wow.  so sorry.  That blame shifting thing is so mean isn't if.  

Look it's a bit like being in the coils of a python - only going to keep getting worse til you fight your way free.   Then you can start to recover.

 

Today was my son's 8th birthday. 
She had a martial arts belt test today, so she was going to be tied up. I took him and our other kids to a museum and to see granparents a couple hours away. She got home sometime around 2, then left again with someone around 3 leaving her car. 
We made it back home around 8:30 or so and around 9 I hear a car door slam, then her car start, and she's taken off to go to some bar in a nearby larger city about 30 min away. Didn't bother to come in and wish her son a happy birthday, nothing.... just bailed. 

Unbelievable and unacceptable behavior on her part, just awful.  I'll be praying for you and your family, as well as your wife.

The sad thing is, she's been like this since he was, maybe 3. He doesn't know any different, it's only been less than a year and a half that I've really known why. 

So I know more about last night. 
She left here about 9 and went straight to a bar 30 min away where she stayed until a little after 1am. This isn't a "Gay" bar but is "LGBT friendly"... I don't know who with, but she'd been texting an ex-boyfriend of the witch girl she spends all her time with. I don't suspect him and her doing anything, but i don't know other then them all being a part of the same martial arts program. There's been another 2 guys she's texting, 1 is a physical trainer that follows her book IG and I can't find anything on the other. 
Anyway, she left that place and went to the usual gay bar a few blocks away where she stayed until past 3am. (gotta love dealer installed trackers), she didn't make it home till nearly 4am. 
This morning I was getting the kids ready for church and she walked in where I was and told me some story about how she'd gotten elbowed in the face at this event and broke her nose (yes, it was obviously messed up with black eyes). Then said the instructor stayed with her all night to make sure she didn't have a concussion... that's why she was out so late. 
Nevermind that she picked up her car and left at 9pm without saying anything, nor even texting to mention the injury, etc... just straight to a bar. This is constant, the BS stories she comes up with. 
I've got a couple work trips I gotta do, but after that, it's time. I'm so sick of this.... having to play dumb when it's so obvious. 

On top of all of this, had a PI scheduled for friday night when I expected her to go to the gay bar for the monthly lesbian dance party she's been going to... She went to a different one the night before, then went somewhere with her witch, friend. The PI said she never showed up, and she came home at 930pm.... Just to go do this the next day. I've thought it for awhile, but the only thing about her I can rely on, is that I can't rely on her... even in this. 

Today, when we got home from church, mind you, she still hadn't really had much interaction with my son, She dumped a bunch of toys on him for his birthday, she got her lunch, then went out to the car and had a phone conversation with witch girl for the next 3.5 hours. She did at least take him to an arcade for a couple hours while I and one of the others went to a church small group meeting. When we got back... out the door again saying she was going to "work out, then maybe see a movie" and she went straight to the theatre. 

 

In my opinion emotional control during the process is a huge strength.  If you give her an out where she doesn't feel judged or hated she may take less favorable terms.  If you make her mad she might lawyer up and dig her heels in.  The path I took was to be as kind as I could and forgiving, which matches with my Christian beliefs.  Every day it hurts and I forgive her.  I also pointed out I wanted to end things on good terms because that was what was best for the kids.  Regardless, I worked for favorable terms for myself and what was best for my children.  At the same time I wanted my future ex to be able to afford a nice house in a safe area for the kids and be financially stable so she could provide for them.  I made it known to her my intent and motives.  So far things have gone well. We're out about $750 total for the $250/hr mediation.

Last edited by Supernova (September 15, 2024 11:38 pm)