We talked the other night. I had recorded on my phone what I wanted to say to him while I was driving – and I played it for him  ( I did that so I wouldn’t get emotional or overreact or cry). Which basically said I needed to know his intentions of what he wanted to do -  he’s either going to be exploring his sexuality and going that route or he staying in this marriage.  I told him when we first started this marriage counseling and trying to make things work a year ago I couldn’t go through this six months or a year or five years or 10 years and he said at that time that he wasn’t he wanted, he wanted to be with me.  That he had no inclination to go that route.  So after the recording was done I kind of put the ball back in his court - that I know he’s going to group, I know he’s calling himself Timmy (which he has always said he HATED that name),  I know he’s lying and I’m just not gonna deal with that. I’m not gonna put up with it anymore. 

So when it was his turn, he tried twisting it and saying that so if he wants to learn WHO he is and WHY he thinks the way he thinks, to figure out who is he, that he can’t stay in the marriage?  

And I quite frankly said if you’re gonna put it that simply then that’s correct. I didn’t cry. I didn’t back down. I didn’t let him twist everything like he normally does and make me feel bad.

He said I’ve been checking the cameras (we have indoor cameras to check on the dogs). I didn’t deny it.  He said the group that he is attending on Tuesday is a PTSD Group. I said so you call yourself Timmy at the PTSD group?  No response --  And I said something to the effect of when you went in person when, you were your skinny jeans to that group too?  He tried to say that he doesn’t go anywhere much so why not where them.  I said see, this is what I mean I’m getting half truths and you’re still not being honest with me. This is what I can’t deal with. I can’t go through all of this all the time.  I’ve been dealing with this for way too long throughout our marriage. You’re never honest with me. I’m tired of having to check up on everything. I’m tired of trying to figure everything out.

We kinda ended it with me saying I didn’t want to be in the marriage.  That we had to figure out what we’re doing with his adult special needs daughter that lives with us, and then we can start figuring out how to start splitting everything up.... It makes me sad, but at the same time I feel a little sense of relief, because I don’t have to deal with his lies anymore.

I turned off the cameras inside the house to stop recording. I don’t need to check his phone anymore because now what he does is on him. We do have marriage counseling scheduled for tomorrow. I thought about canceling it.  I think we should go, get someone else opinion. 

Oh, I also did talk to him about the fact that we didn’t have marriage counseling until I did something about it. He threw that one back on me, saying that I was the one saying that I was handling it.  I never said any of that. I never said that they were just waiting, I didn’t counter. I didn’t get into a big debate with him about it. It wasn’t the issue and didn’t really matter. I just wanted him to understand where I was coming from. He has counseling to work on HIM and I haven’t been, but I did see the counselor who sending me out to an actual counselor was more worried about getting me into marriage counseling, and getting my blood pressure under control than anything else.  I've been taking my stress out on my body - I've NEVER had high blood pressure until recently.

So I don't know what the future holds but I know I'm worth more than he is giving me.  Over a year ago he posted nude photos of me online AND I found out that he was BI and possibly Trans all in the same early morning hours of April 1st.  And no... it wasn't a good April Fools Joke.