I also hate the idea of co-parenting with my soon-to-be-ex.  I'd like her to abandon us and move far far away and leave the kids to me. 

But then I remember that it's not just about me.  What's more important is my kids.  I don't want them to grow up without one of their parents, even if I don't like her. 

What do you think is best for your kids for this year?  Do you think repeating a traditional Christmas would be best or do you think establishing a new normal would be best?    I can't answer that..  you have to think about it. 

Just remember to keep the kids best interests in mind. 

Lorax,

You're doing great - better than great if you were actually able to form a plan, lay out your boundaries, and deliver that all in no uncertain terms to your ex, and doing it all without much emotion involved.  That's HARD!  But Lorax, you're THERE! YOU'RE DOING IT!!!  Give yourself credit where it's due.  Pat yourself on the back and reward yourself in some way.  I'm not kidding - this is huge progress!

It's never going to be easy to hear how you're being selfish, angry, bitter, or unreasonable.  Never more than when those things AREN'T true.  What she's doing by calling you those things is trying to bait you into proving that you're not those things by letting her have her way.  Who made her the exclusive keeper of her childrens' hearts?  They can ONLY be happy if you're all together?  That's simply not true.  And they will see that.  Heck, call them ahead of time to talk about it with them - about how much fun you're all going to have.  What kinds of stuff would they like to do on Christmas Eve?  Do they they want to go carrolling?  Drive around and look at lights? Watch a favorite few Christmas movies together and make stovetop s'mores and drink eggnog until they puke?  What time do they want to open their presents?  Right away so they can play with them, or later, after a suspenseful evening of fun?  You put these things in their hands, and you'll not only know how to make them happiest, but also how to build some excitement for this separate, NEW holiday.  Just watch them come in all glowing and excited.  I guarantee it.  Keep building upon that every day, because their mom WILL try to make the worst of the situation.  She'll tell them that Christmas Eve without them will make her sad/lonely, or that it's just not a holiday without us all together - family is most important.  But if they're excited, they'll figure out how to handle it with her by clamming up, or telling her that her viewpoint on this isn't important.  If they love the plan, she's powerless to affect your kids' happiness.  And that's how it's ALWAYS going to be.  If your kids are happy and have a good, trusting, fun relationship with you, almost nothing she says or does can affect that.

The last part of what I want to say is about visualization.  You know how to not react to her now.  It's not without feelings, but you know how to do it.  And guess what? That's infuriating for her!  As long as she can upset you with her words, she has control over you.  The more you rise above her BS, the more bananas she's gonna go.  And you can just kind of watch and laugh (from within your head).  Think of it as a dog behind a strong, chain-link fence.  They can bark and run in circles and foam at the mouth - but you're safe.  You're in no danger unless that dog is off the chain, running at you.  She's been put behind the fence now, buddy.  She's no longer in your home, in your heart, cutting you up from the inside.  She's all bark now.  Let her foam at the mouth.  I mean, if my ex accuses me of being selfish when I know it's just a ploy to manipulate me, then I say, "Okay".  If he tells me that he needs to get X from me, I calmly say, "Okay, did you want to go back to court for that?"  He shuts up real fast.  I do it all so deadpan calm that he knows he can't upset me anymore.  Because only people you truly love, admire and respect can upset you to that level.  I personally have a hard time not getting catty in that type of situation.  If he goes apeshit bananas, I say, "Wow, you seem really upset.  You gonna be okay?"  As if he just can't control himself and I'm the level-headed one.  It f'ing WORKS.  They don't want to engage anymore when their little tantrums backfire on them and make you look like the only one in control.

Enjoy the holidays, buddy!

Kel

I'm so excited for you! Make a list of fun options for the kids - or make different planned evenings, and let them choose.  Depending on where you live and what there is to do in the area (and the kids ages), you can have different "themes":

Lights, Sound Action (works best in a big city):
Possibilities - looking at the city decorations - Macy's windows, horse-drawn carriage ride, hot cocoa and warm churros to warm up.

Home bodies:
Make holiday shrinky dinks or those old ones you can still buy at the craft store with metal frames and little glass chips to make stained glass windows.  Or cheaper - wooden ornaments that they paint.  Gingerbread house kits or cookie decorating. Holiday music. Tons of silliness.

Movie madness:
Favorite Christmas movies, home-made popcorn balls, snuggling under warm blankets with only the tree lights on. Making cookies for Santa.

If the kids all pick different options, ask which part of that plan they like the best, and then do those things.

Also, there's this fun thing I've seen online called a random acts of kindness advent calendar.  A little thing to do every day that you can all talk about each evening - writing a thank you card to someone who helps you, helping a neighbor out, saying hello to someone most people ignore, being kind to an animal, etc.  Free, downloadable calendars. Fun!

Or ask the kids to come up with 5 ideas each for a winter bucket list, and work one one every weekend you have them.  Sledding, making snow angels, bowling bonanza, movie night, whatever they can think of. Your kids will be so excited to see you that you'll be thrilled!

Kel

That was a great video, love the quote "We will be missing the constant pressure to do specific things..." and that is so her. She has her image of the perfect Christmas and insists on everything be done exactly her way every time. My mind reading "abilities" suspect that I'm wanted so that she can shop for more gifts with my half of the money and continue the illusion. Whatever her reasons, I'm loving the idea of finally doing something new for Christmas.

Jk, this may sound strange, but what if you and the kids met him at a movie theater or restaurant, and made that your family Christmas? That requires very little interaction, it's different, and less invasive than him in your home or your youngest unhappy. Would he go for that?

Good luck. Plan well so you don't have to be alone, but sounds like you've got that covered.