At the start of 2020 my wife revealed to me that she cheated on me early in our relationship and a DNA test eventually confirmed that although I AM (and continue to be) our 1st born’s Dad I am not technically their father.

As you might imagine this really fucked me up big time. Took a month off work to have a mental breakdown and very much struggled with this secret all through COVID. Time and medication has healed a certain amount of my wounds over this but it continues to be something I struggle with. Pretty much everyone but our 1st born knows and I fear for when / how to tell them.

The second thing is why I guess I'm posting in this forum as after 6 months I still feel very raw about it. In January my wife admitted to me that after a long time struggling with it she has realised she is a lesbian.

She still loves me and I still love her but it is clear now that our love for each other is not the same.

In truth though, the impact of Jasmine's discovery is something I've been feeling long before she came out to me. We haven't been intimate for a long time now and in that time I think we have both let our self-esteem rot away. I think we both wanted to believe that we could figure that stuff out but it's become clear that we actually now have to redefine our relationship.

We very much wish to be the best parents we can be and so we are committed to maintaining a harmonious relationship, especially for our kids sake. The first few months since the revelation were spent trying to see if a mixed-orientation relationship could work. This was too much for me though, after 4 months I concluded that I can't transform the love I have for the woman I married whilst sleeping in the same bed and living under the same roof. We agreed that separation was an inevitability that we must face. After a lot of discussion on how we intended to navigate the situation I believe that we were aligned and committed to a separation with as minimal distress as possible.

During this time we both utilized our friends to confide in how difficult things were. My wife and her friend started to exchange very thoughtful and alluring gifts and her friend came to visit numerous times. They slept in her friend's van after nights out and it became clear to me that my wife had started to develop feelings for her. My wife had reassured me and our children that any new romantic relationship was so far away that it was nothing to worry about. I confronted my wife about what I suspected to be happening and I was heartbroken when she confirmed that I was right.

Since then my moving out was expedited and I have felt a lot of anger that I've struggled to know what to do with. I've told her that I felt deceived and that I'm very disappointed she made little to no effort to slow things down out of respect for my feelings and what agreement I thought we had. There have since been numerous situations where my wife has asked me to care for our children in the home that represents everything I have lost, and she has used a lot of that time to enable the development of her new relationship. I told her I wanted to follow the ‘steps for distancing’ but they have not been respected. I've tried to remain as calm as I can for the sake of our children, repressing my anger. But I've slowly realised that leaving my anger unresolved just leads to devaluing my own sense of self-worth and I am now at breaking point. I feel bound to a woman who wants someone else yet still expects me to be a friend. On my worst days I feel used as a means for her to achieve her goals, leaving no energy for me to even figure out my own.

I don't hate her, rightly or wrongly I still love her and so I've written her a letter to express how heartbroken I feel. Requesting her actions moving forward to better represent a respect for me and my feelings. I guess the bottom line for why I'm posting here though is to seek out perspectives I may have not thought of, or otherwise validation that it is reasonable for me to feel how I feel and what I may want to consider as next steps.

Any insight or support would be greatly appreciated.