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1 of 1- Orchid87
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How to move forward?
My husband told me a couple months ago that he has gender dysmorphia and might be trans but is trying to figure it out. I was suspicious for quite a few years but never confronted because I wasn’t sure. We aren’t fighting and I don’t hate him but not sure how to move forward. I told him that I can’t live with him being a women in any form, whether it’s just dressing up or fully being trans. Just as much as he should live his life the way he wants, I should too. He is understanding and we are trying our best to talk about how we’re feeling. We’re both speaking with therapists and she told me that he needs to firgure out what he wants and that’s separate from what I want. The issue I’m having is he doesn’t want to tell his family yet so I feel like I can’t tell anyone. And when he’s ready, I have no idea how I would explain this to my parents. I barely understand it myself. Right now, it looks like we have a great marriage (13 years and no kids) so it would be a shock to everyone. I just want to separate and move on with my own life. I can support from a far but not in my own house. I feel bad saying that but it makes me uncomfortable. Just looking for advice on what steps you took, how you told family, what was the timeline from when you found out to separate, etc?
- Anon 765
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Re: How to move forward?
Hi Orchid,
First of all, I am sorry this is happening to you. Separation and divorce are hard enough on their own, without this added layer of confusion, and the secrecy.
It's great that you are in therapy. It is also excellent that you feel like you want to separate and move on with your life, and be in your own house. That distance will be precious.
I initiated the separation after over 5 years of him being increasingly interested in bisexuality. It was a long time of secrets, though I did confide in a close friend, and expanded that circle little by little. Our marriage also looked "great" from the outside, and it was hard when people asked me what happened, and I had to say "I was unhappy". True, but not fully true.
We're separated now, and he just announced on FB that he will be marrying his boyfriend before the end of the year, once he files for divorce (the agreement was that whoever files has to pay, and I didn't want to spend any more money on this!) It was amicable at first and I was super supportive. Unfortunately, I wore out over the years from secrecy and confusion, unstable mental health and too much drama. When he came out to everyone recently, I felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn't realize how much I was still subconsciously carrying that secret.
Don't feel bad about wanting to move on with your life. That's healthy! And honestly, the sooner the better. Your therapist is right - what do you want? Then make it happen.
Best of luck,
Anon
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: How to move forward?
Please don't feel bad about feeling uncomfortable with your husband's new reality. You married a man who presented himself as a heterosexual man, and you had every expectation of life with your husband. If anyone ought to be feeling "uncomfortable" in this scenario, it is your husband, who has altered the terms of the marriage.
I am divorced from a trans identifying male. I carried my then-husband's secret for three years--lived in his closet, that is--before divorcing him. Living in someone else's closet is unhealthy. You need your own support system.
It's good your therapist recognizes that your husband has to figure out what he wants, on his own, and that what you want can be separate from what he wants. I hope your therapist also recognizes that it is necessary for you to speak to those who love you--your family--about what is happening in your life.
It is fairly common that our spouses--gay or trans--are reluctant to go public and want us to keep their secret, but what they want and what is healthy for us are not the same thing. You should be able to say to your husband that his journey is his journey but that it isn't yours, and that you must be able to seek out the support you need as you cope with the new reality that he has introduced into your life.
It might be easier for you to think about telling your parents, despite your seemingly great marriage, if you remember that many, many marriages contain secrets that are invisible from the outside--a spouse might be cheating, a spouse might be a domestic abuser, a spouse might have a gambling habit, a mental illness, etc. You might even consider telling your parents something along the lines of "My spouse has revealed to me a marriage-changing secret to me, and I have decided that I can't stay married to him."
- mm3
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Re: How to move forward?
I was planning on leaving my spouse and then he revealed he was struggling with gender dysphoria disorder in hopes that I would stay. I did reconsider things for about a week - GDD explained his anger but it didn't excuse the anger being directed at me for the past 3 years. And his anger/behavior didn't change after the disclosure. He didn't change, being trans didn't make him a good partner. So 1 week after he told me, I told him I was leaving. Maybe if his behavior and his treatment of me had changed, I would have stayed. Ever since making the decision, I feel so much freer and better. My gut has been screaming at me for close to 3 years to get out and I finally listened.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: How to move forward?
Orchid87 wrote:
..... I just want to separate and move on with my own life.....
That's a well-defined starting point. If it's what you truly want you'll make it happen. In your own time because this is not something you should rush. You'll need to research, talk to people (this is your life remember, not his)
Elle
KIA KAHA