Thank you for sharing friend. I'm so very sorry you're suffering at the moment and for your recent loss. In response to your question: 

"I am unsure if I should tell his children, do they have a right to know?" 

No. While I applaud you for sharing this discovery here I would not recommend sharing any shocking details with his mourning children. If you feel the need to unburden yourself, I'd recommend talking about it with a therapist, or perhaps speaking with close friends/family who are not in regular contact with your step children.

This mirrors a similar situation: namely the ex-wife whose gay husband remarries another women. The ex-wife often feels the need to warn the new wife/partner and I always advise against it. So what's my point? Children in gay/straight households are born into a culture of secrets and denial. As such, there is a very high likelihood that your step children already knew dearly departed dad's dirty little secrets...and have chosen to hide them. So sharing with them might actually blow up in your face if they've spent years hiding dad's secrets. And if for any reason they didn't know, the news that dad was a cross-dressing, dildo riding closet case might traumatize them. So I'd work through all of this on your own but without disclosing anything to them. I hope that helps. 

Last edited by Sean01 (February 1, 2024 5:01 am)

Thank you for writing Norsewoman. In reply: 

1. Thanks it has helped.

Excellent. 

2. I had a massive lightbulb moment, even fireworks went off. I think his daughter knew something, she would give me presents but not her father.

It's quite common for daughters of closeted/questioning fathers to learn dad's secret; and often feel obliged to hide it from mom and others for fear of causing a divorce. This results in terrible emotional and psychological damage because these children are forced to be dad's secret keepers. Women are highly intuitive, more so than men I reckon, and daughters often have very close relationships with their fathers. This compounds a daughter's stress because she feels that any disclosure would threaten the relationship with her father. So she suffers in silence. You mentioned in your first post that your now-deceased husband was a cross dresser who recorded himself having sex...with toys and perhaps with men. This would be very hard to keep secret in a busy household with tech-savvy children. In fact, most kids see dad's racy emails, porn history, and d*ck pics before mom. In the modern age, most cheating dads (like me) get caught because we leave massive electronic trails. This is how my (then) wife caught and confronted me. 

3. His son is a pathological lying drug addict. Both put their mother on a pedestal but their treatment of their father was horrible and I could never understand, but I do now.

It sounds like the son is mirroring his father's behaviours; something I've seen over my years of posting here. While the daughter often internalizes dad's cheating/homosexuality, the son sometimes violently acts out or abuses drugs...or both. Given what you've shared, I think it's safe to assume both children already knew about dad's cross dressing and cheating with men. In my opinion, there is no valid reason to re-open such wounds by discussing it with them. Quite often the messenger, in this case you, gets attacked just for discussing such things. Your husband and his troubled sexuality are now dead and buried so it's time for you to grieve, heal, and move on. 

4. I don’t think I will ever trust again and I don’t know that I want to.

Understandable. If you have a history of attracting broken partners like your deceased husband then I'd suggest exploring co-dependency either with a mental health professional or via a free 12-step programme (www.coda.org). 

Good luck and thank you again for sharing. 

Last edited by Sean01 (February 1, 2024 8:08 am)

Thank you for writing OSD. I have reviewed our previous exchanges from two years ago in which you disclosed your husband's love of trans porn, frequent use of hemorrhoid creams, and open sores on his hands. Regardless of his sexual orientation, you appear to have gone more than a decade without any meaningful intimacy. The question is: are you ready to spend another 10, 20, or 30 years suffering with this man? In response to your list, you wrote:

1) What does it mean if my husband NEVER kisses me with any tongue and if I try it's not reciprocated?
2) Still no sex.
3) I watch TV in a separate room and he watches in a dead room. ALL. DAY OR NIGHT. LONG.
4) He treats me like his sister or a good friend
5) He has Viagra that is now 2 years old and stated at one point he should take 2 tablets
6) He no longer will have oral sex on me or if I do for him.(last time I did on him, he took FOREVER and never came). Same for regular sex. He usually just finishes himself off. 

I still maintain that a lack of sex is the biggest red flag in gay/straight relationships. As much as closeted husbands like me can perform in public, it's almost impossible to fake sexual attraction in the conjugal bedroom. Some other common signs that a closeted/questioning husband is cheating: 

1. Sex stops because he fears giving his wife an unexplained STD/STI.
2. Body shaving. 
3. A sudden fitness obsession to be "gay ready." 
4. A change in appearance (hair, contacts, sexy underwear/jockstraps). 
5. He starts traveling for work and/or there are a lot of unexplained absences. 
6. Very secretive/protective with his devices (phone, number, tablet). 
7. A new (male) best friend suddenly appears; often a co-worker. 
8. Lots of one-on-one "Brokeback Mountain" trips with #7

I hope that helps my friend. Please feel free to post again. 

Thank you for writing OSD. In reply: 

1. I started travel nursing and even purchased a home in a different state to see if the distance and being away for long periods would light a fire.....nope. Not in the least. I've given my husband EVERY OPPORTUNITY to show that he cares about us and the intimacy. It's like we are brothers and sisters. I read your reply and agree that even 5 more minutes of my life is too much time to waste.

So what now? If I understand your situation correctly, you've been waiting for over a decade. He's not going to change. 

2. I love this man.

What exactly is loveable about a closeted, dishonest, and emotionally abusive husband who refuses to have sex with you? Is this how your children should define love? If your children married partners just like him, what would you advise them to do? If you'd advise "separation/divorce" then it's time to take your own advice.  

3. Even if he would speak the truth, I would still have him in my life and I would make that clear to him. I appreciate your valuable advice and insight.

Clearly this man isn't going to be truthful about his sexuality nor your dead bedroom. So I again ask the question: what now? You two can remain loving, platonic friends once divorced. 

4. I just have to know about the kissing. Did you just give your ex a peck and avoid at all cost any sloppy tongue? And the hugs kept to a pat on the back? What kinds of intimate contact did you minimize as to avoid so your wife didn't misconstrue as a sexual advance?

I am 100% gay and have zero attraction to women. With that in mind: 

- My kisses were dry and brotherly. 
- My hugs were squirmy. 
- Sex with my former wife was like being forced to have sex with my sister. 

If you accept for a fact that your husband is gay, then stop trying to force him to have sex with you. Forcing a gay man to have sex with a woman is sexually traumatizing. I know first hand. 

5. I ask because this divorce is going to be devastating for me. It's like losing my right arm.

I understand the fear of separation/divorce. Given what you've shared, however, I reckon it will be more like amputating a cancerous right arm my friend. Clearly your marriage is soul-destroying. Move on!  

6. He says he would never leave me EVEN IF I TOLD HIM I HAD BEEN UNFAITHFUL (This is the reason he says he left his first wife). I have been unfaithful in our marriage out of being deprived of the sex and true intimacy that he should have given me.

For me personally, it sounds like he knows you are cheating and, like most gay-in-denial husbands, he is perfectly fine with it because it takes the sexual pressure off of him. Following separation/divorce, you will both be free to find partners who better align with your sexualities...and remain loving (platonic) friends. 

7. The neglect and emotional abuse are the main reasons for me wanting to divorce. He is an excellent father. 

These statements contradict each other. No he isn't a good father if he's neglecting, emotionally abusing, and lying to the mother of his children. I would strongly suggest you find a therapist to help you work through this denial. Question: do you want your children to find partners just like their father? If the answer is "no" then he's not a good father my friend...nor a good husband. 

8. Also,  do you suppose the undeniable attraction to TS is for him to cover up the attraction to men? He says that TS ARE WOMEN TO HIM. After his history of viewing this type of porn ONLY, the requests for anal and rimming (he had never asked for this before) turning down oral on him and oral sex on me stopped completely....well, sex as a whole stopped as well.

I'll assume TS = trans/transgendered. Does it really matter what kind of porn he's watching? I am not attracted to trans women with male genetalia nor have I slept with trans women with penises so I can't provide any insight based on personal experience. I can only assume you're asking these questions based on the faint hope that, "Ok so he likes trans women so perhaps he's still sexually attracted to me." The fact remains: this man is no longer  interested in sex with you and clearly prefers porn. So what now? 

9. ALL of this happened right when he found out his mom had cancer and worsened when she died. After his father died soon after, he said he had no one to answer to. Soo, I am inclined to believe he is gay and now the shame cannot be exposed to the people he really cared about not knowing.

If his parents were conservative, gay-hating Evangelicals then perhaps he'd feel a certain relief/freedom after their deaths. 

10. Thank you for your time and help, as always.

I'm not sure if I've helped my friend. In my opinion, your marriage appears to have been toxic for over a decade so clearly nothing is going to change. You travel for work and have another home. So you are technically separated already. Perhaps it's time to legally separate/divorce and stop trying to force this sexually confused and emotionally abusive man to continue playing the role of a happy, horny, straight husband. You've waited 12 years for a miracle and that miracle is never going to happen. If you truly love this man and love yourself, the most loving thing you can do is end this toxic relationship. Good luck. 

Last edited by Sean01 (February 6, 2024 6:36 am)

Thank you for writing. In reply: 

1. The part about him being a good father IS true. That child who is now grown  lives in the house I purchased in another state. Our child is really the only thing he has shown a genuine love for. Yes, he is selfish in everything else but our child. 

I stand corrected. Apologies. 

2. Oh, I haven't asked nor hinted sex in well over a year. It's been drilled into me not to.

There comes a time in most gay/straight relationships, often after years without intimacy, that the straight wife reluctantly accepts reality: her husband never initiated sex with her; never enjoyed sex with her; used every excuse not to have sex with her; and simply isn't attracted to women nor female bodies. 

3. I am thankful for you being the voice of reason. Your tone is one of "I can't believe she is still complaining about her situation."

I was surprised that you sent me almost exactly the same questions two years ago. I was also surprised that you and your husband hadn't had sex in more than a decade. Some straight wives divorce immediately, others take months, some (like you) take years. Every journey is unique and valid. I have lived through this situation from the other side and know first hand how difficult it is to separate/divorce; doubly so with children. The message I'm trying to share with you and others is to stop looking to these closeted men for "the truth." It easy to twist words, but facts don't lie. If your husband hasn't had sex with you in years, never seemed interested in sex with women, and now spends all his time f*cking men (either in real life or online), then it's time to accept reality and move on. 

4. I get it.....set him free. I am. Not for him, but for myself. However, I could make his life a living hell but he's already living in it but he made his own bed by deceiving many people and marrying a straight woman. 

Ok so what now my friend? Are you going to spend another 10 years trying (and failing) to have sex with this man while nagging him for "the truth" or are you ready to move on? I hope that helps. Be well!