My story starts about 6 months ago.  Now looking back and seeing all the red flags and mind games it started way before then.  I have been married 22 years to my husband.  We have struggled with our sex life after kids were born.  I got hormone pellets which helped my drive.  He would reject me.  He said it was because of the years of rejection I placed on him.  I have always had low self esteem etc.  He disclosed to me that he had a porn addiction.  He blamed me for continued use of porn due to the fact I did not want to have sex with him.  I could not understand when I initiated it he would still reject me.  The rejection of sex continued on and off for a couple of years.  It would get better at times worse at times.  He had told me about 3 years ago he was going to stop the porn.  On and off I would ask him if he had quite he said confirmed that he had.  He was in a virtual support group to stop.  
Two years later, we continued to drift apart staying together for the kids.  One is graduated the other is still 17.  
I admit we were that couple who focused on everyone else but our relationship we both were committed  to family despite the growing distance between the two  of us.  
He came from a home in which his dad was no where to be found divorced his mom and was raised by his mom and  his older brother who came out as gay this last year after their mom died.  I come from a close family with a strong supportive mother and father and family.  
My husband was the soul caretaker for his mother and I did not complain about that and supported him and her throughout her illnesses.  We even had a garage apartment renovated for her to live in before she had to go to the nursing home.  I knew she meant the world to him and my boys when they were little they got to see her every day.  Throughout our marriage he has complained about me putting my family first my aging father my other family members etc.  Which I do not understand, his mother lived in our back yard and on date nights when we would go out after she lived in the nursing home he would want to go by and see her which i never complained about.  
I come from a close family with a strong supportive mother and father and family so I understood his love and commitment  to his mother.   So I came to resent the fact he would get so angry at me for spending time with mine.  
This last 2 years as well he has just stayed on the couch and I knew he was suffering from depression.  My boys just wanted to go do things experience things "guy things"  my husband has always beat him self up at not being "a mans man"  knowing how to do thing sports things fix it things even small task around the house would just set him off and send him spiraling into a pitiful state of "I will never be good enough"  I begged him to go to counseling get new medicine.  Talk to someone.  So to protect the boys I took on the role of just getting out and doing as much stuff with them outside the house as I could.  I focused on work and paying off bills because I was not getting "fed"  with the love I needed and was just trying to provide the best for the boys.  They love their dad and he is a great dad.  
We continued to drift apart staying together for the kids.  One is graduated the other is still in highschool.  I admit we were that couple who focused on everyone else but our relationship we both were committed  to family despite the growing distance between the two  of us.   I knew we needed work I asked him to go to counseling for us etc.  
Skip to about a year ago, my mother in law died, my brother in law disclosed his being gay and told my husband it was the happiest he had ever been. my husband told me it did not surprise him.  
Our relationship continued to be strained even my sister noticed my husband getting short with me this last summer which he never does in public.  So I knew there was something wrong.  I am not saying I did not have my faults but I knew something was off.  One night he just blew up at my son.  We drove around and I asked him if this was the end "he said yes"  The next day we talked on the couch he settled down and he told me that he struggled with the same feelings his brother did.  I just took it as "oh you just long for a relationship with your dad which you never had"  I was in complete denial.  He told me the porn support group he belonged to was for SSA.  He has had a friend from that group that he has kept in contact with that was married struggled with SSA and porn and they were just support for one another.  I believe it may have been more.  He told me it was not. 
To make this story short I told him we need to tell the boys I am going to my sisters until he can find a new place.  He blew up and said you always  run to your family.  Is this what you want?  I said no if you want to work on us we can.   So he  strung me along being cold distant and I just gave him space I worked the the Love Dare book told him the SSA didn't matter as long as he truly wanted to be with me and would just come to terms with being OK in his own skin.  I would ask do you want to try "I don't know" this answer continued for 3 weeks or so, I started separating myself from the darkness and tried to get back to church.  I disclosed his secret to my Dr and friend who has helped me work through this.  I told my sister as well who loves my husband like her own brother.  
As I distanced myself he decided he wanted to try to stay together he said all the write things he will get counseling go back to church with me.  This lasted about 2 weeks then he blew up at me again and disclosed to me that he had also been in chat rooms with men and he was now looking at apartments.  I was struggling now and just wanted my husband back he was my best friend the one I leaned on when my mom got cancer and died we had some very good time especially when the boys were little.  We did have a good marriage and I thought we still had time to work on us.  Financially it was going to be hard for him I  make more, the holidays were coming and we decided he could stay until the first on the year.  Well that rolled around and again he broke down when it was time to sign the lease said he couldn't leave.  Crying to me and told me he would again get help etc.  I felt so good, the next day was good then he asked if I had told anyone about his porn use.  I told him I had just because another friends husband had the same problem.  He blew up told me he was leaving again.  I asked him do not tell the boys until he has a plan.  So another month rolled around he did not get any help for him self and did nothing except work couch and TV.  I told him it was time to leave.  He said he understood.  Signed a lease to an apartment. The next day cornered me and begged to stay one more time he said he would make it up to me all the right things to stay.  I knew I would not be strong enough to make him go.  It felt good again but I was still nervous about him changing his mind again but I said OK.  He asked me if I had told anyone about his SSA I told him friend and sister.   He said I can not trust you etc.  so he is planning again to move.  I am at a loss.  I am just numb.  I am broken.   He has projected anger  to me about me working too much, not cleaning the house good enough, I am a runner so complained about me running too much,  that he was the house wife when the kids were small, we both worked and if the kids were sick he did stay with them he had lots of sick time with his work I did not with my job.  I am lost and torn.  I think he needs to go get a dose of reality and move  and I have this suspicion that he has done more than just chat rooms with men.  
I love the idea of MOM working but he has got to be OK with himself.  I needed help and I needed to talk to someone it is like he has totally no thought process now of how this is making me feel. 
Help any advice would be appreciated.  Sorry my story is all over the place.  This forum has already helped me so much the similarities of stories is mind-blowing and honestly the only thing keeping me going right now. 
 

Last edited by Thelight (April 4, 2024 11:20 am)