Jupiter1 wrote:

I am so exhausted with advice from professionals and the insistence of my spouse on his perspective, I am finding it hard to access my take on all this. Get angry. Acknowledge the unfairness of what has happened and switch your focus from seeing all the crap and nonsense you're getting from the man in a dress and push him to the back of your mind where he belongs.

1. I have a long standing therapist who thinks my spouse is mean and cross dressing is not a big deal. Not a big deal? Wtf! Long-standing or not I'd find a new therapist but research and check their 'leanings' first.
2. I consulted with a divorce coach on my own who is very LGBTQ friendly and spent my individual session trying to figure out where my spouse is on his gender journey. At his advice I started talking finances with my spouse who took offense and is battling me about day to day spending. I tend to be frugal, he is more indulgent with spending. Which is ok but he’s turning the tables on me and accusing me of excessive spending. This is how mediation will go I’m sure. Yeah...all the therapists & professionals you deal with should be focused on you. But you should be upfront and say "leave him out of this, who cares where he is "on his journey" You're here for me"
3. My spouse is controlling and interested in parsing his identifications with me . He’s also out and about in public dressing as a female at this point but unwilling to tell our kids about his cross dressing. He has a very coddling therapist who I believe is cheering him on at every turn. I feel very paranoid around him and truly feel he does not have the best interests of me or his children in mind. So take control of your side of this and thank your self-awareness you can see his lack of interest. 
Are the children asking questions? (not sure of their age but kids tend to see everything but say very little) Edited to say....if older...your children, and this is my personal opinion, deserve to be told by you. About what's happened/happening to you.

I really want to go and hide. Still not sleeping. Crying and finding it hard to focus on work. Maybe I need to slow down the finances/mediation process to regroup. I also just fired the LGBTQ divorce coach. Ugh you all are a Godsend, thank you for your support. High-5 for ditching the divorce coach. 
Do you have a close friend or family member you can offload all this on to? You know we've got your back but face to face is great for actually hearing what you're saying and having it reflected back to you which always helped me to think more clearly  

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (April 12, 2024 3:11 pm)

Hi Jupiter, 
I can’t give you advice about divorce as I was not married to my ex MTF partner.  
Mine was big time AGP, crossdressed in secret for who knows how long, until he decided to get out of his closet.  I split from him after 17 years of living together.  Currently he has a women’s persona via HRT, orchiectomy, women’s clothing, glittery jewelry, and legally changed his name and gender status..and who knows what else.  In our current climate, he is in the spotlight and adored for the fabulous advocacy of the LGBTQ world.  
what I want to say to you is that I understand the separate bedrooms, the lack of intimacy and the loneliness of having a partner that is checked out of a committed relationship.  I’m also old AF.  
Being mad is okay, it’s what will propel you into that strong mighty woman that will push you forward out of the biggest fight of your life.  End result you will feel calm. If you worry about being alone or lonely being single, just remember that you felt alone and lonely when partnered.  
For me, listening to music or podcasts helps prevent some stinking thinking,  of course there will be wobbles just feel the emotion and then let go of it.  A good cry happens a lot during this traumatic time of yours, 
Hold your head up high.  Those of us that walked in your shoes understand.  Keep us posted, we care.

I’m sorry to hear all the misery endured getting separated, divorced and the hell away from the exes,  but it does sound like there’s a solid amount of  freedom and peace  on the other side after the firestorm.  This is a sharp caring group and I’m grateful that you are here.  I thank you each for responding.

Thank you everyone, 🙏. I am trying to be conscious of not “wife-ing” —-OOHC, excellent idea.

I consulted an attorney this week who suggested moving forward on the sooner side. I’m feeling extremely avoidant but trying not to listen to that part of myself at all.

The attorneys said that amicable, guilty feelings— if present— tend to fade after 6 months post separation or so, and when a third party interest (his potential new boy/girl friend) is involved cooperation falls off rapidly. And soooo diving into this. Attorney suggested negotiating a settlement agreement right off which lays the terms of the ultimate divorce agreement . Talked to my STBX, dressed in pearls and a dress when I reached out; & he’s is up for it (wait-he’s not fighting for me? Nope). Option 1- my attorney sends a proposed settlement agreement to my spouse, spouse then runs it by his attorney. . Option 2- we go to mediation, come up with an agreement together, run it by our respective attorneys. One more protective off the bat for me, two maybe appeals to my stbx’s need for control and ends up in the same place. . The settlement agreement can be filed at any time.


When I reached out to my spouse to discuss, it was the first time I’ve seen him  fully  “dressed.” As it happened I was like, ok I’ve imagined this, I’ve know to be true, I’m ok. On the other hand it was so real. Ooffff.  Reality bites man. But also means I’m not imagining all of this. -& there’s a solid reason to go through the upset of divorce, separation of assets, my adult children’s pained reactions, and my diminished 401k. The alternative- my husband and I /somehow  together as we are now, for the rest of our days- feels impossible.

I’m getting to that point where it seems pulling the band-aid off is the best move. One big yank

Last edited by Jupiter1 (April 19, 2024 9:20 pm)

OOHC, I had the delayed reaction to the “all tarted up.” I think I was numb when I wrote my post and later it hit. As you said really confirms my need for life long separation. 4 years in, the AGP/obsession is growing, taking over. He’s more and more comfortable being full out in public. I’m still predictably lagging behind in-as in oh  sh** this is really happening.

So thankful for you all who (sadly) share this path of shocking turns in the road.