It’s been two and a half years now since I discovered the secret life he had been leading. I still wake up in the night, as if I am learning  bad news all over again.  Sometimes it jolts me out of sleep like a nightmare but then I realize it’s real.  All those years, of not paying attention to my instincts, the times he came home and couldn’t make eye contact with me. All those uneasy feelings  that something was off and someone was not being totally honest with me. I wasn’t imagining it.  I have been journaling for the last couple of years.  I  arrived at this platform in the early days searching for something. I am still unclear what that may be.

I often wonder if I were the person sitting down listening to another recount my story would I actually be able to believe them. Because this journey can only be described as to hell and back. I am aware this is a public forum and so I am electing to be careful to share identifiable personal details. Which is interesting because this is a deeply personal experience because my former spouse chose not to identify himself.  

At the time of discovery, it was a twenty five year marriage. He had been acting more distant, indifferent, remote for sometime. I was uncomfortable trying to look at his phone which he was very protective of. I believe we all need some privacy. I found myself reviewing our phone account imagining this would reveal little. Be careful what you wish for. It was obliterating. I sat in shock, shaking, feeling nauseous, feint and at one point thought I was going to defecate myself. Something told me in that moment to print all one hundred and sixty pages of four thousand and five hundred text messages and pictures. It was only the most recent three months. He was in a sexual relationship with another male. He was also dressing in what would be considered female attire. Not only this deep sense of betrayal of your spouse being unfaithful but also learning there are so many other layers to his infidelity. When someone chooses to hide parts of themselves from those they are in intimate relationship with; everything becomes a question mark. Withholding the truth is withholding love.  

I would like to be able to tell you it was in these moments my former spouse was deeply remorseful, became vulnerable and we were able to navigate a way through this unimaginable place I found myself in but you have probably already been lied to more than you care to know, so I am going to be honest with you.  Honesty is all I have left. When I confronted him; he denied everything not knowing what I already knew. I suggested he stop lying he as he was embarrassing himself. It’s curious to sit and watch someone look at you straight in the eye and blatantly lie. This in itself revealed so much to me. It didn’t appear difficult for him. He had a lot of practice. I don’t recall everything that night. I do recall him leaping towards his phone and leaving the room. I recall him looking at me surprised that I had in fact found out. I recall  telling him he would never share a bed with me ever again and  he would have to sleep on the sofa or in another bedroom that night. I do recall he left for work the next morning without saying a word. The second evening he was waiting for me on the sofa. My day was a blur, a therapy appointment, meeting with a girlfriend, a blur. He was already in strategy mode. I reminded myself to remain calm and shock has a way of protecting you. As I began to talk with him about the need for space between us, he became defensive stating he had no intention of leaving. I then became aware he was actively recording me with his phone balanced on his leg. It was incredible. Three times I requested he stop recording me expressing I was not comfortable continuing a conversation and he ignored me. I finally stood up and walked towards his phone to reach for it and he stood up abruptly and pushed me hard down onto the wooden floor. My head was inches from the glass doors. I sat up dazed and he was standing over me still recording me. I suggested I call the police and he agreed. I then realized he had been drinking and he wanted things to escalate. I removed myself from the room and prayed he didn’t follow me. Our son was upstairs in his bedroom. I now believe it was my son’s presence within the home that evening that potentially saved my life.  

He was consulting with attorneys. Would come home and question me about what my intentions were. Suddenly he became very interested in what I was feeling. At one point, he sat at the kitchen table and asked me if I would give him another chance.  I looked up at him and said “I would go insane”. He did suggest if I hire my own attorney he would no longer have a business. I had helped him with his business admin for sixteen years. I had pictures of the bruising on my breasts and my attorneys suggested we take out a restraining order. He still refused to leave even when the police were standing at the front door. He liked hiding. He had been doing it along time. Hiding from himself. Four months later he finally left one morning.Took all the cash from our home. I later learned he had taken my jewelry too. Wedding rings, both from my first marriage where I was widowed young and our rings, a family necklace given to me by my late father. I never saw him for over two years until trial. He initially had some contact with our son but our son has pulled away. He hasn’t seen our daughter for  almost three years now.  I know she reached out to him and he didn’t respond to her.  I know our son who was seventeen years old at the time took it upon himself to ask questions to his father who became almost child like. A father whom they had both loved deeply became a stranger overnight. Once my former spouse knew his game was up; we no longer served a function for him. That is the stark reality.

My former spouse is supposedly still in denial about his sexuality although I know definitely continues it. I don’t care who he thinks he is, who he might be, who he wants to become, I dont care that he doesn’t know or have the courage to own it. That is his journey. What I care about is our children. I care that he knowingly invited me on a journey of marriage, creating a family and a life together. That I believe he entered into that marriage with me knowing there were parts of him he had never discussed with me. He took us all on this journey with him.  He broke our hearts.  He blew up our world. He I now realize was lying to me our entire marriage. Not only stealing the future but the past. He potentially exposed me to HIV as we never used protection.

There are many legal issues I am now facing because of our divorce. I am being forced to sell our only home. I have no career. I was a stay at home mother.  He has been strategizing with his attorneys for a couple of years now.  Refusing to produce documents.  He is basically leaving me homeless and penniless. My attorneys withdrew from representation two months before trial. I had to go to trial and represent myself.  I wasn’t angry in the beginning because I was so deeply wounded and traumatized. I lost thirty pounds in three months. Some days I can feel anger. It is still mostly disbelief. Not simply for his deception but his response to his family throughout this process.  On a good day I wake up have gratitude for no longer being in a toxic relationship with a very unhealthy individual. They are master manipulators, gas lighters, charmers. They live in alternate worlds. There is a direct connection between narcissism and men in denial about their sexuality.  I am grateful for two beautiful adult children that I have grown even closer with. We all still struggle emotionally. I cannot pretend that we are forever changed by his deception. On a  good day I realize someone took me on their journey because of their insecurities and I was not in control of that. On a good day I remember who I was before I met him. On a good day I remember everything I am and gave was real for me. On a good day I remember I have had the privilege of knowing who I am, I can be honest with myself and others and be vulnerable. On a good day, I realize I am not alone in this kind of experience as sad as that makes me feel. On a good day I am relieved youth today I pray have more space to explore  who they are and will be able to be honest with themselves and others. On a good day I am grateful to be alive despite being deeply wounded. On a good day I trust in time I will help others through this pain. On a good day I trust my instincts. On a  good day I hold my children close. On a good day I remember he cannot change who I am or the mother I have the privilege of being.

If you have taken the time to read my experience please acknowledge that this belongs to me.  And while I would honor everyone’s experience is unique I do see patterns of behavior. If you have doubts, listen to them. If they are unwilling to talk with you maybe that is another red flag.  Try not to focus on them. Practice self care, self love. Find healing in nature. Journal. Take time to heal as best you can. Protect yourself and especially your children. Once discovered or they come out they cast you aside. They are ruthless and callous. And remember they were always further ahead then you in this process. They were already disrespecting you, dishonoring  your vows, disregarding the impact on their children. They are center stage for them. It is a fact.

What I have come to realize my ex spouse is trying to punish me for telling the truth. Something he never felt able to do. For me refusing to hide in the closet with him and lie to our children. Trying to hurt me materialistically because I discovered his secret. He accepts no accountability for his choices. He doesn’t act like a man who loved his wife and children. We were just part of a facade so he could live out these other desires in private. To be wounded by someone you love is one thing, to realize your whole life was a house of cards, quite another.  To witness the pain, sadness, anger, disbelief of your children, quite another. In fact, if only I had known he was always …..quietly another. 

Last edited by Deleted (September 8, 2024 12:34 pm)