Abby wrote:

my recommendation is to skip the couples therapy and get a therapist for yourself to help you address what you are feeling. Obviously he is getting something from time spent in these friendships but where are you getting positive feedback?

Wine, chocolate and Hallmark movies are not good answers.
 
 

I completely agree. Thanks to the advice of this group when i posted originally I changed to individual therapy right away.

roxie89 wrote:

Thank you for posting. Both of us have been in separate therapy and getting along and sharing life responsibilities has been better. However I just want to acknowledge I do appreciate the posts and a lot of it does make sense. Therapy has suggested the lack of a bond / emotional connection could definitely stem from mild elements of a personality disorder/childhood trauma etc.. But in terms of is he gay....

Let me start from the beginning. My initial post was kind of in response to something that had happened over time. He had a male friend who he involved in every aspect of our life. He did spend a lot of time with this guy, almost every single day, away from me so I cannot vouch for what occurred. They definitely built an emotional bond but I never witnessed any sexual activity. I grew up in the city and am very open etc.. sometimes i would get vibes off this male friend that he acted homophobic. He was uncomfortable about any conversations around men having sex with men. Near the end of this friendship I would find sexual things in his texts to my spouse. One time he said he was putting a photo of my husband in his 'spank bank' and a few other things. This situation was more of what I was feeling at the time in regards to the non-sexual stuff. They really seemed to build this bond that him and I dont have at all. 

However, the friendship ended with this guy stealing from us. Once we figured this out and he was asked to leave us alone he stalked my spouse for almost a year!! He was sending texts stating they were soulmates and stuff along those lines. It actually got to the point where I thought I would have to call the cops. He was contacting everyone we knew begging them to speak to my spouse to get him to become his friend again. 

Once all this came to a head I found my spouse having this same sexual banter with a second friend!!! Hes know this guy for many years and they used to talk maybe every few months. During this time I checked our phone records and he was talking to this guy several times a week, while driving to work etc.. for hours at a time. 

The biggest thing for me is that I did in fact establish boundaries on these sexual messages by the time i found out about this second but am still seeing them. There is now a THIRD friend over the last 2 years that I know of. I am not snooping either its just what I find by mistake (went to plug my phone in and his was on charger and it pops up, or they show on his computer when im using it). I have confronted him and he just says - oh I dont know why X does that. I have not brought myself to snoop and quite frankly he is good at cleaning his data. 

The latest message was from the third male friend saying something along the lines of 'good morning my sexy'. They dont live in the same state so do not see each other in person. However I went away for a few days and one of the sexual messages I saw were of the same lines but they wanted to plan a video call when I was gone. I let the trip come and go to see if he would tell me about this call - if its just  a friend why not. Never did. I did eventually confront him and tell him i saw the messages and he just says they never had the call. 

To me he seems gay in denial and I guess am back on here trying to wrap my head around that. I have tried talking to him ensuring him I would never be mad. He got irate. While I do prefer men, i have had relationships with women myself before him and would be nothing but supportive. He just 100% denies it all and says the messages are nothing but jokes. 

With therapy hes been a lot better in many ways but I also just get this feeling all the time that a lot of the relationship side of things - being intimate, affectionate, actual interest in me etc.. is just something that is just not coming natural and maybe improving because of therapy and I have confronted him on above. 

 

Those messages are huge red flags. Sraight men very likely wouldn't be exchanging "good morning" texts.

A bit of an update. I am working on the separation. I don’t need concrete proof or to experience this and all that goes with it anymore - lying, gaslighting, emotional abuse. The process and his attacks have been very difficult so not much to say. Just preserving energy to get to the other side of it.

I appreciate the comments and support definitely has kept me on track to start and now go through the process. i do keep coming back to read (and others stories) to remind myself what is going on here through a sea of lies and attacks. Thank you!