No. I have not nagged nor asked nor made passes for sex in quite sometime. Divorce is not easy because I do realize that I have been gas lighted and brainwashed, Being able to be financially independent has taken a little time, Purchased my very first house and have a great job. I want to know though, because I want to know the why's etc,, So, I have another piece of memory I want your input on. My husband's classmates mother passed away and we went to the funeral, Weeks prior, he left his phone at home and I answered it, It was a man that I had never heard of nor recognized the number, I was not nice to this person at all, Well, he was at this funeral and we were introduced and he was very ugly to me, Really pissed me off and was very strange,He brought up the conversation we had on the phone and acted like a diva, I do not know how I did not get arrested, After the funeral we were driving home, (I never mentioned this person again or brought it up), My husband says to me and pointing in a direction to some houses- That is where so and so lives, We have been friends since school, I turned and said - I never asked you about this person and  why would you feel it important to say anything? (I mean this man confronted me at the funeral like a significant other would)  I got this awful pit in my stomach and then I just knew that something else had taken place or more to the story, What's your opinion?  I have to know because I am not taking this lightly and want EVERY SINGLE SUSPICION ADDRESSED whether it be fact, opinion, or whatever,, I will always love this man, 

Thank you for writing OSD. In reply: 

I got this awful pit in my stomach and then I just knew that something else had taken place or more to the story, What's your opinion?  I have to know because I am not taking this lightly and want EVERY SINGLE SUSPICION ADDRESSED whether it be fact, opinion, or whatever,, I will always love this man. 

I'm afraid I don't have enough information to have an opinion my friend. But my question remains: what now? You might be doing something all spouses - gay or straight - do before separation/divorce: delaying/bargaining. Many of the straight spouses I've corresponded with over the years do the following: 

1. We no longer have sex and haven't had sex in 10 years, but I need more proof. 
2. I caught him on gay porn, but I need more proof.
3. I caught him cheating with men, but I need more proof.
4. He's emotionally abusive, but I still love him.  
5. He won't admit that he's gay and I can't divorce until I hear him say, "I'm gay." 
6. I want to divorce, but I need [insert impossible thing here] before filing.

Based on the information you have provided here, you are in a sexless and emotionally abusive relationship with a closeted man. You appear to be more friends/roommates than husband/wife. So my question is: what more will it take to free yourself and this man from this toxic marriage? How much longer are you willing to wait? Perhaps it's time to stop playing detective and take action. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean01 (February 12, 2024 4:00 am)

Thank you for writing Alex. In reply: 

1. About three months ago I found an excessive collection of gay porn on my husband's phone. There was straight (M+F) porn, too. When I confronted him, he said that he thinks he is bi-sexual. He is 57 and says he has never been with a man sexually or romantically.

Understood. 

2. He has [a bit] of a muscle worship fetish and says he is attracted to some guys at the gym and occasionally on the street, but claims it never goes beyond this physical/platonic attraction.

You used "a bit" which I would re-write as, "He has a muscle worship fetish..." There is no need to minimize. 

3. Since we spoke, he also started reporting every time he sees an attractive woman. It feels like he is "keeping count" on how many women vs men he turned his head for.

Question: did you notice him looking at attractive women before your conversation about his sexuality? 

4. He wants to stay in our marriage and says that just talking about it with me helps him. I offered him to open up our relationship and start seeing other people, but he claims he has no urge in sleeping with guys (or other women).

Please keep in mind that most mixed orientation marriages (MOMs) succeed because the couple choose to remain monogamous. Sadly, many straight spouses in your situation feel they have to immediately open up their relationships to save their marriages, only to regret it later.  

5. As we started talking over the last three months, it appears he does have a strong re-occurring cuckolding fantasy involving me and another guy, where the guy has to be the way he likes them (young and ripped) and not at all the way I like them (successful, smart and sophisticated). In general, I am open to mixing things up (fun!), but I just have a sinking feeling this may all be simply a drawn-out journey into the "gay-hood" and I am just there to hold his hand (not fun!).

I would suggest consulting with a sex therapist. In my unprofessional opinion, you two are moving much too fast. Most couples in MOMs follow a simple rule: wait 6 months to 1 year before opening up their relationships. Turning now to your question, "cuck" fantasies are quite common among closeted/questioning husbands. The husband is essentially using his wife as a sexual avatar, watching her have sex with men because he fantasizes about having sex with such men. You mentioned that your husband has a muscle fetish so perhaps we can assume he's trying to get you to have sex with men he would like to have sex with himself. First and foremost, you are not his sex toy. You and only you get to choose if/when to open your marriage, after prayerful consideration. Second, if you do choose to open your relationship and have sex with another man, you and only you get to choose any future partners. 

6. We entertained the idea of inviting a woman as a third and I feel like he is playing along but has a lot less interest/energy for this.

This isn't surprising. I don't have a lot of information about your relationship but I'm happy to share my thoughts. Here are some common signs that a woman is in a relationship with a man attracted to men: 

1. He's the youngest child. 
2. He was teased as a child/teenager for being gay. 
3. Growing up most of his friends were girls. 
4. He avoided organised sports, preferring choir, theatre, or the arts. 
5. He had an "encounter" with another boy in school but paints it as a sexual assault. 
6. He rarely initiates sex with his wife/girlfriend. 
7. When having sex wife his wife/girlfriend, he avoids deep kissing and appears detached. 
8. He watches gay porn or masturbates on camera with other men. 

Here are the common signs that a husband is cheating with men.

1. He develops an obsessive interest in physical fitness. 
2. His appearance (new haircut + glasses) changes and there is a wardrobe change (sexy underwear + younger styles). 
3. He starts shaving his body. 
4. His wife finds his tickle trunk with Viagra, butt plugs, jockstraps, and lube. 
5. A new male friend or office mate suddenly shows up and they act like lovestruck teenagers or spend "Brokeback Mountain" weekends away. 
6. Sex with his wife/girlfriend suddenly stops.   

If your husband is 57 years old then he has likely hidden his attraction to men for most of his life. You also mentioned a "blended" family so am I safe to assume this is a second or third marriage for him? If yes, that too is a red flag. Like me (52 YO) your husband also came of age during the worst of the AIDS crisis when the narrative was that being gay = dying a horrible, sinful death. So while I applaud you for being so open and accepting, I urge you to perhaps slow down as far as opening up your relationship and perhaps consult with a sex therapist. I hope that helps Alex. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (February 21, 2024 4:22 am)

He also tells me categorically that he has reflected on it sinse we spoke and he doesn't want to have sex with a guy, yet he accepts he is attracted. I'm not sure what to make of it.

Sean! You are awesome - a true asset to this forum! And funny, too.

I really appreciate your concern, but I am not exactly easily scared. Trust me, the reels I have in my head can hardly be topped by any reasonable version of reality (I had time to catch up on quite a bit of the content he so carefully collected!) If my husband's behaviour around another man presents itself as gay and he is showing passion and/or experience that I've never seen before - then off the cliff our marriage goes - better for both of us! Hopefully, it will also accelerate his own journey.

If he turns out to be bi, then this can be a good opportunity for me to explore how I feel about it and whether this is something I hate or can tolerate or even enjoy.

Thanks, man, you are brilliant!