OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Wife came out yesterday
Sebastian wrote:
......I am hoping to connect with other LGBTQ+ people just to help better understand the experience my wife is going through. I want to talk to her about it, but I feel having a third party to talk to that I am not so emotionally invested in would be a good way to see this situation a little more objectively. I'm curious if any one else has done this and if it really is a good idea?.....
I can only give you my personal experience and opinion. Why connect with a community the woman you married now belongs to? It would be like a person who's afraid of heights asking a sky-diver with a thousand jumps behind him explain why he does it (lol probably a bad analogy but....)
My experience of trying to talk to an lgbtq counsellor was peppered with "let him be authentic" statements and it left me feeling empty and unanswered.
You may have better luck
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Wife came out yesterday
Hi Sebastian,
This is what, day 2 or day 3. You're doing amazingly well.
I see the closet like a deep dark hole. Being a persistent sort, I am going to push you a bit and ask if you have told anyone in your family that your wife has told you she is a lesbian? ie, are you still keeping the secret? Good as it is you have found us, good as it is to get that social connection with your family going, both great steps to have taken, it is when you confide in someone in your life that you get that grounded feeling and that's so important. It's not about telling on her, it's for you, someone you can confide in - that's enough to get you out of her closet. And you grounded is enough to stop the whole family being a closet.
Yes, I think one of the first things we do is talk to lgbtq+ people, I talked to a young friend who had known us both since he was 8. He went haring off to talk to ex hoping to get some acknowledgement of his gayness only to get rebuffed - my ex loves his closet more than anyone. And look how many pages are on Sean's thread - he might be good for you to talk to. He doesn't comment outside his thread so you need to post there if you want to.
I just want to add some time in the dim distant future some time in the mists of the path ahead you will be able to look back at this time, your heart wrung with compassion for your younger self and feel so proud of yourself - things will get better. You are a good person with a future ahead of you and doing everything right.
- Sebastian
- New member
Offline
Re: Wife came out yesterday
Hey, thanks Ellerigg. I appreciate the kind words!
I will check that subreddit out.
As for the pain, I am realizing it is only temporary, and acting on these temporary feeling jeopardizes the permanence of the relationship I have with my wife now. As of the end of today we have agreed to get divorced, but maintain our living situation with the exception of me moving to a new room and in the course of the next year we will try to find a home near us to buy in addition to ours. We have a shared dream of having our children able to walk between our houses and their new families freely, and that is a light at the end of this tunnel I know we can make real. Ultimately, I support my wife's decision to come out, and just want her to be happy. We are a team of parents and friends and I may be losing a romantic partner but I refuse to lose my best friend. So I've decided not to fight for one for fear of losing the other. It feels really good just letting go in a lot of ways. Of course, I still hurt, but like you said, the pain will pass.
- •
Thread Starter- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: Wife came out yesterday
Probably not what you were hoping for, but you know where you stand. There will still be some difficult days, especially once she decides to get out there. Some even see their former spouse enter into a new adolescence, blind to adult responsibilities and decision making. Don't neglect yourself and cultivate your new life. Emotionally detaching yourself from her new life will be important for your mental health. It's not an ending, something new is beginning for you.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Sebastian
- New member
Offline
Re: Wife came out yesterday
Hey Daryl,
You have it just right. It's not what I hoped for, but knowing where I stand is the groundwork for my future as an individual. My wife mentioned there is a second puberty that can happen with coming out, and I am hoping if this is what happens that she can be graceful and good through it. One of the biggest struggles I have is just having to trust that things will be okay and having trust she will not act irrationally. We have been together a long time and I know how important stability is to her so I hope she won't waver on that, but only time will tell I suppose.
That last part of emotionally detaching is the BIG work I need to do. I am so drawn to her still, and she is my number one person for support emotionally and I am having to push into my social and family circles in a way that I haven't before. Thankfully, I have built strong long-term relations with friends and family and there is support everywhere I have turned so far. Even so, that detaching I feel is just coming in the form of pain above all else my number one goal is to work on processing that pain in healthy ways.
Thanks for the insightful and concise reply, it is much appreciated. I apologize for being overly verbose. Typing this stuff out really helps me articulate my thoughts.
- •
Thread Starter- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: Wife came out yesterday
Type away. Many of us find it helps us figure things out. It's also a good reminder of things if you read it later.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Sebastian
- New member
Offline
Re: Wife came out yesterday
......I am hoping to connect with other LGBTQ+ people just to help better understand the experience my wife is going through. I want to talk to her about it, but I feel having a third party to talk to that I am not so emotionally invested in would be a good way to see this situation a little more objectively. I'm curious if any one else has done this and if it really is a good idea?.....
I can only give you my personal experience and opinion. Why connect with a community the woman you married now belongs to? It would be like a person who's afraid of heights asking a sky-diver with a thousand jumps behind him explain why he does it (lol probably a bad analogy but....)
My experience of trying to talk to an lgbtq counsellor was peppered with "let him be authentic" statements and it left me feeling empty and unanswered.
You may have better luck
Elle
I hear that, but my partner never cheated on me and has never actually done anything really lesbian.... That is not to say she isn't sure she is a lesbian. She has spent time around other queer people, and after talking to her I do trust she hasn't gone behind my back. Again, we have a solid relationship so far. She's just really struggling with all of this in her own way, and ultimately I feel the need to understand it in order to make it feel less personal to me. That's met take at least, I think I'm just trying to see it in an almost analytical way on some level, though not entirely. I'm hoping it will help with the emotional attachment piece.
- •
Thread Starter- Sebastian
- New member
Offline
Re: Wife came out yesterday
Hi Sebastian,
This is what, day 2 or day 3. You're doing amazingly well.
I see the closet like a deep dark hole. Being a persistent sort, I am going to push you a bit and ask if you have told anyone in your family that your wife has told you she is a lesbian? ie, are you still keeping the secret? Good as it is you have found us, good as it is to get that social connection with your family going, both great steps to have taken, it is when you confide in someone in your life that you get that grounded feeling and that's so important. It's not about telling on her, it's for you, someone you can confide in - that's enough to get you out of her closet. And you grounded is enough to stop the whole family being a closet.
Yes, I think one of the first things we do is talk to lgbtq+ people, I talked to a young friend who had known us both since he was 8. He went haring off to talk to ex hoping to get some acknowledgement of his gayness only to get rebuffed - my ex loves his closet more than anyone. And look how many pages are on Sean's thread - he might be good for you to talk to. He doesn't comment outside his thread so you need to post there if you want to.
I just want to add some time in the dim distant future some time in the mists of the path ahead you will be able to look back at this time, your heart wrung with compassion for your younger self and feel so proud of yourself - things will get better. You are a good person with a future ahead of you and doing everything right.
thanks for the push. I have told my brother and my mom that she came out as lesbian. Ultimately they kind of stand in the same boat, where they love us both, and want things to be okay. They're not judgmental, and my family is really quite open minded I suppose, so I didn't have any fears there. One of the biggest hardships is my wife coming out to her family, because she has not yet, and I do not know how that will play out as her family is much more conservative. I am hoping that will not cause her to double back into needing intense amounts of emotional support as I am pushing myself to detach from her and that would make it extremely challenging. And when I say detach I do not mean wholly and cruelly, but I just can't feel the same for her as I have and I know that needs to change.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Wife came out yesterday
Okay that's great. I know you must still be in shock but it sounds like your family is very supportive, that's so good. And you're out from the shadow of the closet - I think that helps so much.
The elephant in the room is the finances. This is the topic behind the scenes for both you and your wife. In separating the point comes where even though you share the same children, instead of being partners building a pot, you are now competitors for the contents of the same pot - and you don't get a rerun.
Being able to run things by your family will be super helpful.
Last edited by lily (March 8, 2024 3:06 pm)