The woke culture (and everyone else here) will shoot me, but my stance on 100% gay is the same as on 100% straight as on 100% anything. The moment we accept it - the need for labels will just drop off!!! I agree with you wholeheartedly: there is confused youth, endocrination and general obsession with labelling.  Why can't we just say "we are all people, who are attracted to other people"?

An individual is free to define their own identity and they can choose to identify as straight (I do) and nobody should argue it. I don't argue your identity or Sean's identity or anyone else's. What happens on this forum, however, is a lot of people labeling others' sexuality and discussing societal phenomena and trends. I was speaking from that perspective. So I will correct myself: there is not such thing as 100% anything in terms of sexual behaviours or attractions (or any other psychological characteristics for that matter).

Connection to sexuality for me is a different from labeling - I don't care about your label, just tell me your story.

I'm sure Sean won't get offended, it was just a question consistent with our regular exchange, but I would be happy to apologize if I overstepped the line. If anything, I would expect a negative reaction on the first sentence of this comment. And to pre-empt the anger... no, I'm not trying to erase decades of the identity fight. I get it. In political debate you need to be black and white. 100% everything. Genetic predisposition. This is how you drive policy, particularly in the US. It's just how politics work. We are among friends here though, so I think we can be a bit more nuanced. Sean? 😊

Last edited by Alex1984 (September 24, 2024 11:01 pm)

Sean, I love your response! I think some of it may apply to him (the too much talking about his wife probably... lol). I'm going to show it to him and report back if he has any thoughts.

Alex could you please provide more information about how your bisexual husband is connecting with the queer community? Is he going to gay bars, attending LGBTQ club meetings, playing on a gay sports team, or chatting on Grindr? Let me know! 

Rose, I 100% agree and always said that gay, bi or straight doesn't matter - you can build relationship with anyone who is open and honest with you. My heart breaks because of all the lying people experience. I left two straight relationships because I couldn't get my ex-partners to be fully honest with me (and there was cheating involved). 

Anyway... here's from my husband. He read the posts starting from Anon's and to the end. Robbed me off almost an entire evening with him, but I think it was worth to post something from him. Enjoy everyone!

Hi Sean and everyone,

There are a lot of stereotypes here.

I personally wouldn't want to be connected with someone in a gay adolescence state.  I am not disputing gay adolescence is a thing, I have read enough and spoken to enough people to understand it and imagine what it might be like, but I don't think it's a prerequisite to self-discovery. I personally don't feel any compulsion to behave in this way. Everyone's approach to self-discovery, by virtue of the idiosyncrasies of being human, is likely to be different.

I am glad to hear you accept the sexual spectrum. My personal experience is that on any given day my preferences can swing closer to straight or gay and vice versa. There is so much that influences this - environmental factors, who you associate with on a day-to-day basis, the current state of my connection to my wife, etc. I strongly believe that it is ill informed to lump all attractions into a single bucket labelled "sexual", due to the emotional, social and romantic drivers. My therapist, who identifies as gay and is married to a man, confirms that based on his extensive experience which is also backed by research, this is the same for straight people.

I don't speak about my wife extensively in gay environments (predominantly on;ine forums and chat), and frankly, I don't go to gay bars. If I did, I wouldn't be lecturing about or seeking validation for identifying as bisexual- it would kind of negate the purpose of being there in the first place. I consider myself emotionally mature enough to be able to read the room when I connect with other people. Ironically, I am vegan, I would not willingly go to a steak restaurant, but if I found myself in one, I certainly would not be loud and outspoken given that it is unlikely that I would have gone there against my willI in the first place. 

The "bi now gay later" statement is I think the strangest of all. I fully understand that statistically there is a high "conversion rate" from bisexual to gay, but coming from those who don't know me, it does sound a little dismissive. It doesn't sound like you grant me a lot of agency in that regard. If someone wanted to debate sexual orientation with me, I would be very happy to hear their perspective, as to me, any well considered conversation is a valid part of the journey of discovery. 

Based on my experience  connecting with people on a number of apps, many people shy away from connection. I think dialogue like this, in part, reinforces this prejudice against those who identify as bi. I am not desperate and interesting people do surace, but they are few and far in between.

Finally, on the topic of labels, I personally don't find them helpful. Notwithstanding my comments above about my views on sexual fluidity, at the end of the day as long as we are open and honest with ourselves and our partners, and that our relationship is built on love and trust, I don't believe that our sexual identity really matters. I know honesty is not something that all straight spouses unfortunately encounter and I do feel guilty that I was also once not entirely honest with my wife. I have a strong people pleasing gene in me and it was getting in a way as I didn't want to upset or bother her with my sexual fantasies. I ended up hurting her more than I could have ever imagined and I am now doing my very best to never put us in this situation again.

Stay well everyone! 
 

Last edited by Alex1984 (September 25, 2024 6:14 am)

RoseColoredGlasses wrote:

And why didn't anyone go anywhere near my lying issue? As distinct from confused/exploring et cetera. After years of this, I feel like changing my login from "RoseColoredGlasses" to "CollateralDamage". I married a person who professed a lot of love for me and made approximately one million promises that he did not keep. Boyfriend surfaced, he promised it was a one-time thing. Extra cell phones - more excuses.

My 32 year marriage ends in a week. I sacrificed my career for his: moving, staying home with the kids, etc. I had options: two Ivy League degrees and a successful career before children. But he lied to me. Over and over again. I kept the divorce private and calm for the kids, but it cost me a lot of money to get a deal done without going to trial - my choice. But again, because I was generous and honest, I feel like a chump. It is pretty crummy to be sitting here at 58, looking at the dating websites and feeling very afraid, and like a stupid chump. I protected the kids but hurt myself. One adult in this relationship. Totally unfair. Glasses off, I guess. 

I just want to let you know that you are not alone and give you a virtual hug. I feel everything in this post, as my path is very similar to yours. I just signed the divorce decree a week ago....and the only one who got hurt in any of this was me. I, too, am collateral damage and I honestly don't know how I am going to recover from it. 

Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to.