I was doing some random googling about straight spouse recovery and came across this youtube video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnMrY7ihQPk

A part of me would love to send this to my former spouse, but I doubt he would actually watch it or listen to anything in it. 

I can say, that out of everything that has happened in my story....the hardest thing for me has been not knowing "the truth". He never included me in any of it. I had no idea until he blindsided me with the information. And, this has been the hardest part....it's the fact that I trusted him, told him everything, relied on him, and saw him as my partner in life....and he never felt the same way. He never even tried to fill me in on the details of what happened in the marriage, or ever shared anything with me about his experience. The depth of pain this has caused is indescribable...

Looking back now, I can see that this was the part that was always off. And now, I can recognize the signs even when we were dating over 20 years ago. Now I can see the waving red flags, but at the time I had no idea what they meant (again, it just never occurred to me that anyone would just lie about something like this). I spent the entire marriage trying to be good enough, because I blamed myself for things being "off". He exploited my weaknesses and naivety. I would like to think that it wasn't malicious, but I honestly don't know anymore.

Looping back around, what still hurts me is his refusal to fill in any of the gaps. It has been incredibly frustrating, after devoting myself to our marriage for 20 years, that he cannot respect me enough to sit down and have a conversation about the relationship.

I don't care what he does with his life now. I have no desire to place blame, as it's over with now. I don't ever want to be a part of his life again. We will not be friends. He is not even capable of being kind or civil the majority of the time. But...I do care about what was going on in those 20 years we were married. And I do wish he had loved me enough, or cared about me enough to allow me that little piece to aid in healing.

In this youtube video, where she gives her two pieces of advice to the non-straight spouse - I wish more of these individuals were able to do this. And I truly envy those who were able to have one of these caring spouses who actually did help in any way they could to make the transition easier. I'm sure the journey was no where near easy, but I would think it at least helped somewhat.

I would have loved to be able to walk away from this with at least some good memories. But my former spouse has gone "burn the village down" style and made sure I know just how little he ever cared.

I am about to do mediation to try to settle the divorce stuff and I am struggling. I do not want to see him. I know that seeing this person in the flesh will deeply hurt because he will look like the person I love, but the hate in his eyes will cut deeply. I have requested that we be in separate rooms for the process. I feel kind of pathetic and I know he will be offended by the request....because he doesn't care. There is no love there. I am lower than pond scum in his eyes and he will hurt me without a second thought. And I'm just not at the point yet where I can take another one of his beatings. I have come a long way and I just really don't want to take anymore steps backward.....

Those who have gone through the divorce process (and struggled with anxiety/depression/low self esteem that was made a million times worse because of all this) - how did you handle the process? Did it go better than you thought?