okay so it sounds like your wife is straight and that when you got together you didn't tell her you were having sex with men before you met her.

what a dire mess it is to wake up to - I experienced it from the other side, the straight one who had been lied to.  I know it would have made it a lot easier for me if my ex had been honest with me at that point rather than keeping up with the lies.

Middle age is an odd time in life.  You're over the hill and you know it, you just want somewhere comfortable to live out the rest of your life.  But you are back to connecting with feelings again - feeling cornered, guilty and lonely is the underground picture that is coming to the fore in you - and there is all the rest of your life to live.

You have expressed your situation very well in your post - perhaps you could show it to your wife.  

Stand back.  Just let her read it for herself.   

Honesty from you now.   If my ex had given me that maybe we could have been friends going forward.







 

Last edited by lily (September 30, 2024 5:23 pm)

A guy didn't seduce you. You chose to cheat. And you are continuing to choose to cheat. You are lying to your wife and family and cheating on her and your kids. Own your own actions, stop trying to put any sort of spin on it.

You are about to rip apart the very essence of your wife. The woman you promised to love and cherish forever, but instead chose to lie to, cheat on, and destroy. 

At this point - you are acting incredibly selfish. And until you own it and actually see your wife as an equal partner, all you are going to do is hurt her some more.

You don't love your wife - this is not how you treat someone you love. Read what you wrote again. You say you love your wife and want to spend your life with her but aren't sexually attracted to her (and have been cheating on her for years).

So, you are saying that your wife doesn't deserve someone who truly loves her. Someone who remains monogamous to her. Someone who desires her. She doesn't deserve to have a fulfilling sex life? She's just supposed to be a pawn in your life, and hang around while you go out and cheat on her?

Meanwhile, you say your wife is upset by the lack of sex (who wouldn't be, she has no idea what the hell is going on and is likely blaming herself) and is worried about your health. 

Say it louder for everyone in the back.....you are cheating on your wife while your wife is concerned about your health and wellbeing and trying to figure out what is going on.

So - you came here asking what to do or say to your wife.

What you do: zip up your pants and keep it in your pants. You need to look at this in a manner that has you telling the whole truth, no half truths or lies, while providing your wife with support and empathy for the devastation she is about to feel from your ultimate betrayal. Her life is going to be a living hell and it is going to take a long time for her to climb out of the hole you cause when you atom bomb her life.

So stop thinking with your little head, and use your brain. Arrange to have a support system for her (maybe even talk with a counsellor about how to best approach this and make sure she is supported). If she wants you to leave, you leave. You support her and the kids financially and aim to minimize the impact it has - can the kids stay in the same school district? Stay in the family home?

You answer her questions honestly. No lies. You take accountability for your actions. You apologize. You show empathy. You support her the best you can. And most importantly, you let her go. Don't drag her into the closet with you. Respect and care about her enough to leave her with as minimal baggage as possible, so she can find someone who does actually love and desire her for being her.

Just wow...

MarriedFrenchGuy,

You say you don't want to hurt her...but you withheld your same sex attraction and now cheated...decisions you made...unilaterally without any regard for her or the kids.   You've already hurt her..and them..and you continue to hurt them over and over. 

At this point if you had an ounce of morals left,  as you say you do, you would give her a generous divorce and settlement ...end the lies and disingenous marriage without being more hurtful and cruel.  You can take care of your them as you vowed to do.   You cannot undo the hurt you are inflicting on them but you can end it in a more kind way than many of us got..thats possibly the only way you can make a make minor ammend.  Do the right thing now in this life ..stop thinking only about yourself..