I knew my husband was bisexual, but naively thought that when he married me that he was choosing me.  After many, many years of a sexless marriage filled with resentment, my husband announced that he needs to be his "true self."   He said he wanted to "break open" our relationship and be able to talk about everything.  He's made a series of revelations that have been incredibly painful to me, and I'm reeling.  He's angry that I'm not forgiving him, supporting him, and being understanding of how much pain he's in.  I am simply not there.  

LostOne24 wrote:

I knew my husband was bisexual, but naively thought that when he married me that he was choosing me.  After many, many years of a sexless marriage filled with resentment, my husband announced that he needs to be his "true self."   He said he wanted to "break open" our relationship and be able to talk about everything.  He's made a series of revelations that have been incredibly painful to me, and I'm reeling.  He's angry that I'm not forgiving him, supporting him, and being understanding of how much pain he's in.  I am simply not there.  

What he wants is absolution from what he has done / continuing to do. Typically, this comes after some form of penance. Absolution is earned and requires some genuine remorse of actions towards the person who was wronged. What has he done beyond the bare minimum of disclosing his orientation?

Forgiveness is something you offer to yourself. It is a way of saying you are not going to let this action direct your life any longer.

That is my non-catholic thoughts on these concepts.

As for your spouse, in my opinion, they are being selfish, expecting you to process this so soon and act like it's nothing about you and all about them. There might also be some guilt and shame in here over his actions and he wants to be washed of it, rather than deal with it. This would also reinforce the idea that it's about him, and you're just a bystander.

Be well, this is where a doctor/cleric/counselor can come in handy, or even a wise friend.
 

Salgal1960 wrote:

I know what you mean.  I thought about forgiveness. a lot! First, I decided I could only feel compassion for him for being gay.  I don't believe anyone can CHOOSE their sexuality, and why would they when the world is against them? My ex is still in the closet, even after both of his parents died. He's so ashamed he can't admit it.  He's angry at me for admitting it for him, even when I presented him with his own black and white evidence! Just as your spouse didn't believe he was cheating, mine said he was only having sexual fantasies, that it wasn't real, so he didn't do anything. He didn't believe he is gay either. So, I think the ANGER we feel is what prevents forgiveness. I can't forgive MYSELF for being so blind and wasting my younger life on a lie! I'm mostly angry that he allowed us to have a child whose life should not have included this hardship on all of us! We can't tell him we forgive him, because as long as someone won't admit what the problem IS, you can't express your feelings about it! Regardless, forgiveness is for US,not for them. It's to relieve our own pain so that we can release them and let them go into our past never to return. 

Your story is simulilar to mine ...I feel so stupid for wasting 8 years and involving two children! He tells me he hasn't been gay for 10 years even though I discovered daily gay porn!

LostOne, I'm sorry you were blindsided. 

You also have a right to be your true self. I spent many years burying my true self to accommodate my late ex. It took a toll on me.