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1 of 1- Pinklady
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Feels like competition
Does anyone else feel like the gay in denial spouse is trying to compete? I saw a thread where this was mentioned but it doesn’t seem to be a common red flag amongst the gay in denial men.
Mine seems to always compete with me.
I play a game with the kids - he has to play it better.
I buy the kids sweets from the shop - he then goes to the shop and buys “better” sweets.
I kiss the kids goodnight and tell them how wonderful they are - he started doing the same.
I ask my daughter if she wants me to play - he swoops in and takes my place.
I want to go on a ride with my daughter at the funfair - he takes over and jumps on aswell.
I clean the sofa - he cleans it “better”
I feel like he is almost BECOMING me.
He is stealing my mannerisms, my opinions, my likes and dislikes.
I actually asked him during an argument once “do you hate me that much or do you just want to BE me?!! You may aswell steal my soul aswell!”
Last edited by Pinklady (September 10, 2024 11:52 am)
- Blackie563
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Re: Feels like competition
I am not diagnosing, but it is a common tactic for people with NPD. I believe my ex has NPD (as classified by the DSM-V). She does the exact same thing and it cycles...meaning she will compete for a bit, then go back to demeaning me and talking shit about me to the kids, to mocking me, then to attempting to be nice and around the circle we go. Competition is common for those whose underlying fears is being inadequate.
Now, not everyone who competes or can never be wrong has NPD. They may just be a toxic person or a highly insecure person who does not know what to do, so they resort to doing what you do, but trying to one up. Either way, I found focusing on being consistent and even, no matter what. Try not to spend much time on things you can not control.
- Supernova
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Re: Feels like competition
It seems like the normal behavior of someone who is both somewhat insecure and not very introspective. I would imagine he views you as the standard by which his parenting is judged, and him doing a good job is to do a little better than you. Because people are fundamental lazy, he chooses elements that are most easily obtainable (like buying better sweets). He probably views you as the better parent and he is compensating.
If he's trying to emulate you, he will only ever be second best.
Last edited by Supernova (September 10, 2024 6:05 pm)
- Rob
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Re: Feels like competition
It sounds competitive yeah..but strangely like he doesn't know what to with them uniquely as a father...unsure of himself he emulating you ...to the point it's demeaning.
Another take is he's trying to become you to prove nothing you do is unique and he can do everything you do.. again to make himself feel more secure. Like he is afraid the kids will like you better. Strange insecurity that is hurtful but perhaps makes up for his guilt in his mind?
Wishing you strength and stoicism.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- lily
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Re: Feels like competition
female competition - he wants to be the better woman.
seems to come out a lot with the children. and food - my ex pretended he was the real cook behind the scenes and I was just taking credit for it.
I came out of that marriage saying it was like being henpecked by an industrial strength chicken,
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Feels like competition
I separated from A 18 months ago. I moved back to the city where 3 of my adult children live while he stayed in the city where the other one lived. Then he followed me after a few months. During those months he was on his own he told me that he knew it had been me that kept the communication going with the offspring and that he knew it was up to him to try harder. It was all I could do to sit on my hands and not react because throughout our long long time together as the mother I had been the nurturer, the centre, the warm heart while he had been the stable provider with a reserved, cool attitude towards emotions and the expression of them.
When he moved to the same city I had to make a concerted effort to NOT ask questions about his involvement with any of our/my family because that would have pulled me back into being who I used to be. We are separated, it was me who instigated it, and although it's a tricky/strange/often sad road I'm now having to get used to it...."them's the breaks".
I developed an ability to shut off any sad or inquisitive response to the triggering news that he had spent the day with our son and my grandson because if I let it get to me I'll just crumble.
(Way back earlier in our r'ship he would come home from work and often jump into doing stuff that wasn't necessary that made me feel like I should be "doing more" like housework.
I realise now that's a *me* issue not a *him* issue)
It'll be interesting one day, when your kids are older, if they recall how focussed on them he was. Or they simply might appreciate the time they had with him as much as the time they had with you.
I would concentrate on being the most awesome mother you can be.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery....even when the last thing a man wants to do is flatter you lol
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 11, 2024 2:44 pm)
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