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April 19, 2024 10:45 pm  #1

New to this

I've been married for 6 years, together for 13. We have 3 young children.

Things have been off for the last 3 years. My husband has been so angry. I blamed myself, thinking I could fix things. I thought it was COVID, the fact that we had 3 kids in 4 years, his job. I kept trying to make things perfect, hoping he would stop being so angry and critical. Hoping that he would treat me with kindness and respect.

About a year ago, I found him sexting an anonymous person he met on the internet. He told me it was my fault because our sex life was pretty minimal. And I believed him. And tried to fix it with counseling and regular sex and pretty doing much anything to make him happy.

No matter what I did, it was never enough. He was always angry, always criticizing my efforts or putting me down. He even told me that sexting was the least damaging thing I could have done, like I should be grateful that's all he did.

I started becoming suspicious something else was going on when we stopped having sex after a big blow up. He wasn't asking for sex, after telling me previously he would die if we didn't have sex at least once a week. I started snooping and found a backpack filled with butt plugs and dildos. And then one day I looked and there was a woman's cheerleading outfit with a blue wig and stockings in the backpack.

I confronted him and accused him of cheating. He told me he wasn't and a week later came out as having gender dysphoria disorder.

I'm so angry. I'm angry at him for blaming me for all these relationship problems when in fact his GDD caused these issues. I'm angry at myself for believing him and putting up with this emotional abuse.

After he told me, I tried to talk to him about his feelings and experience. He brushed me off, stating he needed time and space. He was angry at me for "outing him" before he was ready. He moved out of our bedroom and into the basement.

I tried to imagine myself with my husband as a trans woman. I couldn't see it. And after all the years of emotional abuse and the fact that his anger is now affecting our children, I couldn't stay. I told him our marriage is over.

He is still so angry. He's angry I won't continue in this marriage. I don't know what he expected - for me to stay and raise our kids and cook dinner and clean while he goes out and does whatever he wants with whoever he wants?

Now he's telling people all sorts of lies about me - that I'm an unfit mother, that I am an alcoholic, that my intimacy issues are the reason for our separation. He keeps saying he wants to keep our family together, but he is not acting like it. Why would you say these things if you want to stay together? Again, I'm angry - he has asked me not to tell anyone about his gender dysphoria and out of kindness I haven't told anyone about the sexting, but he's allowed to spread malicious information about me with no repercussions?

I'm so angry and so sad but for the first time in 3 years, I feel confident in the path I have chosen. He can be angry, rude, mean, but that's his issue, not mine.

I am so grateful to this forum. It helps me to feel less alone. And I needed to let it all out because I have no one else I can tell


April 20, 2024 3:08 am  #2

Re: New to this

Hey MM3  

Keep the fire of anger in your belly and make it work for you. Best place for him is in the basement. You should never let him back into your bed again. Ever. 

As for not having anybody to tell all this to.....our Support forum, while such a great place for a straightspouse, won't give you the face to face reality check and warmth that telling a friend or family member or counsellor will do. You need real contact with somebody you can trust. A women's centre? your doctor?
Keep reading, asking questions...


KIA KAHA                       

April 20, 2024 8:14 am  #3

Re: New to this

mm3 My genuine empathy goes out to you, you’ve got every right to hate your GDD every emotion is true at it’s rawest!.  It’s so f***ing unfair & painful when we 1st discover that our lifetime soulmate completely took advantage of our unwavering endless love w/ deceit  & lyes.  No words can describe what you’re feeling at this moment! We have lived through the very same painful forever life changing events & situation's.

 Hang in there keep reading others heartfelt stories, theirs lots of priceless information ℹ️ that will help you through your difficult journey.  You’re not alone, Welcome 🫶🏼.  

Last edited by True (April 20, 2024 8:23 am)

"And you will know the truth, & the truth will set you free"
John 8:32
True ❤️.

April 20, 2024 4:24 pm  #4

Re: New to this

Go see a good family law attorney.  Do it without telling your stbx.  That he wants you to keep his secret means you have a trump card to play--he does not want this information disclosed, and you can use it to get a better settlement.  Your silence, that is, should cost him.  But do not say anything about this--don't threaten to tell his family, for example--let his fear about being "outed."  With three young children, you need a good settlement. (And for the record, you talking about what happened in your life is not "outing him." it's telling your story, which you have every right to do.) 

You do need to act in a calculating manner throughout the divorce process, and do whatever your lawyer tells you .  But once you are through the legal process and the divorce, you should tell whoever the h-e-double toothpicks you want.  



April 20, 2024 7:06 pm  #5

Re: New to this

Hi mm3, just to second oohc - talking about happened to you, telling your story is not outing him.  

The deal I did with my ex is that I would not talk with his friends or go on Facebook and other than that I have talked freely.  Our families live far apart so that was pretty successful for him and also for me.

This was agreed privately by us and not put into writing, I mean it was almost non verbal but once done he agreed to go ahead with the divorce.


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