K_926: I am in your shoes, have been in your shoes for a very long time, and I have a thought for you. Be nicer to yourself. They aren’t “toxic” coping skills. They are coping skills. Adaptive in response to not being treated well by the person who is supposed to be he one you can count on most - now *that* is toxic.

Pink recently wrote: Has anybody here experienced their partner opening up to them about a sexual experience with the same sex and called it sexual assault? I’m still trying to work out if my partner is gay - I know a lot of you guys here have said it’s clearly undeniable and that I have a mountain of evidence. But could someone be THAT* psychopathic to actually make up a scenario that would make people believe they could be gay, when in fact they were out cheating with the opposite sex. I’m not sure if that question even makes sense. My story is in the topics to better understand my situation. It’s been almost two years and I still cannot wrap my head around what’s happened and how my relationship has hit a wall. I’m so lonely, tired and sad I just need answers.

Thank you for writing Pink, although I'm so sorry you're still here my friend. Here is what you wrote during our first exchange: 

When he [husband] got back from the sauna, he told me he had just been sexually assaulted by a man in the sauna. Him and said man had a good “manly” chat. Seemed like a nice guy didn’t seem gay. Man offered him a massage and my partner agreed. Partner says in sauna all men go naked and he didn’t wanna look like a boy by keeping his trunks on. So he lied down on the massage bed naked. The man gave him a great massage but then proceeded to brush his dick a few times before moving near to his anus. My partner said he froze and couldn’t speak. After that he went for a swim. Then when he got home had a bath because he felt sick from th man’s hands being on him but didn’t wanna report him because they can’t do anything about it anyway. Pleaded with me not to tell anybody. Because they might think he’s gay. At this point I didn’t believe him because I thought he’d only made this story up because... I thought he’d been with a prostitute and the sauna was a cover story. Before he got in the bath he took his bag upstairs (containing towel, trunks, sliders) was in the bathroom a while with the tap running then came downstairs and he said he wanted to throw away his trunks because he didn’t wanna be reminded of what happened at the sauna. While he was in the bath I check his trunks and they had semen in them. Just a bit but it was definitely semen. I haven’t told him this bit.

In response to your question: 

But could someone be THAT* psychopathic to actually make up a scenario that would make people believe they could be gay, when in fact they were out cheating with the opposite sex.

Unlikely, but possible. The most common scenario for gay-in-denial (GID) men is to frame their first gay sexual experience(s) as some form of assault. I believe it's part of their continued denial that they want to have sex with men. Here are the most common examples: 

1. He says: I was molested by my young neighbour. He was two years older than me.
Reality: I had consensual sexual play with my (male) neighbour but am so ashamed that I've convinced myself I didn't consent. 

2. He says: In college, I was drugged and r*ped in a gay bar. 
Reality: He nervously went to some college gay bar, got drunk, then fooled around with some guy in a bathroom stall.  

3. He says: I went to a sauna to relax. While there, a man gave me a massage then sexually assaulted me. 
Reality: He consented to the massage and sex, but then framed it as sexual assault to deny it was consensual. 

Please keep in mind that I'm not denying sexual assault happens, is rightfully illegal, and is barbaric. But these troubled men often take a kernel of truth, namely that he consensually did something sexual with another man, and then spin the narrative that they were somehow "overpowered." As I've said to many straight spouses in the past, what exactly was he doing in the gay bar, gay sauna, or at the gay cruising park? And as I gay man who has frequented all of these places, gay men go to gay spaces to have consensual sex with other men...not to commit  crimes. Hell 99% of the men I meet in these spaces are so nervous, they'd run if I said "boo." So when a gay-in-denial man claims, "I was [insert crime here]" it's normally bullsh*t. 

I hope that helps Pink. Feel free to reply. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (July 2, 2024 5:55 am)

Thank you for the update Gwen. I'm so sorry the divorce took so long my friend but am thrilled you're now free. Best of luck! 

Sean01 wrote:

Pink recently wrote: Has anybody here experienced their partner opening up to them about a sexual experience with the same sex and called it sexual assault? I’m still trying to work out if my partner is gay - I know a lot of you guys here have said it’s clearly undeniable and that I have a mountain of evidence. But could someone be THAT* psychopathic to actually make up a scenario that would make people believe they could be gay, when in fact they were out cheating with the opposite sex. I’m not sure if that question even makes sense. My story is in the topics to better understand my situation. It’s been almost two years and I still cannot wrap my head around what’s happened and how my relationship has hit a wall. I’m so lonely, tired and sad I just need answers.

Thank you for writing Pink, although I'm so sorry you're still here my friend. Here is what you wrote during our first exchange: 

When he [husband] got back from the sauna, he told me he had just been sexually assaulted by a man in the sauna. Him and said man had a good “manly” chat. Seemed like a nice guy didn’t seem gay. Man offered him a massage and my partner agreed. Partner says in sauna all men go naked and he didn’t wanna look like a boy by keeping his trunks on. So he lied down on the massage bed naked. The man gave him a great massage but then proceeded to brush his dick a few times before moving near to his anus. My partner said he froze and couldn’t speak. After that he went for a swim. Then when he got home had a bath because he felt sick from th man’s hands being on him but didn’t wanna report him because they can’t do anything about it anyway. Pleaded with me not to tell anybody. Because they might think he’s gay. At this point I didn’t believe him because I thought he’d only made this story up because... I thought he’d been with a prostitute and the sauna was a cover story. Before he got in the bath he took his bag upstairs (containing towel, trunks, sliders) was in the bathroom a while with the tap running then came downstairs and he said he wanted to throw away his trunks because he didn’t wanna be reminded of what happened at the sauna. While he was in the bath I check his trunks and they had semen in them. Just a bit but it was definitely semen. I haven’t told him this bit.

In response to your question: 

But could someone be THAT* psychopathic to actually make up a scenario that would make people believe they could be gay, when in fact they were out cheating with the opposite sex.

Unlikely, but possible. The most common scenario for gay-in-denial (GID) men is to frame their first gay sexual experience(s) as some form of assault. I believe it's part of their continued denial that they want to have sex with men. Here are the most common examples: 

1. He says: I was molested by my young neighbour. He was two years older than me.
Reality: I had consensual sexual play with my (male) neighbour but am so ashamed that I've convinced myself I didn't consent. 

2. He says: In college, I was drugged and r*ped in a gay bar. 
Reality: He nervously went to some college gay bar, got drunk, then fooled around with some guy in a bathroom stall.  

3. He says: I went to a sauna to relax. While there, a man gave me a massage then sexually assaulted me. 
Reality: He consented to the massage and sex, but then framed it as sexual assault to deny it was consensual. 

Please keep in mind that I'm not denying sexual assault happens, is rightfully illegal, and is barbaric. But these troubled men often take a kernel of truth, namely that he consensually did something sexual with another man, and then spin the narrative that they were somehow "overpowered." As I've said to many straight spouses in the past, what exactly was he doing in the gay bar, gay sauna, or at the gay cruising park? And as I gay man who has frequented all of these places, gay men go to gay spaces to have consensual sex with other men...not to commit  crimes. Hell 99% of the men I meet in these spaces are so nervous, they'd run if I said "boo." So when a gay-in-denial man claims, "I was [insert crime here]" it's normally bullsh*t. 

I hope that helps Pink. Feel free to reply. Be well! 

Thank you Sean. As always your comment has been a big help. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - he framed his first gay sexual experience as assault. He really speaks horribly of homosexual people. It’s actually hard for me to listen to because I have a lesbian cousin, she has been out since age 14 and has lived a true honest life, although it hasn’t been easy for her. He really has a bitter disliking towards her. He once said something along the lines of how people could either be a little bit gay or *really* gay. What’s your take on this comment? I thought maybe he was referring to bisexuality.

Thank you for writing Pink and Ordinary guy. In reply: 

1. Thank you Sean. As always your comment has been a big help. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - he [husband] framed his first gay sexual experience as assault.

Gay men like me who marry women are often programmed - by our churches, families, or communities - to see sex between men as dirty/sinful. This type of programming, which I often refer to as my own "Windows 95" is very hard to update. As such, the first consensual homosexual experience is often terrifying to the point that he reverse engineers it into something non-consensual. So sexual play between two boys becomes, "My neighbour r*ped me." Or college-aged trips to gay spaces become "I was drugged and sexually assaulted in a gay bar." So what is the straight spouse to do? I recommend a "believe but verify" approach. If your husband/boyfriend was raised in a place or raised in a religion that denies homosexuality, it's very unlikely that he will identify as "gay" if he considers homosexuality as something evil/illegal like pedophilia. So I'd urge straight spouses who have caught husbands on gay porn or having affairs with men to ask the following question: "What does gay mean to you?"    

2. He really speaks horribly of homosexual people. It’s actually hard for me to listen to because I have a lesbian cousin, she has been out since age 14 and has lived a true honest life, although it hasn’t been easy for her. He really has a bitter disliking towards her. He once said something along the lines of how people could either be a little bit gay or *really* gay. What’s your take on this comment? I thought maybe he was referring to bisexuality.

I can only guess because I've never spoken to him but here goes: 

He really has a bitter disliking towards her. He once said something along the lines of how people could either be a little bit gay or *really* gay.

Many gay-in-denial men are what I call "sexually gay but emotionally straight" meaning they acknowledge some form of attraction to men but don't want to be part of the "gay lifestyle"....whatever the f*ck that means. So perhaps "a little bit gay" means a man who has sex with men but claims he "doesn't want to be in a relationship with a man." Other justifications are along the lines of "I'd never kiss a man" or "I'd never let a man penetrate me." Believe me, I've met my share of straight-identified men in gay spaces spewing bullsh*t. 

I hope that helps friend but please feel free to post again. If any straight spouses have questions for a gay husband, please feel free to ask below. 

Last edited by Sean01 (July 23, 2024 5:03 am)