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1 of 1- Nantucket1931
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Are these red flags
I have been with my partner 11 years. Im female he is male.We were early twenties when we met. Our sex life was very normal for the first few years, aside from difficulty maintaining elections ( however I thought this was due to being inexperienced and possibly nervous). We stopped having sex as much due to my chronic illness. It didn't seem to affect him at first, however over the years he would mention how he watches too much porn and we don't have sex enough. He would always seem very stressed by how "unhealthy" he thought porn was. I'm not sure what kind and really how often he was using it. I always assumed the shame came from religious background.
In the last year things have really started to change. He started taking testosterone due to depression and low mood/libido. Keep in mind I wasn't wanting sex due to health, however when we would he wouldn't seem to have any issues performing. I was against testosterone however eventually accepted it.
Second thing I found one day in the garbage was cialis ( election medication). We hadn't really been having sex. He told me he was using it as pre workout.
He was always at the gym. Almost 7 days a week. On weekends at the same time for 2 sometimes three hours. He would not change his routine even though I would ask him to hang out with me in the morning.he would get very annoyed If he had to miss it.
He started showering BEFORe the gym and from what I can tell shaving his balls. Always getting very defensive when I ask him about it.
I know he really likes texting and talking to a few guys from his gym. He really only sees them and not his long time friends. He's always talking about men. Never women. He talks about his gym friends with his family even and he knows alot about a couple of them.
He's always giddy texting one of them.
He started acting distant to me while still checking all the boxes. I feel he no longer cares about my opinion. He's so self obsessed and focused only on his image now.i feel he resents me. He says he can't be himself with me, That I don't understand him. He talks occasionally of a crisis and a void but claims it's to do with work. I asked him a couple questions relating to the gym guys and his response was " omg do you think I'm gay" I said I dont know. He said " he's super straight". He then never brought up the convo again which was suspicious.
Anyways are these actually red flags ?
- Daryl
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Re: Are these red flags
Unfortunately, I'd say yes. In my opinion the flags are flying high.
Although erectile dysfunction can happen to anyone, and is not always a red flag, who is he taking the Cialis for? Long absences at the gym, the extra showering, the body grooming, the giddy texting to gym 'pals'. I believe you are correct in finding his behaviour suspicious. It sounds like there's a secret life.
Do you have access to his phone? I'm going to guess no. And I'm not suggesting you should snoop. Only you can decide what you want to do here. Only you can decide what you want and what sort of treatment you will accept.
I expect others here will have some valuable insights or advice on this subject.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Are these red flags
Nantucket1931 wrote:
.
Anyways are these actually red flags ?
Yes
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Norah
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Re: Are these red flags
Nantucket, I understand your bewilderment wondering if these behaviors are red flags, as I did in the beginning of mine. Sudden changes like excessive showering, manscapring, obsession with certain friends, giddiness with texting, acting distant in your relationship, defensiveness with asking questions and blaming you for lack of sexual relations and need to watch porn that he abhors. Mine also had difficulty with maintaining erections, had secretively started watching porn, and started manscaping all his bodily hair except his scalp, obtained an Rx of Viagra. It’s like a playbook for the non straight spouse on the prowl.
Was he tested for a low blood level for testosterone to justify use? And how naive does he think you are, saying that Cialis is given for a pre-workout, unless the ‘work out’ is of sexual nature. Unless he is self diagnosing and taking these meds for off label use.
One way that I checked on phone usage was by checking the online phone bill, which opened my eyes and did not realize the scope of his secret life.
Yes, sudden behavior changes are suspicious.