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1 of 1- bc_08
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Navigating this with young children
My discovery happened last December (the undeniable truth occurring on Christmas morning). It's been a very long and extremely painful 8 months. I was completely blindsided. The heavy trauma of continued discovery while really hoping that our family was salvageable went on for about 6 weeks. In hindsight, all I really was fighting against was the unavoidable loss of time with my little girls (4 and 2) upon the inevitable divorce. I still can't really wrap my head around having them half of the time and feeling like the kind of dad that I want to be for them has been stolen from me.
I started therapy immediately but the months that followed were as bad as I could have imagined. Therapy was like getting a tiny breath of air and then being underwater until the next session. I was notified of this site about a month ago, and I'm looking forward to joining group Zooms soon. I have really appreciated the Podcast and the thoughtful forum posts, as well. I'm very grateful to have found this resource and add it to my recovery toolkit. The weight of the problem hasn't changed, but it's helpful to see how those in similar places have made it to the other side. I'm doing a little better.
There's been really upsetting blame shifting from her and her family, and their accusations that I somehow aided this, is so incredibly painful (despite knowing logically how untrue it is). One thing that's hard is that I keep seeing on this site how healthy it is to distance oneself from the (in my case soon to be) ex. With very young children, I am struggling with how to best accomplish this. I know I need to prioritize myself but my daughters will always come first to me. We still live together for the short-term, which will change upon the finalization of the legal side, but the triggers are constant. Feeling forever tethered to someone who would cause so much pain is causing me a lot of anxiety.
If anyone has experience with navigating this with close ties demanded by little ones, I would sincerely appreciate it. All my best to everyone on here.
- Anon2222
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Re: Navigating this with young children
I do not have kids, but I just wanted to welcome you to the forum and empathize.
The most hurtful part of this whole experience, for myself, was the blame shifting. It's been quite the de-humanizing experience to be villainized for something I had no part of. And it has been incredibly difficult to have someone I was deeply in love with treat me like trash. As much as we can logically agree that it is definitely their problem, we are all human, and it really does hurt.
As you are still living in the same space, it will help immensely when you are able to move to your own space, where you can set it up the way you want and make it your own. Also, view this as an airplane emergency situation - put your oxygen mask on first. You cannot be there for your kids, if you are not taking care of yourself. It's not selfish, or prioritizing yourself over your kids, it's being a good dad.
Learning how to separate emotionally, when you can't physically, is a difficult process, but you got this! And share on the forum as much as you need to, the similarities between stories is kind of mind boggling.
- Blackie563
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Re: Navigating this with young children
bc - welcome, but also sorry you are in the situation. Been there and to some degree, still am because I too, have 3 kids. One is in college now, but still have 2 more to go. A few tips that helped me immensely.
While still living in the same house, I would buy myself small things that I would need for my new house. This helped bridge the gap because my then current situation and that I would soon be on my own. I bought a kitchen knife set, bed sheets, a new desk. Seems silly, but every bit helped.
Second, I did not do this immediately, but eventually cut off her entire family. This is extreme I realize, but it was absolutely necessary for my recovery and to give me prospective. Upon reflection, despite their affirming words, their actions did not match up. (Just like their daughter). To this day (post 2 years now) I don't miss them (the family) or her, because there wasnt anything to miss. I thought there was, but that was an illusion.
Lastly, the kids. I still struggle here, although my kids are older. The best advice I can offer, be consistent, calm, be the peace that your kids will need. I don't know your situation, but surmise they may not experience that with their mother. I show up for my kids, answer their questions and try to keep them out of the middle, even when my ex directly puts them in it. Hardest part is that for sure.
Hang in there, take it a day at a time. It does get better. You are doing the right things, I did it all. Therapy, DivorceCare support group, exercise, friends. Slowly, I have learned its ok to be happy. You will too. Hang in there!
- bc_08
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Re: Navigating this with young children
Thank you both for your thoughtful responses and for your support. Very helpful and very much appreciated!
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Navigating this with young children
Distance I guess is a descriptive or strong word. I like to think of it as she has forfeited the rights and privileges to my time, talents, and most importantly; strong fierce love and loyalty. Its not that I dont want to give it...its that she has rejected it. After we divorced in the beginning she had to learn I could not do the same things for her as I would for my kids.. It is sad but it was not of our making.. As an example. my kids text me... they get an instantaneous reply.. priority access, business class. My GX texts me,.. unless its an emergency , she gets... crickets...delayed response.. low priority, throttled access. They cannot cheat and hurt and then expect all the benefits of marriage to a loyal spouse. The kids...they did nothing wrong... they get all I can give as they always have.
Last edited by Rob (August 8, 2024 11:59 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7