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1 of 1- MamaChic
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Not coping well
I’m new here, my therapist thought it would be beneficial for me. I have been married for 47 years, two children, a grandson, and my best friend my dog. My husband worked away from home more than he lived at home. Came home every weekend, then every two weeks, then once a month, we would go up to visit, times I went up to visit alone and enjoyed ourselves so much. Then he said that his company gave him a choice, work there or they would have to let him go. At that time our son was started college with my daughter right behind. We decided that staying there would be the best choice. This living arrangement continued for over 25+ years….as time went on I began to feel as though something wasn’t right when he would come home. I would ask him if everything is alright? Is there something he wanted to share with me? Needless to say romance well not happening. Fast forward I decided 2021 to retire move closer to my children and grandson, he was onboard. When we traveled out here to see places we liked, I again asked him when you retire you will be coming as well correct? Yup. So just as we completed packing up our home, he then decides to tell me that he is gay. I felt like someone soccer punched me. Again, I asked him why did you decide to tell me now when I am Uprooting my life, selling our home, moving to a city I don’t know well… so many emotions. So here I am at 70 living my retirement without the person I love. He has been living his life for years. Now I hear about the trips they have been on, that I thought we would be doing, and now asking if he can bring his significant other on family vacations. There are days I can’t stop crying because I had my head buried in the sand all these years and was living in a fairytale. Where do I go from here? I just don’t know.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Not coping well
MamaChic wrote:
.... There are days I can’t stop crying because I had my head buried in the sand all these years and was living in a fairytale. Where do I go from here? I just don’t know.
Mamachic....welcome to our Forum 
I am so so sorry this has happened to you. What a selfish man he is! Do you have people...friends/relatives....you can confide in because crying only keeps all the emotions inside, you'll need to let them out to somebody who'll keep your confidence as you work through your pain. Hugs for you Chic
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Lost @ 50
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Re: Not coping well
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I cannot offer any advice as I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing but I know if I were in your shoes I would be so mad. He has been cheating on you for so many years. Make sure to get a good lawyer and lean on your family and friends.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Not coping well
47 years is a long long time to recover from what has essentially been living the way he wants to live his life.
MjM is right. You owe nothing to this man, not even politeness for the sake of 'not rocking the boat' with your family
There are so many people in the world who think what he's done is brave and authentic but forget the collateral damage of the ones he's hurt.
Do your family know how you feel....do they see your tears...have you told them your side of this painful story?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Not coping well
You must be in so much shock - that is such a long time to look back on - for me it was 37 years so I can appreciate the depth of your shock without knowing what it's like to do the extra decade.
One of the things that helped me was I fell out of love with him. I think I sort of instinctively grasped he was manipulating my feelings for his own ends and it had got to a point I really needed him to help me with mine for a change.
He was lining me up for something and all of a sudden, I felt it in my heart, it was like a tap closing and that was that. End of my store of love for him. It was simply a relief.
It is easy to feel my good feelings and not always easy to feel my hard feelings but the thing I have come to is they are all there to help me.
Things will get better with a bit of time, promise.
wishing you all the best, Lily
Last edited by lily (May 31, 2024 7:33 pm)
- walkbymyself
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Re: Not coping well
Lily makes a good point about men like this manipulating us for their own ends.
It's so simple for these people to convince themselves that they're doing this whole elaborate act for our benefit. What they're doing is playing God with someone else's life. When you hide fundamental facts about my life from me, you're playing God, full stop. You can say you have no agenda, or that you did it to spare my feelings, but you played God.
He wants to bring his significant other on family vacations? Sounds to me like the vacation from hell.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- MamaChic
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Re: Not coping well
MamaChic,
There's no law or rule that you have to say yes to this person anymore.
My late ex-h manipulated me to do what was best for him. It was always the worst choice for me though.
I had to wait but I fought back because this is what I wanted. I wanted to remedy the injustice he put into place.
Thank you for your advice. I have begun saying no to him. I would cry after speaking on the phone with him a few times and then I realized one day after speaking to him that I felt empowered. I felt like a boulder was removed from my shoulders!! Not going to lie, I am still very angry with him because he has left me to be alone in my 70’s…. Not sure I will ever get over that. Again, I thank you for caring.
- •
Thread Starter- MamaChic
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Re: Not coping well
Lily makes a good point about men like this manipulating us for their own ends.
It's so simple for these people to convince themselves that they're doing this whole elaborate act for our benefit. What they're doing is playing God with someone else's life. When you hide fundamental facts about my life from me, you're playing God, full stop. You can say you have no agenda, or that you did it to spare my feelings, but you played God.
He wants to bring his significant other on family vacations? Sounds to me like the vacation from hell.
You hit the nail on the head. He was playing God with my life. I told him I will never forgive him for taking away years of my life. As for vacations, yea no that’s not happening.
Thank you, I appreciate you responding to me.
- •
Thread Starter- MamaChic
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Re: Not coping well
Lily makes a good point about men like this manipulating us for their own ends.
It's so simple for these people to convince themselves that they're doing this whole elaborate act for our benefit. What they're doing is playing God with someone else's life. When you hide fundamental facts about my life from me, you're playing God, full stop. You can say you have no agenda, or that you did it to spare my feelings, but you played God.
He wants to bring his significant other on family vacations? Sounds to me like the vacation from hell.
You hit the nail on the head. He was playing God with my life. I told him I will never forgive him for taking away years of my life. As for vacations, yea no that’s not happening.
Thank you, I appreciate you responding to me.
- •
Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Not coping well
Mamachic,
Yes they play God..By the time we find out they have been doing it for years.
And like others said they have no awareness of it..its a scary thing..their broken morality. I found it worst than the gay. So scary they vowed to take care of us and can toss us out like the trash..and feel OK about it.
Best you can do is enjoy your retirement best you can without him..he is really not worth a single second of time anymore.
I truly believe the real God is looking down and sees the difference between wrong and right. In this life and the next we can say we kept all our vows and promises.
Wishing you peace and solace.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7