Thank you for writing Alex. In response to your latest post: 

1. A bit about my background to paint the picture of where I started in my journey. I grew up in Europe with liberal views on LGBTQ+, I would have NEVER considered myself homophobic and have always supported gay rights. Thinking back, however, I was probably more homophobic than I thought. I always felt uncomfortable (and maybe still do in some situations) seeing two people of the same sex kiss and have never watched gay porn. When I first saw my husband's "collection", [of gay porn] I was shocked and thought it was utterly disgusting. Yet also weirdly, I found it arousing. It's actually a normal reaction of our brain, but it can feel very disorientating.

Thank you for your honesty. 

2. In the last four months all I did was trying to UNDERSTAND. Understand him, but also the wider gay/bi community. And ultimately, understand why the Universe has sent me this trial and what I needed to learn from it. I had endless conversations with my husband trying to understand the nature and history of his same-sex attraction, spent several hours on my personal counseling, and read multiple books and online resources. I started following a cute gay married couple on YouTube. I watched gay porn.

He's lucky to have you! Question: what has he done to work on himself and your relationship? 

3. My husband and I went to a few gay bars and explored Grndr together. And, yes, we also had a threesome with a bi guy, on which I insisted as I felt it was an important part of my exploration, as well as his. He didn't mind.

Question: what was his reaction to having sex with another man? Most straight spouses I've exchanged with over the years are SHOCKED at how turned on their husbands are when interacting sexually with another man. Their self-proclaimed "curious" husbands often demonstrate a level of experience and enthusiasm that confirms he's done much more than just watch gay porn online. Was this your experience? 

4. It's important to note, that while all of the above experiences provided a lot of new information, they were also quite overwhelming and unsettling at times (reading this forum was probably top of the list). It was critically important to be able to make sense of them - for me it was counseling and almost daily meditation. While this has been a rollercoaster, I feel like I am in a much better space right now.

Good for you. Again he's very lucky to have such an open-minded wife. 

5. I have accepted my husband's same-sex attraction and it doesn't provoke a negative reaction in me anymore. Weirdly, again, I am curious about it. It even started to feel somewhat arousing thinking about him with another guy. Don't ask me how it works, but it just does.

Your body, your sexuality, your marriage = your choice my friend. 

6. In terms of our relationship, it feels very strong. He says he has no desire or intention to hookup with guys on his own. He also says that if he ever feels a romantic connection he would never act on it, unless I was fully onboard.

Understood. Question: does he want to have future threesomes (male + male + female) and/or perhaps explore polyamory? The tipping point in most gay/straight relationships happens when the closeted/questioning husband refuses to have sex with his long-neglected wife, then suddenly demands permission to cheat while rationalizing this is necessary to save the marriage. 

7. I know that when/if he sees or touches a guy in a sexual context, it doesn't change him, or us, or our relationship. The threesome has really demystified this for me. The fact that he likes guys doesn't take anything away from our relationship. He still wants me - sexually, romantically and as a partner. In fact, he probably now wants me more.

Good! 

8. I know we are still early days and in the post-disclosure "honeymoon period", but so far so good and I will keep posting my updates here. Stay strong!

Caution: in my experience, marriage is more of a marathon than a sprint. I agree that you might be in the post-disclosure/threesome "honeymoon" phase. Often the real relationship challenges present themselves 4-6 months following discovery/disclosure of his attraction to men. If, however, you and your husband can integrate his attraction to men in a way that brings you closer and satisfies you both sexually, then enjoy! Sadly, most straight spouses are married to husbands who have little to no sexual attraction to his wife (her). Unlike you, a threesome with another man sometimes does very little to improve their troubled marriage. The threesome is more like opening a pink Pandora's box after which the formerly closeted husband starts brazenly cheating on her with men. So what's my point? You have gone above and beyond to help your husband. I hope he's putting in as much or more effort to support you and your marriage. I also hope that things work out between the two of you. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (March 27, 2024 5:00 am)

Ldx_2021 wrote:

I'm not spamming the site and already sent Sean some questions but again already deleted bc of the insane prejudice against the other man of all wives stories,

Sorry, but your little problem is not of interest to the users of this forum, which is indeed for those who were left behind by people like the guy you have a crush on. It's not your path it is OUR path. As I said you are welcome to send Sean a PM if you really want to know his opinion or insight. However, any further public posts will be deleted as they are not of interest to the users of this forum and may prove hurtful. 
 

Thank you Sam for your admin work; often a thankless job. Alex I'm going to reply to your last post. This might sting a bit friend. You wrote: 

Answers to your questions:

Q: what has he done to work on himself and your relationship?
A: Weekly therapy, countless conversations with me, true and honest reflections, being open to new experiences. He has also pushed his therapist to switch from individual to couple's counseling for us. His words were "why the f*ck would I want to be enlightened and self-aware about my sexuality without you?". I think there are still some defense mechanisms and internalised homophobia at play, but he is breaking through them ruthlessly. He is also always there to support me when I have my own little breakdowns.

While I'm not a mental health professional, I believe he should continue with individual therapy for at least 3-6 months. Most straight wives who jump immediately into couple's counselling find themselves getting blamed for not doing enough to support their questioning/closeted husbands. I'd also recommend you continue going to individual counselling for yourself as I firmly believe there are no "little" breakdowns. Just my opinion friend. 

Q: What was his reaction to having sex with another man?
A: Not too wild, in my view, but it is very subjective. Two women could look at identical behaviors and give completely opposite assessments. I trust him when he says he's never been with a guy. I don't however think it is necessarily telling much about his sexuality. The guy wasn't fully his type. His type is a bit of a unicorn, Abercrombie & Fitch catalog type (what's up with that, by the way, being so picky/specific?? He is not as specific with women he likes.)

This is a bit vague friend so I'll ask more direct questions:

1. Did he kiss, suck, penetrate or was penetrated by another man?
2. If yes, did he appear to enjoy any or all of the above?
3. Did he focus more on you, the other man, or focus equally on both of you during your threesome? 
 
While most closeted husbands can pretend to be the perfect straight husband, there is little lying in the bedroom...particularly with another man. If I remember correctly, you and your husband always had an active and satisfying sex life. Most straight spouses who post here have husbands who refuse to have sex with them and yet suddenly come alive when another man is in the bedroom. 

Q: does he want to have future threesomes (male + male + female) and/or perhaps explore polyamory?
A: His answer to that is "too much admin", but I think this may change if/when an opportunity presents itself,  we'll see. He doesn't want an open relationship as he is worried I might find someone better/less complicated. I mean, he'd be hard to replace, but his concern is probably somewhat valid. Women are wired differently. In an open relationship, he'd be attracted/looking for young and muscular (and probably narcissistic), while I'd be attracted to smart,  balanced and successful. This can get into a danger zone for any relationship.

Thank you. Going forward, please pay attention to how he acts and more specifically what he asks for. And please keep in mind that you should never feel pressured to do anything...particularly with a man other than your husband. 

I hope that helps friend. Be well! 

Q: Still interested to hear your thought on being very fussy/particular on the "type" of a guy?

A: There is a chapter in one of my favourite trashy books ("19 Purchase Street" by Gerald A. Browne) in which the main (male) character Gainer gets hit on by a young (female) model in a NYC nightclub. All of this happens when Leslie, his long-term girlfriend/lover, is away. Gainer immediately discloses it to Leslie when they next see one another. Leslie is trying to gage Gainer's interest in "the competition" and asks, "How was she styled?" He then launches into a disturbingly detailed description of the other woman's hair, makeup, and dress. Leslie surmises, "If he wasn't sexually interested, why then does he have a photographic memory of what she looked like that night?" Fair point IMHO. 

So what's my point? The fact that your husband has a type, has clearly thought about it, articulated it to you, and was apparently disappointed that he didn't have a sexual adventure with his type could be totally harmless. But you felt the need to ask me about it...twice. After years of exchanges with straight spouses, I'd prefer to call that a pink flag: meaning something to closely monitor. The fact that he has a type, different from your own, will likely result in two scenarios: 

1. He tries to integrate his type into your next male + male (husband) + female (you) threesome. Relatively safe because you have some degree of control/consent. 
2. He uses the excuse, "Well I found this new guy and he isn't your type so I'd like to see him alone." Pink flag. 

So what now? I'd recommend being 100% clear/concise regarding your boundaries. If you consider unauthorized one-on-one hookups with outside partners cheating then you should tell him now. I would also be 100% clear that any violation of this rule, if this is indeed your main boundary/rule, then he should understand that breaking this rule will effectively end the relationship. No grace nor quarter given for violating this boundary. I hope that helps.   

Last edited by Sean01 (March 28, 2024 1:53 pm)

Thank you Alex. In reply: 

"Unauthorised hook-up or in fact any failure to disclose a sexual behaviour (e.g. deleted messages on Grindr or a flirty exchange at work) at this stage would be the end of our relationship and I made it VERY clear to him. I know this maybe a bit too controlling, but for now it is what I need. After all, he broke my trust by not dislosing (or at least grossly underplaying) same-sex attraction when we got together and the gay porn watching during our relationship, so I think I need him to "over-disclose" for a while to rebuild the trust." 

I don't think the above are too controlling...and I'll even raise you one my friend. Take 10-15 mins and write out a complete list of relationship ending behaviours for both of you. For example: 

THE FOLLOWING BEHAVIOURS/ACTIVITIES WILL IMMEDIATELY RESULT IN SEPARATION/DIVORCE: 
- Flirting with a man/men without the other spouse present, either in-person or online
- Texting/messaging with a man/men without the other spouse's knowledge and consent.
- Sex with a man/men without the other spouse present, either in-person or online
- Virtual/cam sex with a man/men without the other spouse's knowledge and consent...

Your husband will promise to stop but (believe me) will not stop watching gay porn, so you should come up with some reasonable limits regarding his porn viewing. You get the idea. Take it from a gay ex-husband who has cheated and heard about some pretty spectacular justifications, excuses, and lies here over the years. Then print two copies of your list - one for you and one for him - and post it somewhere visible to the both of you; and yet private (like a bathroom or walk-in closet) so your children don't find it. I hope that helps friend. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (March 29, 2024 3:51 am)