I'll send you an email with a pic.  I'll also forward you the link of what she said were tools to create boundaries.  Like what I expect in the relationship. 

But basically from the wheel:
​making her afraid by smashing her things (destroying her property) he only does this occasionally but it's usually out of the blue and unwarranted and overreacting to a silly thing

​Making her think she's crazy

​making her feel guilty (he's a pro at that and does it regularly)

​controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, where she goes, limiting her outside involvement (he's scared a lot of my friends off usually and this had been a bone of contention for me for a long time, I broke up with him over this but then discovered I was pregnant)

​making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously, saying it didn't happen. 

​There were more things on the wheel but these are what applied to me.  There are things not on the wheel that he does but it's basically a pattern of controlling my emotions and manipulating me by making me feel guilty.  It's shocking how long I've made excuses for this behaviour and normalized it, I'm shaking my head at myself.  It's like now I've realized it I can't believe it, shit like making me feel guilty if I do something nice for someone or go to a movie with them, he'll say 'I would've liked to go with you to that movie' or 'I would have liked if you had bought me that'  I am always balancing what I do with others so for example if I see a movie with someone I make sure to suggest we should have a date night the next day, or else he'll say something about how I enjoy being with other people and not him, and if I do something nice for someone I do something nice for him too so he won't complain to me that I don't think of doing those things for him (not true at all).  I'll need to run errands and he'll want all of us to go, ya me him and 2 small kids should go to the grocery store, the drycleaner, the hardware store, etc.  Oh great idea.  But he wants to 'spend time with me' he says.

This past year I had already been realizing how I am always sacrificing my time, my appearance - no time for a haircut or clothing shopping because I don't want him pissed I was gone too long.  I often tried to squeeze these things in on my lunch break, I literally would dread walking in the house because I didn't know if he was going to be angry with me for being gone.  So this all sort of fell into place.  I had been starting to push back lately and he had been backing down, but how stupid was I that I just never noticed how bad it had gotten.  Maybe the push back I was giving him was the reason he's been over reacting to silly things lately, getting overly mad at the dumbest things.  Sorry for the rant, I am just stunned, it's cathartic to write it down and I'm just so mad at myself.  My blame in this is that I turned a blind eye to how bad it was with family and friends, we would argue about it and I would 'put my foot down' and threaten to leave but then I never did it.  I wonder what I should do about that, apologize to them, say something to them like that I realize it was a mistake that I'm sorry they had to put up with it?

I honestly think the counsellor thinks I should leave him, she didn't say that at all but she said 'I won't tell you whether you should stay or go' that it would be up to me to decide that. 

​Vicky
 

Ah yes, you are right Cp that is exactly it.

http://www.thehotline.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/power-and-control-wheel-updated-1011x1024.png

Vicky

Hi JK,
​I can't send you private messages, it's not working for some reason I get an error.  PM me at my yahoo account if you want to.
​Vicky

Vicky, jk,

Can't make this stuff up.  These gay spouses still think they did nothing wrong.  It still boggles my mind to this day.  Somehow they have convinced themselves that they are morally right.

My update ..thanksgiving went well my kids were with me and my parents the latter half of the day...since their cousins were there they enjoyed it immensely. ..they was no bitter battle with the ex since she had them the beginning of the day..everyone was appeased.