I had a bit of a gamut of emotions when my former "husband" came out as "bi". I was hurt by the fact that he had known for a long period of time and had not told me. That was the part that hurt. But, after the initial shock wore off - I too thought we were building a stronger marriage than we had before.

When he made this initial announcement I offered him time. I asked that he go to therapy and figure out what this meant and what he wanted in life. I said to take all the time he needed, and only recommit to the marriage if that was what he truly wanted.

I saw an LGBTQ therapist and discussed the difficulties in coming out late in life. I did everything in my power to support him. I also laid out my own boundaries. I said my biggest fear in all of this is that he would wake up years later, decide he was actually gay, and leave. I said that if he did this to me, he would destroy me as a person.

So, I asked him to do everything in his power to figure out what he wanted. That I was not holding him in a marriage, that we could split at that point amicably and go our separate ways. He begged me to stay married. Stated nothing had changed, he wanted to grow old with me, that he loved me more than anything.

I was hesitant because of the fact that he had lied and blind sided me in the first place. So, I said my only condition of staying (and I would put 100% into the marriage) is if he ever had questions, thoughts, feelings, anything what so ever, or any questions still about his sexuality that he would talk to me about it. It would not be a complete blind siding.

For 3 years, I asked him about things. I asked him if he was still having any questions or unsurety. He assured me no. I even asked him a few times if he felt he may be gay and not bi, and checked in often because his behaviour just seemed a bit off.

In the end, I lost myself. I sacrificed a lot in those years. He asked a lot of me. I worked my ass off and committed to the relationship. I loved him. And he lied.

Turns out, the only reason he didn't come out years ago was because he wasn't ready. If we had divorced years ago, I would have been fine. I had a great job, I could have bought my own place, and moved on with my life. In those years, he manipulated me so that over time everything stacked in his favour. And, in the end I got fucking screwed.

I got zero heads up. I was drinking a cup of coffee one Saturday morning and he walked up to me and said "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you" and then just refused to speak to me again. I got ghosted by my husband of almost 20 years. Then came 2 years of a living hell.

He drained the accounts and left me with about $50. Dumped a half renovated house in the middle of no where (that he convinced me to move to because it would "benefit me") on me to finish, with a job that I couldn't live on, and "our" pets, the youngest one we had had together for over 8 years and he readily agreed to all of them.

There is nothing quite like the abuse of having your own spouse to refuse to acknowledge you as a person. I had to untangle our lives.....by myself. Because he would not communicate in any way. he would not help with anything, answer any questions (even about accounts that were primarily in his name and he had all the info). And he would not pay for anything what so ever.

And yet....somehow it took me over a year to finally stop making excuses for him. To stop being nice. To finally get angry. Looking back on it....it was truly fucked up that I was such a bloody nice person.

Recently he screamed in my face that I am not worthy of respect and that I never once supported him. And the even more messed up thing is that, for a moment, I worried that somehow I was an awful person somewhere along the way...in the divorce paperwork he claimed that the divorce was a mutual decision and that everything he had done was done with empathy and for my own good,

I have never hated anyone in my life. And I finally understand what hatred is. I hate that man more than words will ever be able to express. And I don't feel one iota guilty about it anymore.

I envy those who can part amicably. Who had communication, whose spouse actually gave a crap about them. I tried so fucking hard to make this all as amicable as possible. And for that I lost a lot of people in my life that I thought were my friends/family. I got financially ruined. I lost everything in my life that I had ever loved. And I have had an endless supply of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse.  And I'm still trying to divorce the man who demanded a divorce over 2 years ago.

This whole thing is a long road. Everyone has a different story but I can say that pretty much everyone I have seen that ended up on this site initially is supportive, asking questions, trying to do their best and support their questioning spouse. Usually they are going above and beyond to not be angry, or they genuinely aren't angry at first. Sadly, I have seen so many people come and go and few end up parting amicably. It just is what it is. I'm assuming those who don't encounter issues are not finding support on the internet, or are looking at different sites.

I wish you the best. Just make sure to take the time to figure out what you want in this process and make sure you are treated fairly as well.

I have found that my feelings about and understanding of the situation evolved with time, based on my ex-husband's behaviour and some excellent therapy. We tried the amicable live-together route as well, but once I thought more about what I wanted, I realized that this could never work for me, and it was denying both of us a chance to move on. 

The most important thing for me was to realize that his words and his actions were often at odds, and had been over the decades of marriage. In the great words of Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them.". I payed more attention to the words than the actions, and it took me a lot of time to realize that.

It's definitely grief, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Be well, and definitely put yourself and your well-being first!