

The decision to consult a lawyer is a momentous and emotional one, so making the decision to reach out for and getting support, whether that's to/from a close friend, family, or a therapist, will help as you navigate this difficult passage.  

ikey7 wrote:

. .....My wife does not have a specific interest in another woman....... 

 
Whether she does it doesn't is not the point. She has changed the dynamics of the relationship you have together.

"...at some point she may want to pursue a relationship with a woman, but that is so far down the road...."

This tells me she's been thinking (and planning) about her decisions for longer than you think.

"....and our level of intimacy, whether emotional or sexual, was always much better than other couples (any I've known, honestly)...."

Yeah ditto....A and I had the best intimate connection. We were "best friends" could talk about anything. That closeness and stability in our r'ship let him think the  admission of same-sex attraction would be accepted, understood and would fit seamlessly into  the life HE wanted for us.
It took years for me to put myself first, instead of him. 38 years in fact.

Elle

Lily - I feel you.

It was so insidious, how it all happened. Oh how I wish I had left when he first came out....and not stayed for those tortuous years. And when things did happen, it was within minutes - because he had spent years planning it out (while I was naively working on the marriage, supporting him etc), and I got blind sided.

I also had high blood pressure, my blood sugar went wonky, I couldn't stop throwing up, chest pain. You name it. Now that the divorce is finalized....it has pretty much all cleared. Lost 20 lbs. Don't need the anti-depressant anymore.

Ikey7 - I also thought my marriage was different, that he wasn't like the others on this page. I defended him, ironically, even after he left. I did not see the damage he did to me, until he decimated me as a person. The morning he blindsided me, he kissed me and told me how much he loved me.

The depth and length of the lies (and I know I still have no idea of the actual truth) was astounding. I hate to say this, but this isn't likely to be a long drawn out process. You need to speak to a lawyer and legally separate. You don't have to be unkind. You can work to ensure you are both taken care of and set up for success - but it's like pulling off a band aid. You just have to get it over with.

Ikey7,

"...what we have is sacred.."

"at some point I may want to pursue a relationship with a woman, but that is so far down the road."

Statements don't add up.   She doesn't sound like someone that  has integrity or has your back.

Will she tell when she is far down the road...next week...next year...so loving of her to let you know.   


Sorry to sound harsh..just in a mood today about how much ill treatment I tolerated..

Wishing you strength and self love.

Last edited by Rob (October 12, 2024 10:09 pm)