I (47M) am married to a wonderful woman (41F). We've been together for 15 years, and married for 13. We have 4 kids together and until very recently had a happy and stable relationship. Our sex life had slowed after our fourth kid to a trickle. I brought it up a few times but she always seemed uncomfortable talking about it so I never pushed.

Fast forward (or maybe rewind?) to about a month ago. She's been spending a lot of time with a friend group of 2 women, one of which is gay. One Friday she goes out drinking with them, while I'm just having a bad day working from home. I'm managing all the kid stuff and around 7pm i see her just fawning and throwing her affection all over this gay woman. I blow up like I never have before accusing her of having an affair with this woman thinking that saying something that ridiculous might snap her out of it. Huge fight ensues. A week later I ask again if she's trying to have an affair because I see more of the same, but I'm just getting gaslit with her responses.

I mean, things have gotten really bad...wife is texting nonstop with her gay friend, and even doing it when out to dinner with her friends (who are not mine). Finally after that night she tells me that she's never been attracted to men. The sex we had was always for my benefit, and looking back she nearly always acted as if she'd rather be doing anything else. So she says she is gay and is really attracted to this gay friend of hers. She doesn't realize she's having an emotional affair at best, but probably something more. She says that nothing has happened, and that she'd never cheat on me and I'm the most important person in her world.

And so now that she has told me she is gay, but doesn't want to tell anyone else and wants to stay married to me, yet also pursue this extramarital same sex relationship, I'm extremely conflicted. I want her to be comfortable in her skin and fulfilled and complete instead of having to ignore this side of her. But I also married a monogamous hetero woman who wanted to create a family with me and grow old and retire and travel the world together.

I don't think the two realities can coexist, and that scares me into thinking that our marriage, our relationship could be coming to an end (haven't even thought of how it might affect the kids).

But that's why I'm here; hoping I can learn some strategies and/or more about a MOM to see if we can survive this.

Thanks for reading; it was mildly therapeutic just to post it.