Hi Gwendolyn, thanks for sharing your experience. It’s  crazy to think about doing this when things are otherwise stable and friendly. I felt like I was the one tearing us apart when I starting putting up boundaries and I was lucky to have a friend remind me that me deciding to separate isn’t tearing us apart, it’s just the acknowlegement of the truth that has already torn us apart.
What did you tell your kids the reason was? I very much want to be honest with them right away but it might not be possible until later and I’m struggling with what we tell them. I’m afraid that they will make up reasons or blame themselves if they don’t know the actual reason. How has this gone for your family?

Eleanor

Hi there—I am glad you have a trusted friend. It wasn't until I confided in a person who knew both GID Ex and me that I was able to break free from the shame and guilt. My confidant genuinely loved both of us. She was influential to helping me take the steps to freedom. 

We both were present when we told the kids that we were separated and would eventually get a divorce. My oldest son asked why. We told him that Mom and Dad could no longer be married but would remain their parents. By then, the marriage settlement was complete, so we were able to tell them what would or would not change. Dad had already been living in a separate room for three years, so they were used to calling it Dad or  Momma's room. My 10-year-old daughter had the most questions, but I kept my answers focused on how sometimes moms and dads can no longer stay married, BUT we love being your parents! Unfortunately, we were not the first to get a divorce. They had friends who were divorced. Providing stability helped us to make the transition. It was harder for us than the kids. I still had to implement healthy boundaries and sit with what I wanted and HOW I wanted this co-parenting in the same household to look. The book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes has helped me set boundaries.  If your husband is not ready to own his sexuality, then I don't advise telling the kids about it. My GID Ex has only admitted to being bi-sexual, but he's clearly gay. He spends ALL of his free time at a  Married gay couple's house! However, it's not my place to OUT him. People have always seen it, and I was definitely the beard! We had a talk with the kids ONLY once we knew our new arrangements.  I also told the kids to ask questions anytime. I still have check-in sessions with my oldest son because he's a teenager and doesn't talk much.  I checked in a couple of weeks ago, and he's okay because not much has changed. One year later, my daughter asked if I had planned to date. I told her YES, but you have a Mom and Dad that love you :-). Since we decided to co-parent together, we didn't go back to tell the kids that we were officially divorced. They assumed it already happened. I've been informing others though lol - in fact - shouting it to the World lol! I have a life to live! There is no shame and guilt BECAUSE I was a good wife! He made the choice not to love me as a good husband! 

It has been a long 4 years to get here, but we took a family weekend trip in August. We all enjoyed it, too. I believe setting clear boundaries and expectations has helped us.  We still have hills to climb, but I'll take the small win now. I'm strategically working on my next hill.  I want to ask him when he plans to tell the kids that he's "bi-sexual", but I'll let the dust settle for a bit, lol! I have confided in my close friends and even my Pastor (he married us) of the REAL reason we got a divorce.  I can tell my truth to those I feel should know. That's ok! 

Take it day by day and figure out what you want! I am now in a great relationship! I'm so happy that I didn't sacrifice my happiness! 


 

OutofHisCloset - and it's ok to disagree. I shared my story and family dynamics.