Hi Karina - I understand the pain and the anger all too well. My ex wife to this day, accepts no responsibility for how she treated me over 23 years together, or for all of the broken promises and agreements once it became clear she was having an affair with a woman. I was angry and that was great, because it motivated me to get in shape (physically and mentally). I would not say the answer is acceptance per say, I would say, my answer has been presence. 

What that means to me is its ok to feel how you feel, but 99% of my suffering was caused because I lived in the past or was worried about the future. When I stayed present, truly present, I was happy. Not at first, time helps, but only if you use the time to work on you. I was a rescuer, so while I did not deserve what happened to me, I did in some regard, allow years of poor treatment, lying, disrespect to go unchecked. Why? Because I was broken. So through therapy, great friends and lifting alot of weights , I spend most of the time living in the now and as a result, I don't struggle with anger like I use too. 

Long winded way of saying, dont waste your anger on revenge, use it as motivation to heal yourself. That motivation won't last long, eventually it turns to bitterness and thats no good. Is your situation fair? Hell no. Mine wasnt either. But I have found I don't have to say much and the truth is coming out regardless. If asked, I tell people, I won't keep her secret. But I don't go out of my way to inform people, like her family, etc. I simply cut them off. Cut off everyone whose motivations you have to question. Use energy only for those who feed your soul. 

I know it sounds like a bunch of blah blah, but I can assure you, it gets better. The only way to the other side is differently through the pain. But if you face it head on, work on yourself, life starts anew. 

Be well, hang in there. This group has all been there. 

My situation is a bit similar. I spent years with an "unhappy" husband. He could never articulate why he was unhappy. And, by the end, I was a psychological and emotional mess. 

He dragged me from begging to be a father and cancelling the adoption the day before we were to adopt "our" child to manipulating me to stay in a marriage that was a complete lie because he wasn't ready to divorce yet.

While, I did get the "gay pronouncement"....what I got was years of de-humanizing behaviour, of being blamed, of jumping through every hoop he put out and still never being good enough....and then he blind sided me by saying "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you" and then walking out.

That was the extent of the conversation, and my only "heads up" for my divorce. I had planned a romantic get away for our 17th wedding anniversary (together 20 years) and he announced he was divorcing me.

I have spent a long time wanting to scream at him. Demanding he talk to me. Give me some sort of explanation for his behaviour. Anything. It was all pointless. And all it did was hurt ME.

My ex knows what he did, and doesn't care. Because the people that do this truly don't care. And that was a very hard pill to swallow. To realize I legit meant nothing to him. That, while I loved him deeply and was faithfully by his side for 2 decades, he easily discarded me like a piece of trash.

I had a shit ton of anger. I would get so angry at the unfairness of it all that I would actually scare myself at times. What I had to learn is that anger isn't a bad emotion. And that I had every reason to be angry. I should be angry. I should want to run him down with my car, scream in his face, and just break a whole bunch of his things with a baseball bat.

Instead, I started off with rage walking. I would put on screaming heavy metal songs and just stomp down the pathways around my place. I probably looked hilarious to anyone watching lol. I would legit be muttering and and punching the air (the really bad times I waited until it was darker!). Maybe my neighbours thought I lost some of my sanity, but, it helped.

It converted the anger into movement and gave me an outlet. I then started HIIT. I would slam the battle ropes and pretend I was smashing his face (maybe it says something about my psyche? lol). Again, it gave me an outlet. And it also helped physically wear me out. I would work out at times to the point where I was just too exhausted to move. And my brain shut off. And I actually got some sleep. And slowly I started to feel better.

I have my bad days. But, the good days are slowly starting to outweigh the bad. I still have my anger moments, but I have healthier outlets to allow myself to experience the anger and let it go. I am in therapy regularly. And I am working on letting go of the power my ex has in my life. Working towards the point where he will no longer be able to impact my emotions, cause me anxiety, or have any semblance of anything in my life.

It is a long and slow process, but you will get there. We all do, at our own pace.

This sounds familiar. I was married for 18 years with three children. My ex-GIDH also looked for any opportunity to blameshift and create dissatisfaction in our marriage while we (straight-spouses) kept examining ourselves. Talk about a losing battle. He was already out the door living his best GID life. 

It's ok to be angry. Sadly, I'm not sure if confronting him will make you feel better. He will most likely deny and deflect. It was a process for me to let go of explaining and making him OWN UP to his crap. I even had to let go of expecting an apology for hurting me. However, I have created boundaries to protect me. I had to make a choice to move forward and live my best life. I do believe in Karma, the idea that our actions and intentions create our future. He is not exempt from hurting me but it's no longer my job to look for his revenge. My job is to live my best life by healing and growing! I think your best use of your time and energy is to focus on you and your healing. 

Your worry about your husband’s potential next victim speaks volumes about your compassion and integrity.   As Gwendolyn said i hope step by step you can detach from your partner as you refocus on yourself, your next steps. Cheering you onwards

Last edited by Jupiter1 (July 9, 2024 11:35 pm)

As Jupiter said  your thoughts about the next woman/man/victim speaks volumes about your fierce compassion and empathy..   for now apply some that fierceness toward yourself. 

I sometimes get small recounts of my GXs angry moods and behavior from the kids.  One thing is for sure, her new gay life did not change her.   Perhaps the greatest vengeance is letting her gay lover  that she cheated with have to live with her.
  I don't feel we are responsible for their hurtful behavior anymore than the tides or weather...I  think they conditioned us to feel responsible for their behavior..it was never us.