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1 of 1- HelplessHousewife
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Guess I just need support and advice *Trigger warning SA*
Hello all,
I stumbled across this after pretty much confirming my husband is gay. He has not come out and is still stuck in the "I am not gay" bracket. I will admit that could be true, BI and other things so occur. I guess I just want to see what everyone thinks.
My husband has openly admitted he was sexually abused by a group of guys. He said he sent nudes under age and was blackmailed to come over and well you can put the rest in place. He has also admitted to be shortly after all this that he went a did 2nd base with a guy to see if he was gay. He stands by the fact he hates it, couldn't finish.
Now here is where the story gets into our marriage, as past is a past you know. I wouldn't even care if he was Bi.
about 8 months in I found him on dating apps talking to women, we broke up and I soon found out I was pregnant. I was really ill and he was so attentive and was an amazing dad. It basically built our relationship again and I married him.
Then fast forward 3 years and I caught him talking to people on a gay site this time (Mostly Trans), again we broke up, my son (who is autistic) would not settle and I was struggling financially, so I let him back in.
Tonight, I find he his downloaded Grinder again, while setting his alarms for work as he always forgets, may I add.
I haven't brought up this last time with him because frankly I saw it coming and I do not care at this point. Like he is here for the child and money only and he knows that. We work well, we are a great team. We still have sex, because well I want to.
Has anyone lived like this? He still states he is not gay and he doesn't know why he does it, it just gets him off. He has appeared to not meet anyone, but you never know, I did check for STIs anyway. Like I offered an open marriage and he refused, doesn't want me seeing people. (what a joke).
Where would you even go from here, I am extremely confused about my own life right now. Apart of me just wants to ignore what he does and do my own thing but like can you even be happy like that.
Last edited by HelplessHousewife (July 25, 2024 7:38 pm)
- Alex1984
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Re: Guess I just need support and advice *Trigger warning SA*
Dear HH,
I am sorry to see you in this situation. There is quite a bit to unpack there, but I will focus on three things:
1) your question on whether he is gay or bi
2) the matter of child sexual abuse
3) the matter of secrecy and the impact of it
First, is he bi or gay? On the face value your husband doesn't sound gay to me. In saying this, child sexual abuse can twist a lot in person's sexual development. Inherently gay person can experience so much mistrust and aversion to men as a result of the abuse, it can cloud their attraction to the same sex. Likewise, an inherently straight person can keep compulsively reenacting the traumatic incident through consensual sex in order to somehow normalize the trauma in their mind. Have you watched "Baby Reindeer"? Could be a good (though depressing) watch when you get to the abuse episode. Mind you, it was happening to an adult, it is far worse when people experience it in childhood. Another good resource is a book by psychotherapist Dr Joe Kort called "Is my husband Gay, Straight or Bi?". There are also cases, however, when people are in so much denial that they will retrospectively present consensual sex as abuse.
This brings me to my next point of the abuse (real or perceived). There is no way to know here whether it really happened and what impact it has on his sexuality, unless he goes into therapy, which he absolutely must do, particularly if the abuse was real. This is not a sign of weakness, it is a significant childhood trauma, and it needs to be addressed. Check, there might be government funding available for survivors. If you can't afford therapy, look for support groups in person or online. He needs to get help!
Last, but certainly not least, is the secrecy issue. These behaviors are far more damaging than him being gay or bi. Many bi and even gay husbands are able to open up to their spouses and meet all of their wives' needs, including sexual and emotional. I am one of those examples (together with my bi husband for 9 years, 8 months post-disclosure). Read about "secret sexual basements" and how this secrecy can sometimes equate to abuse:
If you were able to forgive him interacting with women and men online, you might be able to normalise it in your relationship, if this is what he needs and if you are ok with that. However, him doing it in secrecy is not doing either of you any favors.
I suggest, continue to ask him questions about his secretive behaviours - try and do it in loving and supportive way as much as you can. Keep encouraging him to seek help as an SA survivor. Hopefully, he might be able to open up and you can start rebuilding your marriage with more transparency and authenticity. Be prepared, however, for more serious disclosures than just online chats... If he continues to display the secretive behaviours, ask yourself whether you are ok living over his "secretive sexual basements" or whether it is too toxic for you. I think the question of whether he is gay, bi or straight becomes redundant at that stage.
Good luck. I am sending you all the love and strength! It can't be easy, but the Universe never sends us more than we can handle. You've got this!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Guess I just need support and advice *Trigger warning SA*
HelplessHousewife wrote:
Where would you even go from here, I am extremely confused about my own life right now. Apart of me just wants to ignore what he does and do my own thing but like can you even be happy like that.
It's a real Mindfuck right? As women and mothers we don't look for this and when we finally see it it's almost impossible to look away.
Many of us will have ignored it for too long. Most of us would have been better to leave our men as soon as we realized what this meant but as women that is not how we are. Tied by loyalty, emotions, codependence and tradition....and more often than not children....the decisions we ultimately make take longer. And that's okay because the straightspouse decision/situation is a Marathon not a Sprint.
If I had to give you one piece of advice it's to start seeing you and your autistic son as more important than the husband and father who doesn't seem to be able to be honest about who he is.
Elle
KIA KAHA