*hugs* you have come to the right place. This forum helped me get through some really dark times.

Your story is similar in many ways to my own. I was married/together for close to 20 years. We were in the process of adopting a baby. I made so many sacrifices in the marriage for him.

He blind sided me with "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you" one Saturday morning. Then he waltzed out of "our" life and left me with the shards of our life together for me to clean up. He told me he only figured it out 2 weeks before telling me (I can now say this was a lie - or "trickle truthing" as they say).

I can confirm - you will get through this. 

Unfortunately, it is going to be an incredibly difficult road to get there. You have to walk through the storm in order to get to the other side.

I recommend that you not make any major decisions at this point - you are in shock and just suffered a major betrayal trauma. It will come in waves. And new realizations of just what happened over the years will come out slowly. For myself - all the years of lies, gaslighting and abuse came to light long after they had actually occurred - because hindsight is 20/20 sadly.

No one should have to go through this pain and no one deserves this.

Take it one day at a time. And focus on doing small self care tasks each day. Get a therapist (not a couples therapist and not one who is LGBTQ friendly - this needs to be all about YOU and no one else). Do not sign anything. Talk to a lawyer about putting in ways to protect yourself during this process. Open your own bank account and transfer half of any shared funds into it. Get up to date on your financials and start looking at what options you have. Reach out to family and friends (and don't worry about "outing" him or anything, this is your story and you are free to share it). Set up a good support network.

And most importantly. Just keep on breathing. One step at a time.

Thank you both. I've reached out to our employee assistance service for both therapy and divorce lawyer recs.

I'm making an appointment Monday with my primary care Dr

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's a difficult situation to navigate. I had the "slow dribble" disclosure of "bi first, then gay" - not sure if that is better or worse than the flood of being told he's gay/wants divorce in one sitting. 

You will make it through this, even though there will be days it will feel like you won't.

Anon 765

Hugs to you Tired Mom!  This was my haven during the worst of my divorce from my GIDXH now 8 years ago.  Writing here helped me.  

I love broomhilda's suggestions - be ruthlessly selfish and look out for YOU.  This is so traumatic. 

And remember -  He is not looking out for you and this new revelation is NOT new to him.  Most likely he has had some experience to confirm his decision to reveal this to you.  Suppression is what I thought my GIDX was doing, but no he was active for most of our marriage.  I hope this is not the case for you, but please protect yourself first and the kids and be circumspect with him and distance yourself as much as you can while remaining respectful.  The surges of emotion and sympathy you have for him and the sadness intermingle in such painful ways....or at least that was my experience, but I what I wish I would have been able to see clearly that this is not a revelation that just comes up..... there may be fire, in fact I'd almost guarantee there is infidelity.  My ex did not disclose the extent of his experimentation til late in the divorce process and I mediated with him which was a mistake.  I should have been more interested in getting a better settlement now that I am dealing with the financial implications as I near retirement.  Be your best advocate and find as many friends and professionals as you need to help you thru this turbulence - it will end and it will be hard, but you got this sister! 

Last edited by Leah (September 25, 2024 4:38 pm)