I'm in the same boat. My husband wants us to live as roommates, stating it is easier for our young children and for us financially. I've given it thought but the fact is that I cannot live my life when he is around. He states he wants us to stay together but really it's only on his terms. In his mind, I should continue to do all the housework, child care, keep contributing financially to the household while he gets to do whatever he wants. I can't even invite my friends or family over without him throwing a fit. I know it's going to be hard for me and our kids for us to separate, but I also know it's the only way I will be free. I've put up with the emotional abuse for the past 3 years. I finally got up the courage to leave and then he decided to reveal he is transgender. He thought it would help me understand why he has been so angry for 3 years and make me stay. But him being transgender doesn't excuse the abuse or cheating. I know this is just him trying to continue his control over me.

Nogulus wrote:

I'm on the other side of this dealing with an SSA wife. I've held back for the last year mainly because I don't know how to protect the kids from the full impact, but she keeps digging in further and flaunting it, all while blaming me for my past issues with porn. Financially, I think I'd be better off splitting, even this morning, she was talking about how we need to figure out the kids tutorial program (home school) tuition for the next year because the first payment is due in July. She's refused to get a job for years, She was the one that wanted to home school, but she's the one that stays out late multiple nights a weeks, eating out with friends, insists she can't quit her Krav Maga classes, burning thru about 20% of our monthly income, all while neglecting to actually home school.. but for some reason it's my responsibility to come up with the money. And yet, I hesitate. 

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this as well “I hesitate”. I understand all to well.  @nogulus

Blackie563 wrote:

I can not and will not tell you what you need to do. What I will tell you, is the hardest part is execution but once you do it, the real healing can begin. I went very low contact in early 2023, went completely off anxiety meds (That I had been on for the entirety of my relationship with her). Living the way I was...it was KILLING ME, literally. I hope you find the  right path for you, whatever that may be. 

 

Within a couple years of getting married I was diagnosed with depression and on meds. Over the years it got progressively worse, and I developed crippling anxiety. When all his shit went down, I swear I had an entire break from reality. And he made the entire process a living hell. I had lows I had never experienced before. I lost the will to live.

Now I'm at the tail end of the divorce process....and I've had entire days where I'm happy. For context, before he made his announcement I actually said to him that I thought I was incapable of being happy. That my brain was so broken I didn't think I would ever be able to be truly happy again. 

Life has been far from easy, but the more I get away from his abuse, the more I am enjoying my life. 

I never realized just how much he dragged me down. And he always blamed me for not doing anything - we never travelled, did anything fun, went out on dates, anything - and he blamed me. Because I was depressed, or anxious.

I have now ziplined through the rainforest, gone on a cruise, am planning a trip through South America, took up horseback riding and got a personal trainer. I'm meeting new people. And I'm having less and less episodes of feeling like a piece of trash.

He truly is a horrible person. And I pity anyone who has to deal with my ex in their life - because all he does is drag people down. I wasted years on supporting a person who never loved me, treated me like crap, and used me.

Blackie - like you, I can't emphasize it enough - I was literally killing myself for someone who is so fucked up he can't even be honest with himself. It is not worth it. It is never worth it. I know there are people out there who support MOM, but honestly, I think the straight spouse always loses in these situations. And it's time for straight spouses to stop putting up with this BS,

lily wrote:

That's what my anxiety was about, my subconscious sense of hidden danger.  I was trusting someone who did not have my best interests at heart, not one iota.

 

This right here....yes, our bodies always knew what our eyes remained blinded too for years...decades in my case. It was literally within 2 weeks of blocking her on all media and going low contact I felt better. Significantly better. I always thought being an adult meant extreme stress! Imagine my surprise when I found out it was just the person I was living with and her constant belittling, cheating, lying, etc. Amazing.... 

I live with my ex-husband to raise our children. I am now officially divorced from my GID Ex-husband as of last Friday! However, our family dynamics are different from most. Dad travels for work 60% of the time, and we have been living in separate parts of the house for almost 4 years now! It has become the norm that Dad sleeps downstairs and Mom is upstairs. We told our children last May that we were separated and eventually getting a divorce. By this time, we had finalized our Marital Settlement Agreement explaining the terms of custody, living arrangements, use of the home property, and financial responsibilities with our lawyers. It was NOT easy to get here, BUT it works for US. I can't say this will last for years, but we are committed to providing our children with a stable and caring environment. The kids are well aware that Mom and Dad are not together. This transition took about two years.  Since my GID-Ex is still lying to himself about his sexuality,  we didn't disclose the reasons for the divorce.  
 
The most common question that I receive is, what about your love life? I have been fortunate to find healthy and good love with someone I have known since 2019 ( coworker). He has been with me since I decided to get out of the marriage. He has never been married and has no children, but he's been a good uncle and role model to so many children without good Dads! He understands that my priority is my children. However, we have discussed boundaries and communicated our needs and feelings. We are both old enough to want good companionship at this time. My GID Ex and I also limit what is allowed at home. The legal term is called "nesting". My Ex-husband and I have organically created a schedule with responsibilities and downtime. The house belongs to the kids and family moments.  Tension and resentment are down on my end because there are no longer any expectations that my GID-Ex fulfills the role of a husband. He's become my kid's Father, and that's it! It feels good. 
 
Also, I had a great lawyer! My Pension and 401k remained untouched, and I have primary custody! He gets a larger portion of the house sale WHEN we sell it after the last kid completes high school. This is a marathon, not a Sprint! I cried. I felt numb for many days as my world changed, and I had to accept that my marriage was over. This was the most challenging decision I had to make in life, but my faith, my betrayal therapist, this forum (thanks, Ryan, for the tough talk), and experiencing healthy love helped me get here!

I CHOSE ME! I SAVED ME! I SAVED the little girl with basic human needs - to be loved and feel safe!