Thank you for writing Lilly and Thelight. In response to Thelight's message: 

1. Hi. I am unsure if you have read my story.  However this roller coaster I am still on. 

I have read your story and will list a brief history for those who haven't read it: 

- Married 22 years, 2 children 17+ years old
- Troubled sex life/intimacy 
- Husband admitted to having a porn addiction
- Also admitted to "same sex attraction" (or "SSA")
- His older brother (Thelight's brother-in-law) came out as gay last year. 
- Thelight and husband are now bouncing between separation, with her husband threatening to move out, then reconciliation. 

2. He is angry for me sharing his ssa [same sex attraction] with my sister and friend.  Told him to leave he said he wasn’t strong enough he did admit he has to work through the anger.  So we are still riding it out.  I wish there was an easy button. 

F*ck him. Of course you can talk about these things with friends, family, and perhaps a therapist. I'm so sorry he's emotionally abusing you and your children. 

3. Can this work if he comes to terms with the anger? His disclosure was about 8 months ago. 

That depends on how you define "work" my friend. If we take away his back story and excuses, you appear to be in a sexless and emotionally abusive relationship with a potentially closeted porn addict who also suffers from anger issues. So my question is: what's the best case scenario here? 

4. He has had me spinning since he’s leaving one minute staying the next saying all the right things. What is your take.

I'd take a taxi to the nearest airport, destination Miami, then treat yourself to a well-deserved singles cruise! On a more serious note, I think this kind of "I'm LEAVING! No, now I LOVE YOU!" is common before toxic relationships finally and mercifully end. 

5. I even told him he owes me nothing and I will never be able to give him what he needs.  At this point he has told me he hasn’t been with a man but has chatted. 

Probably a lie, particularly if he's following the closeted cheaters playbook: 

- Frequently travels for work. 
- A sudden and obsessive interest in physical fitness to get "gay ready." 
- A change in appearance (new glasses/haircut) and style (new clothes and racy underwear). 
- A new male "best friend" or co-worker suddenly appears and they do lots of men's weekends away. 
- Lube, viagra, and sex toys are found. 

6. Is he afraid he will go down that road.  He is a Christian.  Am I just protection? 

If he is 40+ years old, was raised in a homophobic church or by a bigoted Evangelical family, then yes he would struggle with coming out; particularly if you live in a very conservative part of the world. I'm not sure if you're "protection" or perhaps a "beard" of sorts to hide his true sexuality. 

My question is as follows: if you take away the "same sex attraction" label, what exactly are you fighting for? Your husband appears to suffer from addiction, anger issues, and depression. The facts also suggest that he's emotionally abusive, refuses to have sex with you, and has one foot out the door. Many people have separated/divorced in similar circumstances my friend. I hope that helps. 

Last edited by Sean01 (April 30, 2024 4:19 am)

Thank you for writing Thelight. I would suggest exploring co-dependency with a mental health professional or perhaps through www.coda.org. In reply: 

I am a fixer and my heart truly breaks for what he is dealing with I pray that he can come to terms with everything.

As I've written before to other straight spouses, it sounds like your husband is drowning emotionally...and sadly you're in the pool with him getting dragged down to the bottom. It's time kick him off, get out of the pool (separation), then you can throw him a life ring (individual therapy). Whether he saves himself or not is then up to him. I wouldn't recommend couples therapy because you'll only be blamed for everything wrong with your troubled relationship. I do recommend detaching with love and then focusing all of that love and attention on yourself and your children. Good luck friend. 

Welcome back Alex! Glad to see you posting again friend. Given our last exchange: 

1. You [Sean] might, however, be a dinosaur, my friend. So, I guess I am on a mission to find out if I am married to a dickhead or not. His sexuality is secondary. I'm not looking for answers on this forum - not anymore. It is comical you think I come here to find out "whether my husband will leave me or not"... people leave people for a plephora of reasons. It still, however, provides triggers for me to go and do my own research or contemplate some questions. It is full of posts - some I can relate to and other I find totally foreign. I haven't yet found a community that fully resonates with my needs and opinions, so as a perpetually questioning human - I explore. 

I really assumed you'd moved on but am glad to see you back. Any husband updates and/or have you found the answers you were looking for? 

2. I am in the same place. My main concern is what if he is more/primarily gay and DOESN'T leave me. Will our marriage forever hold him back from living his true authentic self? It's a mindbending thought, but I am delaying it until later. I am hoping his sexual fluidity will stabilise in the next few months, once he's had some experiences and went through the "gay adolescence" phase.

"Is he really gay?" is a common question among straight spouses. Are you and your husband still having threesomes (with men) or have you perhaps decided to open your marriage? Your voice, research, and experience are all welcome here so please post an update. What I always fear is that straight spouses like you, Rose, and others are doing most of the heavy lifting: meaning exhaustive research; setting up counselling appointments; all while raising kids and managing households. Sadly, most closeted/questioning husbands limit their "research" to watching gay porn and cruising Grindr. I hope your husband proves to be the princely exception to the rule...rather than a toad.   

So what's my point? Keep posting and coming back friend. All voices and opinions are welcome. For every straight spouse sharing here, I believe there are hundreds following your journeys. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (May 19, 2024 2:36 am)

Thank you Alex and good luck friend. If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband feel free to post them here. 

Hi Sean, Happy Pride Month! Gosh... things are moving quickly. I realised I only posted 3 weeks ago and soooo much happened since then. 

My BH (out 6 months) has come to realise that he is predominantly same-sex attracted... In your terms, it means he is gay. Although he strongly prefers to identify as bi. In fact, he mostly uses the term ssa (same-sex attraction) rather than bi or gay. This term points to that it is something a person HAS rather than what they ARE. Subtle difference, but seems to be important. 

He arrived at this realisation through therapy - he has not had any real-life exploration and is still off porn. He seems to have worked through any remaining, deep-seated shame about his sexuality (hence all the open conversations). He is out at work, to friends and ex-wife, I can have conversations about his ssa with anyone, so there is no "utility" in maintaining our marriage. Kids are grown up and almost out of the house. We are not religious (he is practically an atheist). I am a pretty crappy housewife, he carries more than half of the load at home. I earn less than him and don't have any rich relatives that might leave us an inheritance.  

He still wants to stay together!!! He is happy with any conditions I want - open marriage, closed marriage, monogamy, anything. He says that ssa or not, if he is not with me, he will be on his own. In celibacy. I know, dramatic, right? I am almost certain he is "demisexual" in addition to his ssa, so he needs the connection to engage in anything sexual. He says this ship has sailed for him, he is with me, connected to me, loves me, understands me; that it would take years if not decades to find someone like me in a male form (if it is at all possible) and then so much work building the relationship up from the ground again. And just not enough time (he is in his late 50s) to build all this beautiful history together with kids, family, experiences, etc. Additionally, what we have been through in the last 6 months, how well we know each other, our dreams, fears and desires, the most hidden corners of each other's souls - this is almost impossible to replicate again. 

I have walked out of our couple's therapy session today with a lot of validation that our relationship is more than viable despite him being "primarily ssa" based on our strong communication, connection and intimacy we have harnessed over the years and, in particular, in the last 6 months. For context, our therapist is a happily married gay man, I expected him to question and challenge the viability of our relationship, but he was fully supportive and encouraging, while I played the role of a challenger. 

I've heard all the supportive voices like "well, he just loves you, and love is love and so much more than sexual attraction, plus he's attracted to you anyway".  I need to hear the critical side and you are the best place to hear it from.. lol. 

Just to recap: he never cheated and I have never caught him on a lie since coming out, sex is regular and good, sometimes pretty amazing. Communication is open and transparent, he is super attentive to my feelings. He is a lot happier than pre-disclosure, hasn't had any depressive episodes and some of the ocd traits he used to have are softening or disappearing. There is more lightness in how he communicates with other people - particularly men. He has always been great, but post-disclosure he has become an even better person, more settled, calm and content. I love him a lot and I really want him to be happy. 

So, dear friend, I have three questions for you: 
1. Why does he still want me??? (feel free to skip this one - more rhetorical, really)
2. Can he ever be truly happy with me?
3. And in your opinion (as I am sure you will have one) - why is it not a good idea for a straight woman to be married to a gay man (considering he is practically perfect in every other way and meets all her needs)?

Last edited by Alex1984 (June 5, 2024 8:23 pm)