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1 of 1- lala1324
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Is my partner Bi, gay or straight? Or is is sexual trauma
Hi,
I am a straight female and my male partner and I have been together roughly 6 yrs. We share a child together as well. Around a year ago, I discovered gay porn on his phone, and his amazon purchases shown that he bought "dildos" throughout the years we had been together. He has hidden them from the duration of our relationship. When I found one while cleaning, he said he was interested in prostate orgasms. Around last summer, I discovered he was engaging in emotional and physical cheating. First, He subscribed to an Only fans account of a girl who looked very similar to me. Whatever, I was hurt and we discussed it, and he said it wouldn't happen again. Well, a few months after, he went on reddit to solicit meet ups with other women. At the same time, he was going on KIK and engaging in M4M forums (posting D pics, having sexual conversations with other dudes ect) He actually met up twice with a dude at a glory hole to recieve oral.
Recently he disclosed he has a history of male sexual abuse and that he doesn't feel "gay" but sometimes has an urge to have oral sex with men. He says he pushes these feelings aside because it's not healthy for him. The nature of his abuse consisted of giving and receiving oral sex from a older male perpetrator. He says he's not attracted to the entire body of a male and is grossed out my men in that way, but is attracted to the phallus only. He disclosed he was Bi-sexual after I found out about all of this, but then took it back as he really doesn't feel attraction to men. Very confusing. I am wondering if anyone has had a similar situation, thoughts, or input. I want to add this has been devestating and I am going through my own healing process with therapy. Our realtionship obviously isn't great right now and I am on the verge of seperation. I appreaciate any feedback.
Thank you!! 
Last edited by lala1324 (July 9, 2024 6:37 pm)
- Alex1984
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Re: Is my partner Bi, gay or straight? Or is is sexual trauma
Trauma can really mess up someone's brain, so unfortunately, until he works through it, you will not know whether he is bi, gay or straight and simply reenacting the trauma.
My husband went through a very similar experience with a much older man in a position of authority.
I really recommend you read Joe Kort's book "Is my husband straight, gay or bi" and subscribe to his Instagram account. It will give you a very comprehensive idea of what if could be, but unfortunately, won't give any idea of what it is. He could be inherently straight and just be reenacting the trauma with a more positive outcome. He could be inherently gay and just have this mistrust to men and see most of them as perpetrators, or he could be bi.
Investigate what funding might be available to pay for therapy for child abuse survivor. We live in New Zealand and my husband's therapy is now fully funded.
This is a very tough situation and I really feel for you! Stay strong and take care of each other.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Is my partner Bi, gay or straight? Or is is sexual trauma
Lala....you've found/discovered/he's admitted and handed to you all the reasons you need to really think about your r'ship and whether it has value.
Is your therapy for you, or does it focus on him as well? Because you need autonomy in your decision-making about your life, not his.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Is my partner Bi, gay or straight? Or is is sexual trauma
He sounds like he is gay in denial to me. That's what my ex is. I think it's quite common to have a similar nice straight woman 'waiting in the wings' - mine certainly did. I think he likes having a back up in the same way as I will stock household items.
He wasn't trapped in a marriage, I didn't make him happy but being married to me was what he wanted - it was his closet by design.
I think his interest in dildos gay porn and glory holes says a whole lot about his sexual orientation doesn't it?
- Malex
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Re: Is my partner Bi, gay or straight? Or is is sexual trauma
My ex boyfriend cheated on me 3 months into our relationship with a Transexual. Then 5 years into our relationship he told me he was bi. For some reason- he thought that a 'transexual' would make him less gay. But I believe what he likes is "penis'. Him and I had great sex (or so I thought) but the gay/bisexual/trans thing never went away. He once forgot I had his location and he was at a gay hotel. Then two years later I saw video of him and a man. HE started dating another girl, and 1.5 months later, she was snooping and found videos of him performing oral sex on a man. By the time she saw that, he had gotten her pregnant. While he was already with her and baby on the way, I saw him once and got curious and checked his messages (Call me crazy I know ) he had messaged. a transexual. He looks super MANLY and always claims he is not gay and that he just likes to 'suck guys dxxx". BUT I am telling you this because i don't think that goes away. When I found out that he sleeps with men, I would only sleep with him with a condom, but in reality, this is not a way to live with someone you love. Mine was very narcissistic, an alcoholic but i do think he loved me. Although mental and verbal abuse was always present in the 8 year relationship. In any case- my personal opinion is that he (and many in this situation)are closeted gay who cannot come to terms with not having the story of "him, the wife, and kid".. But at his core, I would say he is gay and that is just the way he was born.