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Hi everyone, we are married for 8years and both are in our mid 30s. I recently started to feel suspicious about my husband’s sexual orientation. I am not a native English speaker so, sorry if my writing sounds a bit funny at some points.
First of all, we are really good friends and we both are so happy to spent time together. He always says I am in love with you. But, he always interested in anal sex with me from the first years of our relationship. The last year he wanted to get some anal toys and we started some anal play. He loves when I play with his butt and he wants me to pegging him. He is watching trans porn all the time and one day we watched together and I never seemed him had an orgasm like that before. It was a bit suspicious for me and I asked that why you are so in to the Transporn and he said it’s so erotic and I am watching it since I am a teenager.
In the last months, he has difficulities to cum in PIV positions and asks me to do oral or blow jobs to end the sex. He does not make love or kiss so much, directly goes in to the sex position. He started to refuse me when I wanted to have sex by saying I am tired, stressed or he says we are getting older. I feel like he is relieved when I am on my period.
He is using testosterone because he feels his libido is low. He is also using Cilatil/Tadalafil. He stopped his TRT treatment for a while and his sex drive was completely gone.
The other thing is he always has very close boyfriends from work or gym. They talk every night and I feel so neglected while they are together. Also, his boyfriend(he is married but I am nearly sure that he is secretly gay) always compliments to my husband about how handsome or charismatic he is and I can see that my husband feels so flattered after these compliments. Also, this boyfriend says to me sometimes, I am jealous of their relationship(this is so weird because I even didn’t feel something like that) They always talk and joke about other man’s sexual preferences and mostly comment that X is gay bla bla. They do hand jokes to each others mostly touching each other’s butt. When I asked about that to my husband he said it’s just a man joke. My husband does this jokes to some of his colleagues as well and one of his colleagues mentioned me about that in a business event. In this business event, my husband’s boss(Male in his 50s, married with 3 kids, homofobic) mentioned me about how colourful my husband’s undies are.
One day I said to my husband I feel like your relationship with your boyfriend is a bit far from friendship and he was shocked not angry just shocked and he was in silence. Later we openly talked about his sexual orientation, he said I am not gay, I suspected that I am gay when I was teenager but I am not, I just love to watch transporn. I also said to him, I have a feeling that your close friend might be gay and I showed him some of his friend’s pictures( two man; one is smoking and sending the smoke to the other man’s mouth without kissing him but very eroticly) and he said there is nothing wrong with these photos, they are just having fun. And after a few days of this conversation, I noticed that these photos are removed from this friend’s profile. That means they talked about these photos and the friend decided to delete them. But my husband says I did not talk to him.
I feel so confused and just want to believe my husband but I feel like something is not right.
Thanks so much for your help in advance.
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Hi Jenny,
Generally, it is not up to other people to determine your husband's sexuality, but it does sound like he may be attracted to men - possibly more than women. You listed many red flags, but particularly, difficulty cumming with PIV, affectionate physical behaviours with men, trans porn since teenagerhood and preference for anal.
I don't know where you are from, but to most women in both western and eastern cultures this could be challenging news. It doesn't have to be! Many people thrive in mixed-orientation marriages, although it could be quite hard to make this transition.
If him being gay (or bisexual) is completely unacceptable to you - you can (and probably should) leave.
If you value your relationship too much to end it, and you think you can accept his same-sex attraction, the first step for you should be talking to your husband. I would suggest bringing up the topic gently, caveating that you have nothing against gay/bisexual people. I would also tell him that you feel like he is not entirely honest with you and that it is hurting you. Please don't attack his same-sex attraction - this is not something he can change about himself.
Once you talk to him - you will gauge whether he is ready/willing to work on this with you and how much he cares about you. Then you can decide your next steps.
If you would like to read more about my experience of navigating a mixed-orientation marriage with my bisexual husband - you can read my thread.
Good luck!
Last edited by Alex1984 (September 27, 2024 3:20 am)
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Hi Alex, thanks so much for your message and help. I exactly think like you and that helps me to understand the situation better. So, I can move on whether staying in the relationship or leaving. Open conversations help always.
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He doesn't sound straight..just saying straight guys don't watch trans porn. You have every right to be concerned....we should be enough..we should be more than enough for our spouses/partners.