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1 of 1- Lost @ 50
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A Year Later and still here
Just over a year ago I found this group and poured my heart out onto this computer screen. Searching for something, anything to ground me or guide me or stop me from sinking. My world was not just torn upside down by my husbands betrayal because it wasn’t just that he suddenly after almost 16 years of marriage wanted to dress like a woman and was bi… no, it wasn’t just the porn that has been an issue our whole marriage…. it was that he posted naked photos of me on groups because … well who cares. Then while looking I found that he might have had an affair with someone he had an affair with on his late wife……
I went to counseling and it was helping. They got us set up to go to couples counseling where I could actually talk about how I felt and what I needed and what I would and would NOT put up with in my life and our marriage. I explained that if he wanted to cross dress and be with other people (men or women), then we needed to get a divorce. I did not marry a woman and I’m not attracted to a man dressed like a woman. If that is what makes him happy then that’s ok. We would just need to get a divorce and sell the house and divide things up.
He opted to stay. He said he wanted to be with me. He threw away everything he bought. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t going to last. But I told myself that just give it time. Let him get into actual counseling (before he said he was but I found out it was group counseling for trans).
Our couples counseling stopped in November. My counseling stopped in January (referral issues). He started seeing one in February I believe. I finally got in this month to see one person who will then send me to an actual counselor and also recommended couples counseling. On the drive home I got so upset I had to stop. From February until now, why didn’t his counselor do couples counseling? Same insurance, same provider, same services.
Fast forward to yesterday. I call to let him know about an appointment for our (his) adult daughter that had been rescheduled and realized he was driving somewhere which was odd because I work all day and he’s retired and doesn’t go anywhere unless he has an appointment (which would be on my calendar) or he had to go to the store for something. So I asked just in case I missed something and he said no, he was just going to talk to a counselor because he needed to talk. No appointment. It was the way he said it that made me realize there was more to it. So I ended up finding out on my own that he’s back in that group therapy again.
We don’t talk about issues unless we have a counselor. We live as roommates (separate rooms). Have taken vacations together. We get a long well and are not at each others throats – which I guess is a really good thing.
I just feel betrayed all over again. I’m trying to stay in a marriage that has a terminal illness why? 17 years of this. I’ve been hurt by him every single year. Not one year did I not get hurt by him in some way. I’m 51 years old and the thought of being old alone I guess scares me. I don’t really have hobbies or friends. I have our dogs and the cat. Kids are grown and they are all his.
No one knows what is going on. Not in his family and not the kids. I’ve talked with my sister who lives in another state but that is it. I keep everything bottled up and locked away because I have to. I have a high stress job and need to be able to be happy and professional.
We start seeing a couples counselor on Tuesday. It’s a new one so we have to start all over – which is hard. But this time I’m going to let HIM start off the conversation. Last time I took the lead because as he said “I was the one who made the appointment”. But you know what? He was the reason we needed it.
So… all of this to say… a year later and I’m not in any better shape than I was.
- Blackie563
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Re: A Year Later and still here
Lost - I am not sure if you want advice, or just someone to listen. Happy to do either. I am so sorry you are in pain feeling stuck. While I will refrain from advice unless asked, I can say you already articulated what you know.....that this is not healthy for you. You already stated that while you have fears of stepping away, you have found no peace in over a year. Do you believe this will get better or worse with time? I think you know the answer. Many of us here have walked that path, its hard, scary, exhausting, mind numbing, all at the same time. I wish you peace in an unfair situation that you even have to make this decision. However, you are the only one that can make the decision.
- walkbymyself
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Re: A Year Later and still here
I'll refrain from offering solutions as well, only because when I was in the early stages of this journey I would not have listened to anyone who suggested to me that my marriage should end.
I can tell you for a fact the decision is really tough and it takes a long time to screw up the courage.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: A Year Later and still here
We all come to a decision in our own time. It all depends on too many things to ever pretend the answer will be an easy one. Or that the answer is the same for us all. For myself it was when the 'bucket of us' was empty. I got to the end of the 'us' road and had to detour to save myself. Yip it's bloody hard on your own, but it's worse being in a r'ship with a man with a secret. One that he'd rather have kept to himself..
Can I just say.... the counselling is a waste of time. He's doing it to keep you from upsetting the status quo, and because he knows it gives you hope.
My experience is from 38yrs with a man whose secret I held onto for too long.
Be strong, feel entitled to expect more from life. Get angry and use it as a tool not a weapon
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: A Year Later and still here
One of the hardest things is fear. As soon as I'd start thinking about leaving I'd feel such a strong level of fear and yet when I thought about it I realised it is only natural to feel that fear of what comes next - and so I recognised my fear was my friend. I leant into it, I listened to my fears. It helped me prepare the way out and into a new life.
I'm glad I left, better late than never. It's never too late!
- Lost @ 50
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Re: A Year Later and still here
Thank you everyone. Yes, this is a hard journey and knowing I'm not really alone helps so much. I would say "you have NO IDEA" but I have a feeling that most of you do.
Marriage counseling was just a "meeting" with her. I was a bundle of nerves because I know once I open one box everything will spill out and I won't be able to stop it and the rest will fall out. The hard part is, when we go back in a couple weeks, right after it I have to go to work. Such as life.
Today I found on his phone that he asked his "doc" if they had group in person today (thats the trans group that is "not" going to). When he let the doc in the text know who he was he referred to himself as Tommy. Which was REALLY odd because he has said he has ALWAYS HATED that name.
Is it wrong of me to want to call him that now just to see what he says? I know - it won't help.
I'm going to try to reach out to my doc tomorrow about getting counseling. Just not sure how to fit it in since i have other doctor appointments and then couples counseling - and working full time. Of course i can't do any of the counseling in the evenings or on weekends when I'm NOT working. That would be too easy. But something has to give. The head counselor I talked to who was suppose to be setting me up with someone told me that my body is most likely starting to react to the stress of things. I've always had low blood pressure - it's now borderline high. So that's not a good thing.
I heard an older country song the other day that I've heard so many times but never HEARD it until then.
A Little Bit Stronger
Sung by Sara Evans
Chorus:
And I'm done hopin'
That we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels
Spinnin' my wheels
Lettin' you drag my heart around, and oh
And I'm done thinkin'
That you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
- •
Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: A Year Later and still here
Lost @ 50 wrote:
.....Today I found on his phone that he asked his "doc" if they had group in person today (thats the trans group that is "not" going to). When he let the doc in the text know who he was he referred to himself as Tommy. Which was REALLY odd because he has said he has ALWAYS HATED that name. ....
It was a relief....a breath held in then let out....when I no longer felt like I had to look at his phone, that I had to know who he was talking/chatting with and what he was saying. When it didn't matter anymore what he was thinking, or what his plans were.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Lost @ 50
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Re: A Year Later and still here
Somedays I feel like I don't give a crap... then other days it's just the whole principle of the thing. Here we are trying to save our marriage and he's just hiding and lying. I'm just wasting my time and it just hurts. I almost said something to him this morning on my way out the door but I didn't. I just don't even know how to start the conversation without being mad and crying. We have his adult autistic daughter who lives with us right now so that makes it harder as she hears everything.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: A Year Later and still here
Somedays I feel like I don't give a crap... then other days it's just the whole principle of the thing. Here we are trying to save our marriage and he's just hiding and lying. I'm just wasting my time and it just hurts. I almost said something to him this morning on my way out the door but I didn't. I just don't even know how to start the conversation without being mad and crying. We have his adult autistic daughter who lives with us right now so that makes it harder as she hears everything.
I found myself doing the things you're doing. In the midst of thinking your world is collapsing nothing tangible, real or understandable seems to hang around long enough so that you can make sense of what's happening. The fact you have a husband who's living a lie doesn't help either.
I tried to start and continue so many conversations that ended up either being cut short with anger (his), going round in never-ending circles or (and this was the most maddening) ending up being one-sided (me of course). The day arrived, and I hope your day arrives soon too, that I realised the only person who could fix this was me. Tough as it was I put myself at the front of the line.
If your husband won't talk, and you feel awkward with his daughter around is there any way, anywhere you can go and stay for a week or two? Space to think is good for the start of the process of dealing with your future and how you want to see it. Then organise a time you can both sit down alone.
Start seeing yourself as worthy of a good future 
Elle
KIA KAHA